122299:0325PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE DISPLACED LOW INCOME TENANTS WILL BE ELIGIBLE FOR A $4,500 RELOCATION FEE. I DON'T MEAN TO BE GLIB, BUT IN THIS HOUSING MARKET, 95% OF US ARE LOW INCOME TENANTS.

You know, its the little things that remind us of the true reason we celebrate Christmas. I'm thinking of the hordes of rabid frenzied shoppers, Santa sliding down a ski slope on an electric razor and singing dogs. What better way to show our devotion to the anniversary of the birth of our Lord than singing dogs? Why not piccolo playing mice? Or wolverine pup ballerinas? But lets not quibble, rather, lets see who should unwrap which wolverine pup ballerina plush toys under their tree this year.

WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

For Boris Yeltsin: Enough worldwide Y2K destruction to start over competing with the west on an equal basis.
For the WTO: An invite to hold their next ministerial conference about 25 miles north of Ulsanbaatar, Mongolia.
For Brandi Chastain: A sports panties endorsement.
For Regis Philbin: A partnership with Kathie Lee to produce "So You Want To Be A Millionaire" sweatshop clothing.
For Jesse Ventura: A muzzle.
For Ricky Martin: Another 15 minutes.
For Slobodan Milosevic: See Boris Yeltsin.
For Robert Downey Jr.: A roommate with an appreciation of fine wines from France's Burgundy region.
For US airline passengers: Shrinkage.
For Dan Quayle: More grey hair.
For Steve Young: A doctor who doesn't follow sports.

122399:0108PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE INCUMBENT TERRENCE HALLINAN WAS FINALLY DECLARED WINNER OF THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY RACE OVER BILL FAZIO TEN DAYS AFTER THE RUN OFF ELECTION. CONSIDERING THIS IS THE SECOND TIME FAZIO HAS BEEN BESTED BY HALLINAN, MAYBE HE CAN SUE FOR HARASSMENT. EMOTIONAL DISTRESS AT LEAST. NOT TO MENTION THE FINANCIALITY.

Good news to report. Your intrepid reporter managed to escape with his life and portions of his clothes intact after braving F.A.O. Schwartz today in a delusive attempt to buy some plastic pieces of crap for his nephew and himself. Suffice it to say he made it to the third floor before being asked to leave by Security who correctly ascertained he was tilting on the verge of spoiling some family's holiday by beating one of the thousands of teeming knee high screaming tots to death with a discounted Star Wars Phantom Menace double light saber featuring movement activated sound effects. The horror. The horror. But never mind my descent into the ninth circle of marketing hell, let's just move on with this hack stunt deal we columnists insist on force feeding you this, the sacredest week of Christianity.

WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

For Donald Trump: An eight month bout of laryngitis.
For Martha Stewart: A paramour with the same emotional connection for her she has for her audience.
For David Bowie: A tamperproof dead bolt for his attic door. So the painting remains undisturbed.
For Ken Starr: Editorial control over Linda Tripp's memoirs.
For Jennifer Lopez: A movie role that will force her to lose her deposit every time she books studio time.
For Diana Ross: A complete set of "Get Out Of Customs Free" cards.
For Alan Greenspan: A storage space large enough to hide his quarterly shipments of smoke pellets and mirrors.
For Adam Sandler: His own "Truman Show," but not his own "Razor's Edge."
For Mike Tyson, Marv Albert and Charles (nee Charlie) Sheen: The continuation of that great american habit: short memories.

122499:0129PST
PACIFICA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE DISTANT LILT OF CHRISTMAS CAROLS COMPETING WITH THE RHYTHMIC CRASH OF THE OCEAN FORCES YOU TO REALIZE YOU DON'T NEED SNOW OR COLD TO WISH FOR PEACE ON EARTH AND GOOD WILL TO ALL MEN. BUT I GOT TO ADMIT, THE PALM TREES MAKE IT HARD TO FOCUS.

Aaah, the wonder and convenience of on- line Christmas shopping. First you sift through your search results of 150,000 hits. Then you freeze and crash. The connection is busy. Then you connect and freeze again. Repeat a couple ten times. Finally you buy a pig in a poke, since there are neither photos nor drawings of the item you're purchasing, only some vague meandering description obviously written by a recent immigrant to our shores whose only previous connection to the English language was reading the list of ingredients on the sides of the bottles of Vikadin he was consuming on a daily basis. Then you fill out all the lines of information; then do it again because you forgot some pertinent piece of 411 like don't you want to receive our . Then you give your credit card number and then hit "submit" and it says: "Thank you. Your order will be shipped to you within 28 days." So here's other stuff that probably won't be found under the tree, but should.

WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

For the Champagne Industry: A worldwide recant. So everybody disappointed with their date on New Year's this year, can grudgingly admit the real millennium is next year.
For Ally McBeal's boss, Fish: One shot at Bill Bradley's waddle. Bygones.
For Al Gore: A light year. Which might just be the distance he needs to put between him and Bill Clinton.
For Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarznegger Jean Claude Van Damme: The formation of an Action Hero Seniors Tour.
For Charlie Brown: A sixty five yard field goal in overtime.
For George W Bush Jr: Regular nocturnal visits from the ghosts of Lee Atwater and Willie Horton.
For John Rocker: A trade to the Montreal Expos.
For Hillary Clinton: A part time job at the Carnegie Deli.
For California Governor Grey "And That's A Gross Exaggeration" Davis: More photo ops with Al Gore. Makes him look like Ricky Martin.

122799:0352PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT HAS BEEN REPLACED BY THE ANNUAL POST HOLIDAY SHOPPING FRENZY. IN OTHER WORDS, THE BEFORE AND THE AFTER ARE PRETTY MUCH INDISTINGUISHABLE.

All right. This is it. The last of those stupid top 100 lists you'll see before the turn. And when you get right down to it: the most important. Let's fly now with the Top 100 human body parts of the second millennium 1. Soul. 2. Heart. 3. Gut. 4. Pigment. 5. Female reproductive organ. 6. Male reproductive organ. 7. Thumbs. 8. Spine. 9. Eyes. 10. Placenta. 11. Thighs. 12. Ears. 13. Female nipples. 14. Teeth. 15. Washboard abs. 16. Hands. 17. Bowels. 18. Tongue. 19. Feet. 20. Artificially augmented mammary glands. 21. Nose. 22. Liver. 23. Mouth. 24. Hair. 25. Middle finger. 26. Muscles. 27. Knees. 28. Shoulders. 29. Skull. 30. Kidneys. 31. Taste buds. 32. Pituitary gland. 33. Sinuses. 34. Elbows. 35. Shins. 36. Forearms. 37. Neck. 38. Fontanelle. 39. Temple. 40. Spleen. 41. Intestines. 42. Brain. 43. Calves. 44. Larynx. 45. Lungs. 46. Ribs. 47. Forefinger. 48. Collarbone. 49. Coccyx. 50. Buns of steel. 51. Heel. 52. Big toe. 53. Stomach. 54. Upper palate. 55. Chin. 56. Hips. 57. Nostrils. 58. Groin. 57. Male reproductive organ's two best friends. 59. Cheeks upper. 60. Urethra. 61. Epidermis. 62. Arches. 63. Fingernails. 64. Lips. 65. Clavicle. 66. Back of knees. 67. Cheeks lower. 68. Fallopian tube. 69. Ring finger. 70. Mandible. 71. Forehead. 72. Pelvis. 73. Eyebrows. 74. Pancreas. 75. Freckles. 76. Vertebrae. 77. Trachea. 78. Inside of elbows. 79. Wrists. 80. Gums. Ankles. 81. Achilles heels. 82. Veins. 83. Eyelids. 84. Capillaries. 85. Eyelashes. 86. Knuckles. 87. Belly. 88. Anterior cruciate ligament. 89. Funny bone. 90. Sideburns. 91. Palms. 92. Toenails. 93. Prostate. 95. Duodenum. 96. Groove between nose and upper lip. 97. Tonsils. 98. Appendix. 99. Armpits. 100. Male nipples.

121599:0634EST
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE YOU CAN NEVER FORGET YOU ARE RUBBING ELBOWS WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET BECAUSE THEY INSIST ON REMINDING YOU WHILE WAITING FOR A TABLE IN EVERY RESTAURANT.

Who the hell is running things these days? First Hillary says she doesn't think the military's policy on "don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue, don't wear tight stretch pants or look like your trying to smuggle plums" is working. Then three days later Bill says the same thing. And now with a stiffly moistened campaigning finger in the air, Al Gore, sensing a political typhoon in the making, has chimed in to agree. If scientists at Livermore Labs could develop the technology to contact Tipper Gore under her bulletproof hair cloak of impenetrability we could mark it unanimous. Has some sort of transfer of power been enacted that we don't know about? I'm thinking the chain of command is so mixed up here, it's only a matter of time before Chelsea and Socks and Buddy starting determining policy. You think I'm kidding, don't you? Well, I'm not alone. That great Jeffersonian hero, Rush Limbaugh has been spreading such intimations for years. And now the country's third most prestigious newspaper acknowledges the same thing. As quoted by the Washington Post Reliable Sources today, when Bill got up to leave Ted Turner's televised "Christmas in Washington" gala at the National Building Museum because he was sick last week, the announcer told the audience to stay seated "until the president and Mister Clinton depart." Mister Burger, your witness.

121699:0422EST
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE TRANSIT STRIKE WAS AVERTED AT THE LAST MINUTE BY RUDY GIULIANI'S STRONG ARM TACTICS. HEY, IF LOSES THE SENATE SEAT THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR HIM AS A STRIKE BREAKER.

The airlines launched an industry wide voluntary program aimed at reversing their reputation for poor service to somewhere near the levels of Greyhound. This noncompulsory program, an attempt to circumvent the threat of a legislated passenger bill of rights will undoubtably be as effective as a rope handle on a shovel. In a industry reversal, the airlines are being a bit vague. Disingenuous even. They promise to try harder. They're really really sorry and they'll do everything in their power to make sure it will never happen again. Until it does. And then stay out of their face or they'll call security. Here's a few of the service upgrades rumored to be implemented.

Double lined airsick bags now minty fresh.
Attendants instructed to shriek at you: "suck sand and die" with a smile.
Gravel used to fill headrests to be pounded smaller.
First class male passengers stranded more than 6 hours on tarmac delays allowed to use coach bulkheads as urinals.
Emergency exit cards feature 4 color illustrations of Cajun artist Rodrigue's lovable Blue Dog.
Luggage will no longer arrive late at a destination other than yours. Now you're guaranteed one or the other.
Reading lamps will be repositioned to focus on your seat partner's knees rather than your seat partner's feet.
Dab of butter like substance on bread shaped cardboard now a more vibrant yellow.
Seatbacks to recline a full 12/16 of an inch instead of normal 3/4 of an inch.

121799:0722EST
CLAREMONT, NEW HAMPSHIRE, WHERE JOHN MCCAIN AND BILL BRADLEY AGREED ON BIG SOFT MONEY FROM SPECIAL INTERESTS. THEY'RE AGAINST IT. BUT THEY'LL TAKE THE MONEY AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE IS. UNH HUNH.

Every year, toymakers all over the world try to catch the lightning in a bottle that was the Cabbage Patch Doll craze of a decade ago. And every year 99.9% of these creations are bigger bombs than Roseanne's talk show. Think "Hudson Hawk" meets "Howard the Duck" at "Ishtar." Everybody knows the fickle nature of America's kids is only exceeded by the cowardice and narrow vision of corporate board rooms and these toymakers' noble efforts often never see the light of day. So, as a holiday special I would like to spotlight a few toy ideas that failed to achieve liftoff on these year's seasonal launching pad. Some may be ahead of their time, some may have missed their brief window of opportunity and some are just fevered figments of chronic amphetamine induced nightmares.

1999'S Misfit Toys.

Rudolph the Rednosed Roadkill.
Skully: Ghost of Xmas Future Beanie Baby.
Beowolf the Pokemon.
Gangrenous: For Couples.
The Dress Her Up Liddy Dole.
Old McDonald's Genetically Modified Veal Farm.
Chutes and Ladders and Retired Lab Mice.
Sterno Me. Sterno You.
The Burning Man Pop Up Book.
Harsh Realm Plush Toy Collection.
Plastique: A Mind Game.
Ally McBeal's Easy Bake Kitchen.
Teenage Mutant Pastry Chefs.
Whoopee Goldberg Cushions.
The Official Pete Rose Atlantic City Dice Table.
Whack- A- Tobacco Lobbyist.
Lead. Lead. Uranium!
Outbreak: Now with Ebola!
Tickle Me Mumia.
Clinton Logs.

122199:0128PST
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE THE WHOLE TRADITION OF SANTA COMING DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH A BIG RED NOSE ORIGINATED. AND IS KEPT ALIVE BY EVERY MALE UNDER PENALTY OF EXILE.

One year, a long time ago, when the consuming nature of the shopping beast was getting the best of me, I decided to switch sides and took a job as a holiday Santa Claus at a ghost mall on the south side of Milwaukee. Forced to change into the fat red guy in the JC Penney's husky boys dressing room and operate the Polaroid photo thingie myself, I gave the whole schpiel, in my best Richard Nixon voice without ever promising the kids anything specific and at the end I would say, "Now I want you to do me a favor. You promise me to do everything you can to stay out of trouble between now and Christmas and I promise you'll get everything you deserve." The kids bought it. The parents however shuddered visibly. As might these folks if the same were to happen to them:

WILL DURST'S 1999 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

For Bill Gates: Janet Reno in his dreams.
For George W Bush Jr: A GED.
For John McCain: Negative of that photo of George W dancing naked on a bar.
For Hillary Clinton: Negative of a photo of Rudy Giuliani dancing naked on a homeless guy.
For Rudy Giuliani: Hillary's long awaited shot on Letterman guest hosted by Ehud Barak.
For Gwenyth Paltrow: A lifetime pass to the In-N-Out Burger.
For Linda Tripp: A petard to hoist herself on.

120899:0117PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MAYOR WILLIE BROWN IS RUNNING AN AD FEATURING TWO GAY GUYS WHO DECIDE NOT TO VOTE FOR TOM AMMIANNO, AKA: ONE OF THEIRS. WONDER WHEN TOM WILL RUN AN AD WITH A BLACK COUPLE TALKING ABOUT VOTING FOR ONE OF THEIRS.

Okay, we did toys and years and colors, now let's do food.

TOP 100 FOODS OF THE MILLENNIUM.

1. Gruel. 2. Potatoes. 3. Mud. 4. Soup. 5. Stew. 6. Goulash. 7. Paella. 8. Gravy. 9. Chowder. 10. Mush. 11. Gumbo. 12. Cioppino. 13. Consomme. 14. Bouillon. 15. Yosenabe. 16. Gazpacho. 17. Bouillabaisse. 18. Poi. 19. Borscht. 20. Shoes. 21. Grubs. 22. Algae. 23. Baba ganoush. 24. Grass. 25. Berries. 26. Seeds. 27. Nuts. 28. Roots. 29. Mushrooms. Good. 30. Scum. 31. Eggs Benedict. 32. Turnips. 33. Bacon Double Cheeseburgers. 34. Rocks. 35. Boogers. 36. Squirrel. 37. Rocky Mountain Oysters. 38. Carrots. 39. Jerky. 40. Apples. 41. Bourbon balls. 42. Mushrooms. Bad. 43. Bananas. 44. Corn. 45. Rice. 46. Oats. 47. Wheat. 48. Cous cous. 49. Polenta. 50. Crab bisque. 51. Chicken. 52. Cow. 53. Sheep. 54. Pig. 55. Frog. 56. Carp. 57. Clam dip. 58. Microwave butter flavored popcorn. 59. Ice Cream. 60. Haggis.61. Rumaki. 62. Kim chee. 63. Balut. 64. Fudge brownies. 65. Coq Au Vin. 66. Nutria. 67. Beets. 68. Chow chows. 69. Meat lovers stuffed crust pizza. 70. Cheese Danish. 71. Kreplach. 72. Dumplings. 73. Matzoh. 74. Gyoza. 75. Garlic Parmesan croutons. 76. Fritters. 77. Jujy fruits. 78. Sesame noodles. 79. Pigs in a blanket. 80. Chiccarones. 81. Fresh Cook'd Potato Chips. 82. Memphis Barbecue. 83. Cousin's Special. 84. Almond windmill cookies. 85. Thasos olives with red pepper flakes. 86. Mashed potatoes with wasabi, caramelized onions and roasted garlic. 87. Fettucine carbonera. 88. Thanksgiving dinner. 89. Broiled oysters. 90. Diana's Meat Pie at Hunan on Sansome. 91. Mr. Beef's Italian Beef. 92. Crawfish Etouffe. 93. Stilton cheese. 94. Usinger's Bratwurst. 95. Lobster Thermidor. 96. PBJ. 97. Philly Cheese Steaks. 98. Horse. 99. Tinfoil. 100. Prunes.

121399:0534PST
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN WHOSE IDENTITY IS TOTALLY WRAPPED UP IN ITS MALLS. IF MALL WALKING WERE AN OLYMPIC SPORT, SACRAMENTO WOULD BE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Whither the Reform Party? Or should the question be: is the Reform Party withering? Now that Warren Beatty and Cybill Shepherd and all the other cameo contenders with the collective weight of glitter have dropped out, its pretty much down to the two heavyweights: Donald Trump and Patrick Buchanan. The Donald versus The Brownshirt. Actually, Buchanan says his is not a "love affair with Adolph Hitler" as characterized by Trump, and he's right. It's more like one of those constant non conjugal flirtations you have with somebody else's wife. Only in this case the somebody else is David Duke. Trump vows to spend $100 million to get the Reform Party Nomination, while Buchanan vows to send his sister to every state if he has to. The two do have things in common. Both are opposed to the World Trade Organization; both think special interests wield too much control and both are about as electable as Marilyn Manson after he gets that one breast attached to his torso. You know Jesse Ventura has to be loving this. The bigger the fight for the Party Nomination in August, the less people will stereotype it as the personal property of Ross Perot. These guys are just the raspberry sorbet cleaning the Reform Party palate in anticipation of a feathered boa being thrown in the ring in the year 2004.

121499:0604PST
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN SO SCINTILLATING, SO BREATHTAKING, SO DANGEROUSLY EXCITING, THAT SIMPLY BY ENTERING THE CITY LIMITS WAS ENOUGH TO AFFECT BILL BRADLEY'S HEART. WARNINGS OUGHT TO BE POSTED.

So, the deal is; it seems we were a wee mite premature writing off the Cold War. It looked like it was over, a history page, in the archives, way gone, say bye. Many smarter people than I were quoted as saying: "stick a fork in it," and "The fat lady put on her street clothes and on her way home stopped at Wendy's for two Triples with Cheese and a Biggee order of fries." Well, put the fork back on the spoon rest and tell the fat lady she's needed onstage for an encore because apparently there are folks who need the Cold War like Mongooses need Cobras. Like the Hatfields need the McCoys. Like environmentalists need Charlie Hurwitz. Guess what? It's back! How can this be? Hadn't Reagan stomped the Red Bear into bankruptcy court? Isn't Yeltsin an older fatter greyer version of Robert Downey Jr.? Well, yeah, but somebody must have been watching the Superstation's "15 days of Bond" a little too closely. Bugging our State Department for crum's sake. What a wacky prank. Planting a listening device in the wooden molding of a chair in the State Department's seventh floor conference room. That's so darn 50's. You watch, fedoras are going to make a comeback. And after watching us kick Serbian butt in their own backyard, the Red Army seems to be playing the Chechnyan card like they got something to prove. At least John LeCarre, Jack Higgins and Art Buchwald are happy. Not to mention Jesse Helms.

120199:0250PST
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOCALS AND OUTLANDERS IS IMMEDIATELY EASY TO DISCERN. THE SEATTLITES CARRY SUNGLASSES WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES ON THE OFF CHANCE THE SUN MIGHT APPEAR.

"The whole world is kinda glancing over their shoulder while driving to Wal- Mart to hopefully catch the latest shipment of Pokemon cards." The Battle for Seattle. Downtown Showdown. The Emerald Siege. The biggest shame of the whole river of riot that consumed the core of Seattle yesterday protesting the WTO, was nobody seemed to notice the 30,000 union members marching through town so peacefully you'd think they were wearing underpants made out of dehydrated nitroglycerine with flint flies. It was an odd afternoon. The Longshoremen were on strike, the cabs were on strike, and dumpsters were set on fire by masked youth battling police on front lines filled with tear gas and stun grenades. If the cheese were a little better and the waiters a mite ruder, you'd of thought you were in France for the day. You had people worried about sweatshops, people worried about losing American jobs and people worried about liberating pre fabricated pounds of Aged Indonesian full bean Starbucks coffee. And who got the publicity? The ones who resorted to violence. We've learned from television well, haven't we? Got a reasonable argument? Have a legitimate beef? Too bad. Have a couple of talking heads on PBS bore people to death talking about it. Want to guarantee some decent camera time? Wear a mask, burn a dumpster and act like a total idiot. Teach. Your children well. We have. Thank you Hollywood. Consider the lesson learned.

120399:0026PST
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE THE WORLD TRADE ORGANIZATION MINISTERIAL CONFERENCE IS WINDING DOWN, AND THE PEOPLE OF SEATTLE ARE ECSTATIC. NOT ONLY DOES IT MEAN ALL THE CRAZED FANATICS ARE SCHEDULED TO LEAVE TOWN, BUT MOST OF THE PROTESTERS WILL PROBABLY SPLIT AS WELL.

This is the weirdest. You got your yellow curfew zone where protesters are not to be found after 7 pm and an interior red zone near the convention center where nobody without official business is allowed all day long. I think its just an alpha position. Soon, there will be the green zone where anyone with phlegm or toe fungus is barred from entering and the blue zone, which will only admit those who can prove they aren't clinically depressed. And why tear gas? Why not Prozac gas? Or the organic alternative: St. John's Wort gas? The press is focusing on the violence but let's face it. There was more destruction at this year's Woodstock than the entire week in Seattle. Not even convinced the anarchists were to blame. Haven't hear anyone question the guy with the glass replacement franchise whether or not he equipped a bunch of his cousin's kids' friends with crowbars and told them to "go to it, boyos." Then this bike messenger was caught selling Russian gas masks he bought for $10 at an Army surplus store on the street to American protesters for $19.99. And the cops were pissed. Hey, that's free trade. Isn't that what this whole WTO thing is about? So, the chief of police made gas masks illegal. That's cheating. Changing rules in the middle of the game. Not very American.

120699:0319PST
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE NORDSTROM'S IS BACK OPEN WITH A BIG SALE AND ALL PARKING DOWNTOWN IS FREE. SO THOSE LUCKY SHOPPERS WHO WAITED MAY ACTUALLY BE THANKFUL TO THE ANARCHISTS FOR RIOTING.

There you are shooting down Highway 55 in Missouri. Walls of garbage on the shoulders. Men in white hoods are picking it up. Wait, there's a signpost up ahead: "Adopt-A-Highway. The Knights of the Ku Klun Klan, Realm of Missouri." Next stop, the Twilight Zone. The problem is, they can't keep the signs up. I'm thinking either vandals or the guys picking up the roadside litter who are damn tired of being swerved at by hooting teenagers cranking up the Ice-T. The state tried to keep the KKK from joining the program, but the district court upheld the group's rights, so Missouri is telling the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals to show them. Michael Cuffley, the Omnipotent Lizardstick, or whatever local Klan leaders call themselves, says his group is responsible for picking up trash, mowing the grass and planting flowers (probably not a lot of wandering Jews is my guess). State officals say they're worried people might go out of their way to litter on the Klan's mile of I-55. Are you kidding? People will rent trailers and travel across the country just for the chance to throw a year's worth of crap on the Klan's back. Methodist church groups would bus up just to pass by the mile of freeway and not throw stuff.

120799:0222PST
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE WINTER MEANS ITS GOING TO RAIN. OF COURSE SUMMER MEANS ITS GOING TO RAIN, AS DOES FALL. SPRING, HOWEVER MEANS ITS GOING TO POUR.

We did a couple of top 100 lists last year and the cast and crew loved it. So lets get to it. The top 100 toys of the millennium are:
1. Dolls. 2. Sticks. 3. Balls. 4. Mud. 5. Rocks. 6. Straw. 7. Water. 8. Rubber bands. 9. String. 10. Matches. 11. Logs. 12. Hair. 13. Knives. 14. Jacks. 15. Buttons. 16. Hoops. 17. Forks. 18. Glass. 19. Tops. 20. Spools. 21. Thimbles. 22. Ribbons. 23. Blocks. 24. Cardboard boxes. 25. Wooden boxes. 26. Wooden crates. 27. Steel crates. 28. Plastic milk cartons. 29. Upside down buckets. 30. Jack in the boxes. 31. Rotting fruit. 32. Beanie Babies. 33. Marbles. 34. Dead animals. 35. Sock puppets. 36. Mousetraps. 37. Tinfoil. 38. Hammers. 39. Blasting caps. 40. Balloons. 41. Scissors. 42. Chutes and ladders. No, real chutes and real ladders. 43. Rattles. 44. Tiddlywinks. 45. Slinkys. 46. Cans. 47. Abandoned refrigerators. 48. Loose teeth. 49. Spoons. 50. Horseshoes. 51. Mars Polar Landers. 52. Straws. 53. Squirt guns. 54. Genuine Red Ryder Carbine Action Two Hundred Shot Lightning Loader Range Model Air Rifles. 55. Cork guns. 56. Laser pointers. 57. Zip guns. 58. Tec-9s. 59. AK-47s. 60. Stinger surface to air missiles. 61. Darts. 62. Game Boys. 63. Suction cups. 64. Trains. 65. Trucks. 66. Big Wheels. 67. Sheep. 68. Beer kegs. 69. Checkers. 70. Pokemon. 71. Eleanor Roosevelt. 72. Pentagrams. 73. Dental floss. 74. Library paste. 75. Airplane glue. 76. Speedballs. 77. Wheelos. 78. Legos. 79. Tinker toys. 80. Spoons. 81. Feces. 82. Fishing lures. 83. Close and Plays. 84. Cellophane. 85. Condoms. 86. Playstation. 87. Shellfish. 88. Other people's mail. 89. Paddle balls. 90. Colorforms. 91. Etch- a- sketches. 92. Corkscrews. 93. Sno globes. 94. Skin. 95. Shaving cream. 96. Cows. 97. Bird nests. 98. Lug nuts. 99. Speculums. 100. Weebos.

111899:0900CST
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE A WOMAN IS SUING A JEWELER WHO KISSED HER ON THE HAND AFTER SHE BOUGHT A RING FROM HIM. OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T TAKE OFFENSE UNTIL THE NEXT DAY WHEN HE REFUSED TO TAKE THE RING BACK. I HAD A GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT ONCE.

Now we all know Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani are running for Patrick Moynihan's soon to be vacant New York Senate seat. They both talk like it, they act like it; they even smell like it. You know the smell. A minty fresh first- date carnations and gardenias kind of thing. But neither one of them will fess up. Oh, isn't it cute? They're being coy. They even have advisors going on the Sunday talk shows and talking and talking about how they're not running and might just decide to become assistant managers at "Hot Dog On A Stick" so they can wear those neat paper hats. Of course this way they don't have to hire full time staffs, and can both save their big announcement for the bounce when the polls and the consultants and the talk show hosts say they need it. Hillary might also want to wait until she moves into her house, and actually becomes a citizen of the state. Which I hear is considered a plus when running for Senator. And both of them are busy with day jobs. Mark down Rudy with the advantage here since his job happens to keep him in the state on a more consistent basis, while Hillary's seems to do little more than get her in trouble. And she, like Al Gore, is having a bit of a problem distancing herself from her husband. Maybe she could set up her election headquarters in Nashville too.

111999:0136CST
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE YOU CAN GO INTO A LIQUOR STORE, FIND 200 DIFFERENT TYPES OF BEER AND YET THEIR WINE SECTION IS THREE SHELVES LONG AND THE FINEST CHOICE AVAILABLE HAS A SCREW TOP.

Today is the last totally odd day of our lives. 11/19/1999. Would have been 11/31/1999, but we still have that "thirty days have blah blah" rhyme burned like a groove into our brains from primary school, so enjoy the oddness while you can. The rest of our days will either be all even or all mixed. Like most of them have been. The next truly odd day won't be until Jesse Ventura announces his bid for the White House. Or numerically, 01/01/3001. And that's only if you consider zero neutral. Otherwise it'll be 1/1/3111, or if you always add a leading zero like I do, 11/11/3111, but any which way you cut it, without medical advancements courtesy of an alien civilization Fed Ex within the next few decades, you and I will only be able to appreciate them theoretically. The next even day is 02/02/2000. The first since, 08/28/888. Back when they were just starting to worry about the whole Y9C problem. Not a single person in our millennium has experienced an absolutely even day. Ergo: Prozac. And no one in the next millennium will ever live through an entirely odd day. Invest in coffee futures. This might go a long way in explaining what an odd century this has been. Especially a November Wednesday in 1991. Man, that was odd.

113099:0020PST
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, WHERE THE TOWN IS PACKED WITH 5,000 DELEGATES TO THE WORLD TRADE ORGANIZATION MINISTERIAL AND 50,000 PROTESTERS. MORE THAN WERE IN CHICAGO IN 1968. AND BY LOOKING AT ALL THE GREY PONYTAILS, I WOULD HAVE TO GUESS A LOT OF THEM WERE THERE AS WELL.

The WTO protesters are flooding the streets of this town, and you couldn't ask for a nicer place to try and bring down an international trade body. Seattle is the American city where nature and civilization reside in the leafiest of harmony. The most cultivated of frontiers. Up here, the loggers are environmentalists. Where even the mahi mahi is dolphin free. A town with homeless guys in Pioneer Square yelling at unwary tourists for throwing empty bottles in the wrong waste bin. "Does that look like aluminum to you, Coat Wearer?" See, only coffee is more important than recycling in the upper left hand corner of the United States, and that's because coffee is a reason to live, while recycling is just a full time avocation. Too bad the delegates and the protesters aren't allowed to mingle: they could comfort themselves at some of the best book stores in the country to sit and sip and not communicate in. Alas, the big dog, Fidel Castro, finally decided not to apply for a visa, meaning not a single head of state accepted Clinton's invitation to come to Seattle, but they're probably just heeding the advice of their intelligence chiefs armed with inside information that the cabs are going on strike tomorrow and it's going to rain all week.

111099:0332PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A JUDGE SAID CHILDREN APPLYING TO PUBLIC SCHOOLS SUFFER NO IRREPARABLE HARM WHEN ASKED WHAT ETHNIC GROUP THEY BELONG TO. NO, THE HARM COMES WHEN THE INTERVIEWER GOES, "OH, REALLY? NO SHIT, SHERLOCK."

The Republican Party gritted its teeth so hard, they actually drew gum blood when endorsing Mayor Willie Brown's re- election bid. Must have been similar to the excitement a family of cobras feels while puffing up hoods to elect a mongoose to watch over their nest. Of course Republicans only make up about 15% of San Francisco's 450,000 registered voters, so the recommendation is not earth shattering but with the expected closeness of the upcoming election, every little bit is going to count. A Central Committee member said, and please ignore the vague Communist Party overtones; "We are dealing with shades of gray here, but shades that are so clear there are no shadows." Those shadows that don't exist are cast by Willie's run-off rival, Tom Ammiano. We're talking about an organization that would rather be videotaped smoking crack with a group of naked girl scouts in a leopard fur lined New Jersey dumpster than align itself with Tom Ammiano. A man who is to the Republican Party what a sixteen pound sledgehammer is to a glass shelf of stemmed crystal goblets. Just a little to the left of Fidel. Which is why the hens want the fox watching over their house. A lot more predictable than the weird goose who just might give the henhouse away to the homeless as a shelter.

111199:0234PST
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN WITH THE CHARM OF A STORAGE CONTAINER, THE EFFICIENCY OF A GAS POWERED SCISSORS AND THE ENCHANTMENT OF FREEWAY ENTRANCE RAMP. IN OTHER WORDS: A TYPICAL AMERICAN TOWN.

I would have thought Larry Holmes had a better chance of copping the role of Laura in an Off Broadway production of "Glass Menagerie" before I said this out loud, but well, here goes Donald Trump is my man. Yes, New York's billionaire real estate tycoon, you know, the one whose ego dwarfs the Planet Jupiter. Yeah, the guy who plasters his name on everything from casinos to hotels to super model girlfriends like a buttoned down tagger. Probably tattoos his dog. Anyhow, The Donald just proposed a new tax to erase the national debt, save Social Security, cut taxes for the middle class, lower cholesterol and grease the chute for a populist fun ride into a custom fit Reform Party nomination. Wouldn't be surprised to hear he's guaranteed it as a cure for the common cold as well as a foolproof oven cleaner and destroyer of Michael Bolton's vocal cords. The deal is, he'd impose a one-time 14.25 percent tax on the net worth of people and trusts worth more than $10 million. Imagine that: one of their own, manning the runaway tax hose soaking the rich at a carefully orchestrated photo op. He figures to raise $5.7 trillion, 725 million of it from him, based on an estimated worth of $5 billion. This is called coyote ambition. When you'd rather gnaw off your own arm than lose a chance at the Presidency. Of course we'd see a lot of deca millionaires suddenly contract a severe case of the generosities giving away money impetuously to charities conveniently dropping them from eight digit territory down into the high seven digit pauper trough. With you and me. Sounds like a win win situation here.

111599:2129MST
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO, THE WORLD CHAMPIONS IN CHILE PEPPER APPRECIATION. THEY EVEN HAVE CHILE PEPPER PANCAKES ON THE HOTEL COFFEE SHOP MENU. AND WASH IT DOWN WITH CHILE PEPPER ICE CREAM. WONDER WHAT I'LL FIND ON MY PILLOW TONIGHT.

Hey everybody, guess what? On the way to a coronation, an election broke out. Oh, you got to love this more than rum on a beach with your boss on cellular hold. Content with his campaign stick shift stuck in neutral coasting downhill on the way to a roomful of balloons in Philadelphia, George W Bush Jr hit some speed bumps the size of Montana. First he froze like a yellow rose in liquid nitrogen when some smarty pants Boston reporter asked him to name the leaders of Taiwan, Chechnya, Pakistan and India. Tough questions for even the citizens of those countries much less a good ol boy with the same grasp of foreign affairs that Vietnamese pot bellied pigs have of profit to earnings ratios. Like asking Truman Capote about muleskininng. Or Cindy Crawford about metal shop. Or Bill Clinton about scruples. And couldn't you just imagine Al Gore in the back of the classroom desperately waving his hand: "Ooh, ooh, ask me. I know. Teacher. Ask me." Then Pizza Hut, of all people, asked the whole slew of candidates what their favorite book was growing up as a child, and the Texas Governor cited one that wasn't published until the year after he graduated from Yale. Proving exactly what we've suspected all along. An undergraduate degree from Yale lays the perfect groundwork for reading children's books. "I think I can, I think I can. Oh, maybe not. Rutherford, is there more Vermouth?"

111699:0155MST
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO, WHERE THE PHRASE, "OUTSIDE THE BOX" ORIGINATED. ACTUALLY, WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO, IS THIS IS THE BOX THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

9 out of 10 historians agree; Reagan picked George Bush Sr. in an effort to appear Presidential, and in turn, Bush had to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a 36 inch Exacto Knife to come up with Quayle. If George W is indeed destined for an August balloon inundation, who the hell could he possibly choose? Wally Cox is dead. Barney Fife was a fictional character. And Mr. Bean was born on foreign soil. And think of poor Dan Quayle. He was supposed to be the stupid one. Probably holed up somewhere laughing his dumb ass off. Or dumbe asse off. And you know the other guys are all canceling gigs like a drummer with Hepatitis B after a week in Amsterdam, cramming for the same kind of third degree Bush received. But let's be fair. Shouldn't the subjects each candidate is grilled on be as arcane as foreign policy was to George W? Just turn the debates into a TV quiz show and call it, "So You Want To Be The Guy Millionaires Suck Up To."

Steve Forbes: Name the top four selling brands of motor oil.

Al Gore: List these four Beastie Boy albums in order of release ending with the most recent. A. Paul's Boutique. B. License to Ill. C. Check Your Head. D. Hello Nasty.

Pat Buchanan: Name four countries in Africa and South Africa doesn't count.

Bill Bradley: Name all five Spice Girls.

John McCain: Name the winners of the World Series during the years 1968-1973.

Donald Trump: What are the names of your children?

110399:0140PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE SUPERVISOR TOM AMMIANO'S WRITE IN CAMPAIGN FOR MAYOR HAS GUMMED UP THE WORKS, CAUSING A HUGE DELAY IN COUNTING BALLOTS. MEANING FIGURES WON'T BE FINAL FOR A DAY OR SO, BY WHICH TIME HE'LL PROBABLY DROP OUT AGAIN.

The Republican National Committee is aghast. Al Gore hired feminist author Naomi Wolf as a consultant, and they are freaking out like drunken banana slugs on a salt flat. "He seeks out kooks and spends money like a drunken sailor in port," said RNC spokesman Michael Collins, obviously not the son of a Navy man. The Gore campaign says Wolf has advised Gore about talking to young voters. Maybe she could convince him to stop talking down to all of us. The RNC tried to take advantage of the controversy by faxing excerpts of Ms. Wolf to conservative talk show hosts. The GOOP is all upset because she's the woman who said teenagers should be taught masturbation techniques. Hey, she meant it as part of sex education, not you should open up Home Room with it. "All right, class, pay attention. Now I want everybody to pull out your number two vibrators. You have five minutes. No checking your neighbors' work. Go. Becky, slower. Bobbie Joe, arch your back. Erin, wrong end." She advised Gore earth tones are reassuring and he apparently switched to brown, olive and tan. Maybe next time she'll tell him not to wear all three colors at once.

110599:0044PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGH TECH REVOLUTION AND THREE DAYS AFTER THE ELECTION, WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHO'S IN THE MAYORAL RUNOFF. MUST HAVE MISPLACED THE ABACUS.

They didn't even wait a day. That's how determined they are to squeeze each and every one of our pennies until Lincoln's head squirts liquid copper. The banks, I'm talking about. Excuse me "THE BANKS." That's how they see themselves. We're just "the suckers," "the marks" and "the gullible idiots who let us put 400 day holds on third party out of state checks even though we get the money in about forty minutes." On Tuesday, notwithstanding the BANKS outspending proponents 25 to 1, the citizens of San Francisco voted in favor of Prop F to outlaw ATM surcharges, and on Wednesday, THOSE VERY SAME BANKS sought an injunction to block the enforcement of the very same Prop F. And of course they have the money to fight it in court, because they're THE BANKS. They using our money. To screw us. And its perfectly legal. As is charging us 19% interest on credit cards while paying upwards of 2% on savings accounts. These new age fiduciary drug dealers sold us on using the ATMs because it was cheaper than going to a real teller. Now we're hooked, they're charging $1.50 to access an account somewhere else on top of $1.50 convenience fee from our own bank for using someone else's ATM. The battle cry is; "The marketplace should decide." Except there isn't anybody in the marketplace allowed to do what they, THE BANKS do. Shouldn't we be entitled to a nonconvenience fee for that? "Price controls will only inhibit innovation, put a halt to future ATM growth and shut down thousands of ATMs, placed for consumers' free use." Yeah, right, and drop your profit margin from ridiculous down to merely obscene. Nothing but 24/7 pickpockets snatching loose change whenever we even think about our wallets. Nickel and diming us to a higher quarterly dividend. You know what I think: I think those security cameras are pointing the wrong way.

110899:0633PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHICH WILL SEE A MAYORAL RUNOFF BETWEEN WILLIE BROWN AND TOM AMMIANO. A BLACK GUY VERSUS A GAY GUY. YOU KNOW I DON'T SEE MY CONCERNS AS A STRAIGHT WHITE MALE BEING REPRESENTED. THIS MUST BE WHAT ITS LIKE IN THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF WOMEN.

Well, well, well. Looky here. Bill Gates got his little microchip weenie dusted and slapped by Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's findings of fact, when he decided the anti trust case against Microsoft without a jury. "Jury? We don't need no stinking jury. Get a rope!" This sets the stage for an eventual ruling that could either mean the breakup of the software giant or even such extreme censure as the mandatory group- combing of Bill himself. What a darn shame. I imagine Netscape and Apple are holding celebrations that would wake Archimedes. The shelves of Silicon Valley party supply stores empty. Of course you know what will happen. The same exact scenario that recently starred Ma Bell. First it'll split up into umpteen different entities then slowly merge back together again under the guise of marketplace forces. Meanwhile, the split and reformed Microsoft stock will be worth more than the United States Gross National Product, and eventually they'll take over our government. And then Bill Gates will become President and everybody will have to wear their hair like that, and a most of us will move to Amsterdam to drink Heinekin and eat pommes frites and wear wooden shoes. Click clack. Click clack. Click clack.

110999:0309PST
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, ONLY AN HOUR AND A HALF FROM EVERYWHERE ELSE: TAHOE, SAN FRANCISCO, NAPA, CHICO, MONTEREY, RENO AND EVEN BAKERSFIELD. EERIE, ISN'T IT? WHAT THEY SAID/ WHAT THEY MEANT: MILLENNIAL EDITION.

• What William the Conqueror said after the Battle of Hastings, 1066: They put up a hard fought battle, but the breaks just happened to fall our way.
• What He Meant: You got to love the English for lining up together in a close knit formation.
   
• What Kublai Khan said after succeeding his brother Mongke as ruler of China, 1260: He was a great Mongol.
• What He Meant: The schmuck was no Ghengis.
   
• What Tamerlane said after piling 30,000 Persian heads in a mound, 1387: Hey, they always had the choice of surrendering.
• What He Meant: I don't speak Persian.
   
• What Joan of Arc said after Battle of Orleans, 1429: It is the will of heaven that the English be thrown out of France.
• What She Meant: You got to love the fact the French hate the English so much, they'd believe I hear voices.
   
• What Columbus said after landing in Hispaniola, 1492: I claim this land for Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain.
• What He Meant: Where the hell is Calcutta?
   
• What George Washington said after the Battle of Monmouth, 1778: They put up a hard fought battle, but the breaks just happened to fall our way.
• What He Meant: You got to love the English for wearing red in the woods.

102799:0130PDT
CARSON CITY, NEVADA, WHERE A BROTHEL BURNED DOWN IN THE EARLY HOURS AND IT WAS THE LEAD STORY ON THE LOCAL NEWS. SOME OF THE GIRLS MOVED ACROSS THE STREET TO WORK AT THE MOONLIGHT BUNNY RANCH. COOL. NOT THE CONFLAGRATION; NOW I GOT DIRECTIONS.

Yes, supermodels are selling their eggs. What's everybody flipping out about? You don't want a supermodel egg, don't buy a supermodel egg you blithering idiot. Its not like they're on the cover of the Sharper Image Holiday catalogue or a strategic game piece in a McDonald's Happy Meal Giveaway. Refuse to go to the website and refuse to inject bulimia into your bloodline. Yes, it is that simple. George Carlin and Dennis Miller both sold their integrity for the sake of some bullshit ripoff 10- 10 number. There's the frickin crime. Not Dennis Miller so much. He's been playing patty cake with lifesize M & M's for while now, so at least we're dealing with a guy cognizant he's neck deep in corporate kissy butt. Not quite the same credibility gap Bobcat Goldthwaite hanglides above while lambasting talentless wannabees sucking on various tarnished dignity tailpipes after himself making a talking horse movie. Oh, I get it, therein lies your validation. Yeah, right, nice tv show. But Carlin? The only man left who says stuff all of us believe but only he has the balls to say? The guy who kicked a cop so he'd be thrown in the same squad car as a handcuffed Lenny Bruce? I guess eventually, we all sell our eggs. All depends on what you're willing to hold out for. Might as well set the standard while you're young and beautiful. Me, sure sure, I'd sell out in a New York second. Wouldn't take much either. Condo in Kona. Any bidders? Can't have the whole soul, though. Just bits and pieces of it at a time, until its nibbled away like piece of nine grain bread pecked at by ravenous crows next to a dumpster behind the "Everything Is 99¢" store at the mall. All I ask is you leave me a little crust to dream on.

102799:2343PDT
CARSON CITY, NEVADA, WHERE SATURDAY'S BIG NEVADA DAY PARADE IS GOING TO CULMINATE IN A SACRIFICE OF THE ENTIRE CAST OF RIVERDANCE. WELL, NO, NOT ACTUALLY, BUT I'M TRYING TO BUILD A GROUNDSWELL HERE.

I read about it and saw some clips on the tube, but I still can't believe it happened: Bill Bradley debating Al Gore in round one of seven New Hampshire debates? Did they seal the doors from the outside? Who must I have intercourse with to get the Vivarin concession in this setup? Which do you prefer? Dutch elm disease or narcolepsy. Granite versus marble. "Excuse me sir, would you like some ice on your wood?" The race for the Democratic nomination for President is shaping up to being the most boring since my third grade social studies teacher rammed through Marni Minor as hall monitor on the straight "Because I said so" ticket. Both are stiffer than Jesse Helms on a Gay Pride Parade float and each is so excruciatingly precise in their answers you'd think they were explaining the importance of fire drills to a classroom of Attention Deficit Disorder pre- schoolers. Six more of these policy wonk lovefests with the major contention between the two being one wants to amortize the Social Security cost of living increases while the other thinks a means test might be more appropriate. Together they have the sex appeal of a rusted out propane tank. Yeah, these guys are going to make the general populous forget about Clinton. And the Democratic Party as well.

110199:0008PST
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE GAMBLING, PROSTITUTION, AND 24 HOUR DRINKING AREN'T JUST A TRADITION, THEY'RE A WAY OF LIFE. BUT I THINK THEY'D GIVE THEM ALL UP AS LONG AS THEY COULD KEEP THE THREE DOLLAR BUFFET.

First it was mandatory bicycle helmets. Now they're ruining Halloween for kids. Making them go out during the daytime. That is so weenie. You can't look scary during the daytime, even in really good Newt Gingrich makeup. You know, with that grey felt helmet hair and the multiple chins. Of course I may be dim, but not overwhelmingly dim. So I can figure out why they're doing it. Because there's weird people out there. Especially around Capitol Hill during business hours. But let's be honest, there have always been weird people out there. Every neighborhood had ONE house you did NOT go to. And everybody knew whose house it was too. "Oh Jeez hey, don't go to the Giuliani House. Ol lady Giuliani's putting syringes in the brownies, she's not even trying to hide them. The points are sticking right up out of the crust. I've gone through three pillow cases. My mom is going to be pissed." Back at the Westward Ho subdivision in New Berlin, Wisconsin, we organized our own nocturnal pre- Internet. Me, Jeff Treadl, Bob Bielefeld and John Kashian would divvy up the subdivision into quadrants and later we'd reconnoiter and ascertain who was giving away regulation size Snickers bars. Not the phony toy 5/8ths ounce minis, but the standard, 1 3/4 ounce size. We'd line up and go back over and over. Switching masks. Affecting limps. "Drag your foot, you're a crippled space man now." Then we'd resell the stash in the teacher's lounge. Apprentice capitalists.

110299:0034PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE OFFICIAL HALLOWEEN CELEBRATION IN CIVIC PLAZA DREW 6,000 PEOPLE AND THE OUTLAW CELEBRATION ON CASTRO STREET DREW 275,000 PEOPLE. MEANING REBELS OUTNUMBER NORMAL PEOPLE HERE 46 TO 1.

Pity Prince Al. You can see the frustration etched onto his outstanding Grecian brow. Mr. Perfect Attendance is stymied. He just can't figure out why we underclassmen don't appreciate all the things he's gone way out of his way to do for us. Even the counselors acknowledge he's the best Senior Class Vice President we've ever had. Isn't this the same Mr. Honor Roll who banished the smokers to the 7- 11 parking lot and brought OSHA standards to Shop? How bout his fiber optic rewiring of the school's telecommunication system, so it sends out immediate automated notices to the homes of the tardy and absentee? Why isn't he receiving kudos from the student body for his unfailing support of higher scholastic standards and more rigid polyeurathane seat benches in the detention room? Hasn't he stood as a model for permanence and marble monuments? And why the gosh darn hasn't this square jawed world class resolution translated into nubile cheerleaders sucking the chrome off his bumper hitch? Metaphorically speaking that is. Poor petrified Al, he studies hard all his life to be the best and the brightest and now he can't get people to take him seriously because he got too good at it.

102199:0218PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE FORMER CAMPAIGN CONSULTANT CLINT REILLY IS RUNNING FOR MAYOR ON THE IKE TURNER PLATFORM: I DIDN'T REALLY HIT HER THAT HARD, AND BESIDES THE WENCH WAS ASKING FOR IT.

Campaign Finance Reform Trivia Quiz.

1. The Senate failed to end the Republican filibuster to allow discussion on the campaign finance reform bill. How many votes short was it?

A. 60. It was such a nice day, nobody showed up.
B. 8. Does the term, along party lines have any meaning here?
C. 0. Someone told Al Gore Bradley was in favor of it, and he mistakenly cast the deciding vote against it.

2. Senator Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., said in response to the failure.

A. Well, we sneaked it by them again, boys.
B. There is no momentum whatsoever for this.
C. Drinks on the house and give the bill to those suckers paying taxes!

3. "Soft Money" is

A. Money that melts in your wallet, not in your bank account.
B. The unlimited sums that flow to the national political parties from corporate treasuries.
C. Not as hard as "stiff money" but a lot softer than "liquid money."

4. Any Republican Senator in favor of campaign finance reform is

A. A commie pinko yellow rat bastard.
B. Running for President.
C. Obviously not up for re- election in the year 2000.

5. If Senator John McCain had answered Senator Mitch McConnell's demand to name exactly who was corrupted by "Soft Money," he would have said

A. Everybody from the entire Congress, to all state legislatures, and down to senior class high school vice presidents.
B. Mitch McConnell.
C. Not Liddy Dole, and look what happened to her.

102299:0005PDT
SUNOL, CALIFORNIA, THE SMALL NORTHERN CALIFORNIA TOWN OF APPROXIMATELY 1000 WHOSE MAYOR FOR 11 YEARS WAS A DOG NAMED BOSCO. NICE TO SEE PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE TRUE LEADERSHIP QUALITIES WITHOUT REGARD TO SPECIES PREJUDICE.

Sorry I've been a mite slow these last couple of days. I got this lung mung that's going around, so instead of going on that quickie vacation with my lovely wife Debi up in Bodega Bay like we were supposed to, she and I are hanging around the house hocking up loogies the size of footstools. A lot of the warming up exercises are the same. Except, now, the arms akimbo out of control sliding is done on a thin layer of used kleenexes. I think I'm getting better, because the loogies are no longer the color of pale grass, but more of a mother of pearl translucent sort of deal. Called the doctor to inquire how to get rid of this creeping crap, and he said not only doesn't he know, but if I should figure it out to call him immediately since he's had it for over a month and can't seem to shake it. Good news, especially when Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw just can't stop talking about Anthrax. I'm just glad 48 hours have gone by and the two of us haven't crashed and bled out yet. I hate being sick. I'd rather be in Idaho than be sick. Food doesn't taste good, cigarettes are a death defying act, and even coffee seems horribly horribly wrong. Everything that validates being an adult becomes suddenly not only worthless but your enemy. And if you want to get well, you have a bedtime. And your allowance is used up on coughdrops. Not even those good cherry flavored candy ones, but the healthy eucalyptus kind. Sick sucks.

102499:2148PDT
MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE BEAUTY OF NATURE'S WONDER IS ENOUGH TO BLIND YOU. ALONG WITH THE PRICES OF THE CERAMIC OTTER PLATES AND THE FASHION SENSE OF THE HORDES OF LUMBERING TOURISTS.

Hasn't it always seemed more suspicious than a brown towel in a prison hospital ward that Halloween, the holiday celebrating the soulless undead means Election Day is the following Tuesday. The two do have a lot more in common than sharing the same linear space of a calendar page. The smell of desperation as the evening nears and the giddy excitement of pre- pubescent revelers for two. And purely as a public service for your edification I have catalogued a couple of others.

1. The people who best pretend to be somebody else obtain the mostest bestest goodies.
2. Ghouls rule.
3. The real work goes on in places where darkness and secrecy reign.
4. The scariest are the ones who don't even know they're wearing costumes.
5. James Carville is an honorary mascot.
6. If you don't come through with the right favors you run the risk of getting TP'ed. AKA: trick or treat.
7. The major focus of the event is orange skinned vegetables with the smiles carved on.
8. Greed is not only encouraged but rewarded.
9. Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon are perennial favorites.
10. Well meaning warnings not to get involved are continually made and continually go unheeded.

102699:0354PDT
PACIFIC GROVE, CALIFORNIA, WHERE TED TURNER PHILANTHROPIST/ RANCH OWNER (WE KNOW IT AS WYOMING) SPOKE TO THE EGA AND TALKED ABOUT HITLER PICKING HIS NOSE. DON'T ASK, IT SEEMED TO FIT AT THE TIME.

You listen to the speakers down here at the Environmental Grantmakers Association and you'd think the world was ending in an hour. Talk talk talk: we're running out of space, we're running out of water, we're running out of air. Doom and gloom. Gloom and doom. There's a hole in the ozone at both of the poles. So what? Just comb it over from the equator. We have to return the earth to its original state. Yeah, kinda precludes the whole human deal doesn't it? Save the world. Save the world. Not one word about money. If we're running out of all this stuff, wouldn't that just make it all the more valuable? How come we're not busy locking up the oxygen concession? Nobody ever thinks about the brightside of global warming. Except me.

* Think of all the energy saved when Sweden doesn't have to import coffee anymore.
* Microwave cooking available in any outdoor area.
* Oceanfront property in South Dakota.
* Hefty Bags remarketed as Sunblock 8000.
* The tasty treat of Arctic tuna.
* Desert dune buggy race courses everywhere.
* Siberian surfing excursions.
* More realistic desolate barren outer planet landscapes readily available for "Armageddon" sequels.
* Martha Stewart hair products causes her head to spontaneously combust.
* Software salesman conduct client calls in thongs.

101499:0040PDT
BEL AIR, CALIFORNIA, WHERE AUTHORITIES SAID THEY FOUND A DEAD GUY AT WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S HOUSE BUT COULDN'T IDENTIFY THE BODY. I'M THINKING, YOU GOT A SIXTY- THREE-YEAR-OLD SEVEN-FOOT BLACK GUY. CALL UP BILL RUSSELL AND IF HE ANSWERS, IT'S WILT.

To say the Republicans didn't receive a whole lot of favorable response for their plan to balance the budget on the backs of the poor by delaying Earned Income Tax Credits, is like saying the introduction of the Ebola Virus into the drinking water of New York City is not being welcomed with open arms. Excepting of course people living upstate. But you can't keep a good GOPer down and I'm sure they're poised like a flock of mangy turkey vultures on a telephone wire overlooking a pen of diseased baby chicks waiting to unleash Even More Clever Republican Schemes To Balance The Budget.

* Schedule a Congressional salute to Nancy Reagan, putting Democrats to sleep and then change all the numbers.

* Keep the numbers the same, just change all the figures to base 8 and then spend like sailors on leave in a Mexican port.

* We pay farmers not to grow wheat, pay the homeless not to use social services. Doesn't need to be a long term program.

* Soylent Green.

* Institute a tariff on books by French authors and tax subtitles on all foreign movies.

* Quick sale of all senior citizens to the Dutch.

* Four words: Washington Monument and product placement. The blue wrapper they slid over it looks like a Trojan ad.

* Use our military to prop up international despots in exchange for huge weapons buys from our defense contractors. Oh right, that's already in the budget.

101599:0101PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A NEW WRINKLE HAS ENTERED THE MAYOR'S RACE. SUPERVISOR TOM AMMIANO IS ENTERING AS A WRITE IN CANDIDATE. WHY NOW, WITH LESS THAN 20 DAYS TILL THE ELECTION? BECAUSE SAN FRANCISCO NEEDS DECISIVE LEADERSHIP.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.

* Instant Replay is being used by the NFL. Of course at Dallas Cowboy games, coaches can access the extra angle the DEA surveillance cameras provide.

* Hillary denies seeking plastic surgery. Said she doesn't want to be "someone she's not," while on her stump tour of New York in an effort to represent their needs in the US Senate.

* A British court allowed the extradition of Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet to stand trial in Spain. Still unsure how a conviction would affect his CIA pension.

* Linda Tripp is suing the White House and Pentagon for invasion of privacy. No, that's the entire joke.

* Kenneth Starr is scheduled to clean out his office next week. Imagine he's off to Afghanistan to teach the Taliban how to be puritanical.

* George W's denial of doing illegal drugs suspiciously stops at 1974. And what was Dad's job during that time? Head of the CIA. So, what are the chances the drugs George W doesn't deny doing were the same drugs the CIA didn't bring in during what wasn't the Vietnam War?

* Senator John McCain officially announced his candidacy for President. After enduring more than five years of torture in a POW camp, one can only assume he developed a taste for it.

101899:0035PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE EXPERTS PREDICT A 70% CHANCE OF ANOTHER BIG EARTHQUAKE IN THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT? MOVE? GOOD IDEA. MAYBE ENOUGH PEOPLE WILL SO THAT A NORMAL HUMAN COULD ACTUALLY AFFORD TO LIVE HERE.

10 years after, those of us who encountered the biggish one of 89 have turned into jaded quake aficionados. Had a tiny trembler the other day and the overall response was, "Oh, that, an earthquake? No, I don't think so. Not even a decent aftershock. A whimsical little quiver with a smooth buttery finish, but not a quake. Our cats won't hide under the beds for less than a 6.0." The upside of quakes is they're over in less than a minute. No drawn out days watching the weather channel for updated computer plottings. We start with nothing. Then, BAM!!!! Then you clean up. And that's it. Little muss, some fuss. If I really have to go, which it seems I must, what with everyone steadfastly insisting I do, I wouldn't really mind doing it because the earth starts dancing, a chasm appears, I fall in, it slams shut. Makes it seem so pointed. "I want you! Now!" Speaking of death wish, my favorite true story of San Francisco: a couple of years ago, there was an earthquake in the Pacific Ocean, like an 8.0, which is Heavy Richter. So all along the Pacific Rim there was a Tidal Wave Watch and in San Fran, 2000 people go down to Ocean Beach to spectate a tidal wave. I'm thinking, this has got to be nature's delicate way of weeding out the stupid. And you know there had to have been one surfer in a wet suit on a board, screaming "Hellabitchin radical wave dude." Smeck! Right into the Pyramid Building.

101999:0205PDT
RENO, THE FORGOTTEN LITTLE BROTHER OF LAS VEGAS THEY KEEP IN THE ATTIC OF NEVADA. A TOWN WHERE THE HEIGHT OF SOPHISTICATION IS WEARING PRESSED JEANS TO THE TRACTOR PULL.

Oh yeah, the earthquake thing. My parents in the Midwest flip out a lot more than I do. "How can you live out there? Aren't you afraid of the big one?" Yeah right Ma; I hope the big one does come and the rest of the country slides into the Atlantic. Make Tahoe the East Coast. "Hey dude, where you going?" "Headed towards the East Coast man, want to be there by noon. Want me to drop you off in the Midwest, somewhere around Placerville?" I love those scientist guys who say pets can predict earthquakes. Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've retreated to my bunker because my cats were aloof. "We better get out of her, Mr. Bigglesworth is acting distant and yet somehow indifferent. Aaarggghh!" I remember one time a shaker hit while I was coming across the Golden Gate Bridge. It was twisting up and down and left and right. I got to the toll booth and gave the guy a five. "Keep the change. It was worth it." The last five years in the Golden Plated state, we've had droughts, fires, floods, mudslides and earthquakes and people keep moving for the climate. We should just change the name from California to Satan's Drive-By.

100699:0336PDT
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE IT'S RAINING. WHO KNEW? WHENEVER YOU SEE A REDHEAD UP HERE, YOU CAN'T ASSUME THEY'RE IRISH, BUT MUST CONSIDER FIRST THEY MIGHT BE POOR UNFORTUNATES AFFLICTED WITH TERMINAL RUST.

The big Reagan biography came out and the Republican powers that be are madder than a bunch of roosters in a henhouse after vasectomy surgery. I'm pissed because of all the stuff that didn't make the book. Remember when the old man blamed pollution on trees? Right after he said ketchup was a vegetable. What happened to those telling tales? We're talking about the guy who vetoed the clean water bill. Vetoed the clean water bill! What was going through his tiny little mind? "Clean water, hunh, well, I don't know, I better have Nancy sacrifice a goat and paw through the entrails. And now, introducing the newest member of my Cabinet, Countess Zenda." People give him credit for ending the Cold War, but nobody mentions the fact he was the very same nuclear cowboy responsible for heating up the damn thing, by talking about limited nuclear warfare, which is a lot like saying partial total destruction. In fact, I never really worried ol Lizard Neck was going to push the button, I was always afraid he would nod out and fall on it. Then after he retires, he writes a letter to the press saying he had Alzheimer's Disease. My theory is he wrote the letter in 1979 and just forgot to mail it.

100699:1537PDT
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE A CONFIDENTIAL POLICE REPORT ADMITS PORTLAND'S FINEST INFILTRATED A DOWNTOWN DEMONSTRATION AGAINST THE BOMBING OF IRAQ BACK IN DECEMBER. JUST LIKE OREGON TO GET THE SIXTIES THIRTY YEARS LATER.

Ronald Reagan, we were talking about Reagan and his legacy as defined by Edmund Morris, who wrote the biography "Dutch" in which he included himself as a fictional character who wanders in and out of the Gipper's life. A fictional biography. What a perfect fit for the most fictional of all Presidents. It's like trying to use a vice grips on a shadow. A man as malleable as liquid mercury in zero gravity. And yet people are complaining. "But where's the nuance? Where's the subtle fixed gradations?" Hey guys, we're talking about the man famous for napping at Cabinet meetings. How many gradations of obliviousness are you looking for? When testifying at the various Congressional hearings he simply claimed he didn't remember, couldn't recall, had no idea and nobody questioned it. Everybody assumed he We're talking about the emptiest vessel since they found the shell of the Titanic. The guy who coined the phrase "Just say no." And he led the way by taking a drug test. Of course, he had three weeks advance notice, and the results weren't publicized. Hell, Keith Richards could pass that test. But mostly Reagan will be forever be remembered for his trickle down economics theory, as characterized by George Bush as "voodoo economics." Or as we the American public interpreted it, "more is good, most is best, too much is not enough."

100899:0016PDT
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE THE RECYCLING POLICE WILL CHASE YOU DOWN IF YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO PUT A TIN CAN IN A BIN THAT'S MARKED WHITE PAPER. THINK IT'S A FELONY.

So the deal is, it seems George W Bush really is smarter than a bucket of rocks. Well, clever enough to figure out a candidate claiming to be "Mr. Compassionate Conservative" doesn't try to pay for rich people's pork sandwiches by skipping across the heads of the poor by taking away their Earned Income Tax Credits. When the Republican Congress first floated the idea, the thought was every right thinking GOPer would fall in line with the same practiced goose step they've perfected since Newt Gingrich first trained his Revolutionary army. Unexpectedly, Georgie Peorgie Pudding and Pie decided, since he already had the nomination sewed up, now was the time to position himself for the general election, which does not include treating the poor and middle class like stepping stones on the way to Capital Gains Reduction Valhalla. A far thinking Republican. Who knew? Maybe the guy is Reagan redux. Maybe the guy can reshape the Republican Party into the Party of the little guy. A party with its focus on the future rather than the next quarterly dividend. A party that cares about people instead of corporate interests. Of workers instead of lobbyists. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry, had a brain glitch there. We got a better chance of Pat Robertson advocating a needle exchange program. Or Hillary Clinton pushing for anti carpetbagger legislation.

101199:0109PDT
PORTLAND, OREGON, WHERE THE MINIMUM WAGE IS $6.5O AN HOUR; $1.35 MORE THAN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY. THEN YOU TAKE IN THE COST OF LIVING UP HERE AND IT MEANS BUS BOYS ARE LIVING LIKE KINGS.

Pat Buchanan is threatening to bolt the Republican Party for the Reform Party probably because the Nazi Party is in such disarray these days. And now the actress Cybil Shepherd is making noises about running for President. Not very intelligible noises, but that's never been a prerequisite before, so why quibble. She brings something to the Presidential race it's never had; cheesecake potential. If you discount the hot passionate allure that was Geraldine Ferraro, that is. I imagine Shepherd is also thinking of the Chock Full of Nuts Party, aka: the Reform Party, because all those other parties have so many gosh darn rules, like filing restrictions and platforms. What with Donald Trump and Warren Beatty talking about getting their feet wet, the field is getting crowded but there's still a lot of constituencies not represented and plenty of room left on that Reform Party nomination ballot. So here's my suggestions of available candidates over 35 who still could file for the hand of H. Ross Perot and his ragged band of followers.

* Ron Reagan Jr. He's got better name recognition factor than George W. and neither dad is going to object.

* Michelle Pfeiffer. Hell, I'd vote for her.

* Mr. Fred Rogers. Lets see Pat Robertson try to wrench the Christian Coalition vote from a saint.

* Charles Barkely. He's been talking about running for office and might be the only guy who can post up against Bill Bradley.

* Bob Hope. Who doesn't love Bob Hope, and he's younger and more sentient than Strom Thurmond.

101299:0049PDT
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE 13 MILLION MEMBERS OF THE AFL CIO CONVENTION AND ITS 68 UNIONS ARE SET TO VOTE ON AN ENDORSEMENT OF EITHER BRADLEY OR GORE. KIND OF LIKE CHOOSING BETWEEN CREAM OF OATS AND CREAM OF WHEAT.

It's musical chairs time in the Democratic Party with the candidates switching roles faster than company players in a Elizabethan theater troupe. First you got your Gore, the heir apparent challenging the challenger, Bradley, to a series of debates. While the ex New Jersey Senator is the one playing hard to get and taking the high road. This is real similar to some tiny little startup throwing venomous spitballs at AT&T. Oh, maybe I need a better analogy there. Gore went so far as to dump the Vice Presidential Seal usually hanging on his lectern and has even abandoned the lectern altogether to move closer to his audience. Kind of like a Calvin Coolidge talk show. If I were the Vivarin people I'd step up production in anticipation of the debates between the two. Then RoboVeep moved to Nashville so he can play Mr. Outsider and display the proper barbecue stains on his $2600 suits to prove it. At the same time Bradley queried "why can't the race be like McGwire and Sosa?" I have no idea what that means. Maybe he plans to pull a Hillary and claim Caribbean descent. Or maybe he's accusing Prince Al of being pumped up on steroids. Which might explain the stepped up challenge to now include a death cage match. "Two go in, only one comes out."

092999:0100PDT
CANDLESTICK PARK, SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE GIANTS LOST TO THE DODGERS IN THE THIRD LAST BASEBALL GAME EVER TO BE PLAYED HERE. 80 DEGREES AT A NIGHT GAME AND I WORE SHORTS. LIKE AFTER 40 YEARS THE PARK IS LAUGHING AT US, "OH YOU WANTED WARM. YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?"

Oh my God, here we go again. Wake up Harry and Louise or whatever the hell they were called, because the liberals are planning to mess with the health care again. Bill Bradley, the so-called cerebral candidate, meaning he should know better than to get involved in an issue stickier than a frosted cinammon roll on a vinyl seat in Death Valley, unveiled a reform package that would enable every American child to have health insurance. Did you hear that? Everyone of them. Not just the children of those who can afford the deductibles, but all of them. Poor kids even. And he wants to use the federal budget surplus to pay for it. To squander away our hard earned tax cuts for the health of the children of America's less fortunate. What is he thinking? The man has obviously gone quite mad. Now, we all know compassionate conservatism is when you pass a homeless guy on the street and say "Hi," but this is bleeding heart liberalism at its worst. Whatever happened to the survival of the fittest? The thinning of the herd? Next thing you know he'll be calling for a living wage, probably citing some lame excuse like poor people's right to eat food. Damn liberals.

093099:0338PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US AND THE REAL WORLD IS HERE ANY FIFTEEN PEOPLE WITH THE SAME HAIRCUT QUALIFY AS A RELIGION.

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani doesn't like art. Well not all kinds of art. Just a certain kind of art. The kind of art that people might object to because he's running for Senator of New York kind of art. You know: anti voter art. To be specific; anti Catholic voter art. Of course this is the guy who sucked up to Disney so hard he should have mouse ears tattooed on the inside of his cheeks, so we can safely generalize his idea of art history probably doesn't include South of Houston post modernistic romance bohemianism, or as it is known in some circles; SoHoPoMoRoBo. Giuliani is to art what rabid wounded wolverines are to Ming Dynasty tapestries. Personally, I don't think he knows enough about art to be able to spell it if you spotted him the "A" and the "T." If he had his way, the Brooklyn Museum of Art would be full of nothing but big eyed dogs playing poker with Elvis on velvet. "Now that's aft." Of course, as a response, his competitor for the vacating Senator Moynihan's seat, Hillary Clinton, is being forced to support the presentation of a picture of the Holy Virgin Mary with a piece of elephant dung clumped on her right breast, a position she would probably trade with the fringe on one of those Oriental tapestries we earlier spoke.

100599:0111PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYORAL CANDIDATES ARE NOW HEATING UP THE MUD THEY'RE SLINGING. WAIT UNTIL THEY START HIDING ROCKS INSIDE IT, AND THEN WE'LL KNOW ELECTION DAY IS NEAR.

In the perfect ironically twisted ending to the Reagan legacy, conservatives are wringing their hands and keening in the street because Edmund Morris' long awaited new biography of Ronald Reagan provides little or no insight into the man. Hello! You can't high dive into a sidewalk puddle people. Face it --most Presidents are figureheads--Reagan was a hood ornament. He had the intellectual depth of a ashtray. The guy was an actor, for crum's sake. Trained to read other people's lines. If he had been good at writing and delivering his own lines, he would have been a comic. Heh heh heh. Wasn't even a good actor. Turned down Bogart's part in the movie "Casablanca." Imagine how history would have changed if he had taken the part. Bogart might have been President. Of course, "Casablanca" would have been a crappy movie. I mean, a society has to have priorities. After Hinckley's assassination attempt, Uncle Ron didn't even know he was shot. I don't know about you, but I'd prefer future Presidents come fully equipped with central nervous systems. Even a single cell animal knows he's been injured. Paramecium go "Oww." And this is the guy everybody is saying George W. Bush reminds them of. We should be so lucky. If they wanted a blank slate that bad you'd think every effort would have been made to keep Quayle in the race.

092299:2109PDT
MERCED, CALIFORNIA, WHERE HUNDREDS OF TURKEY VULTURES HAVE TAKEN UP RESIDENCE IN PARK TREES AND THE CITY FATHERS ARE TRYING TO SCARE THEM AWAY WITH FIREWORKS. WONDER IF THE SAME TACTIC WOULD WORK WITH OUR MAYORAL CANDIDATES.

Things You Can Count On To Happen Sometime During An Election Campaign:

* Inevitably, in a fit of pique, one candidate will call his opponent a scum sucking sheep rapist with the morals of a hyena with one leg caught in a trap and later when he is forced to drop out he will still be able, with a straight face, to wholeheartedly throw his support behind the very same candidate.

* A campaign manager will get caught redhanded leaking horrible information about the competition. When exposed he will be loudly sacked, only later to be rehired with all the fanfare of a Klan meeting.

* At some time a staffer will let it slip he thinks Hitler was misunderstood. Not Hitler himself, but his motives. Only in the Pat Buchanan campaign will it turn out to actually be the candidate.

* It is only the first, second, third and subsequent times you hear the phrase "Its not about the money," before you can be absolutely positively sure its all about the money.

* It will be constantly denied and continuously concealed but the overriding subtext to everything that goes on is the difference between a bribe and a campaign contribution is nothing more than five syllables.

092399:0051PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE DEVELOPERS ARE COMPETING TO SEE WHICH OF THEM GETS PERMITS TO BUILD THE EQUIVALENT OF SIX PYRAMID BUILDINGS DOWNTOWN. IF THEY WERE ALL PYRAMID SHAPED WE COULD PLAY HOLOGRAPHIC RING TOSS.

I'll write it, but you're not going to believe it. I hate to beleaguer a point, but you can't make stuff up like this. Janet Reno and the Justice Department sued the tobacco industry to recover billions of dollars we taxpayers spent on smoking related health care. The same Federal Government subsidizing tobacco farmers to the tune of millions of dollars a year. The same Federal Government that spent the last thirty years warning the public about the dangers of smoking. And now it's new news? Oh, and did I mention, Janet Reno also announced at the very same press conference she's closing without charges the five year criminal investigation into whether tobacco companies lied to Congress about the addictive nature of tobacco. Hey, c'mon Janet Baby, I know it's addictive, you know it's addictive, they knew we knew they knew it's addictive. We knew they knew we knew they knew we knew. They knew you get the idea. They had memos about its addictive nature, they had studies about its addictive nature, hell, they probably had tattoos. "Born to drag." And they laughed at us. On national tv. Just giggling and punching each other in the arm up there: "No, of course I don't think cigarettes are addictive." "Me neither." "Yeah, what they said." "Hunh, I'm sorry, (snicker) what was the question again oh yeah. Wait, No. I. Don't. Think. Cigarettes. Are. Addictive. Either. I'm not even sure cigarettes exist. Are you? I don't see any here."

092799:0125PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A RECENT POLL SHOWS THE THREE MAJOR MAYORAL CANDIDATES ALL HAVE HIGHER UNFAVORABLE RATINGS THAN THEY DO FAVORABLE RATINGS.

The makers of the TEC-9 are now marketing their product as being "finger print resistant." A semi automatic weapon known on the streets as a "bullet hose" and now it leaves no fingerprints. Gee, I can't imagine to whom this revelation is being targeted? Exceptionally persnickety target shooters? Hunters? Not too many deer out there with access to fingerprint kits. Those hooves are so unwieldy. Cops? Well, maybe a couple of New York's finest in need of a throwdown. But no. One doesn't have to be a MacArthur genius to figure out the only people who would be interested in a finger proof resistant gun would be people who don't want to leave any fingerprints and want to shoot something. I'm thinking bad guys. Gun manufacturers advertising to criminals. What next?

Free samples?

Frequent felony miles?

Get Out Of Jail Free Coupons?

Receive a tiny action figure of famous bad guys throughout history with every purchase: Collect Them All!

Form a division of Colombia House: The Piece of the Month Club.

Jumping on the bandwagon, I can see Pharmaceuticals flacking "a totally untraceable poison perfect for getting rid of unwanted household pests such as cockroaches and deadbeat husbands."

Internet sights featuring detailed instructions on how to make bombs out of equipment normally found in any pantry. Oh yeah, I forgot, we already got that.

092899:0001PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE WORLD HAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT FEEL. FOR INSTANCE, HERE A CONSERVATIVE IS ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T HAVE TWO DIFFERENT NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO PRESETS ON HIS CAR RADIO.

Dear Vice President Quayle:

On behalf of my fellow professionals, please allow me to express our deep disappointment at your recent announcement you can no longer continue your valiant pursuit of the Republican Party's nomination for the Presidency. After all you're responsible for a large part of our income. But its not just us, the whole country is destined to be poorer without your childlike enthusiasm and the unique viewpoint you bring to an increasingly homogenous public fray. You are a singular voice without peer in electoral politics and will be missed like toothpicks at a Barbecue joint. Not to mention your patented delivery and that special wide eyed look of a forgotten innocence you bring to every interview show. If its a matter of money, I'm sure my confederates and I could raise a couple of bucks to tide you over until your inevitable breakthrough. But I'm sure you have your mind made up, and as you have so often said, "its a terrible thing to waste one's mind." So great good luck on your upcoming (I'm sure) book tour and we'll be looking forward to your special insights on the rest of the Presidential election campaign. Oh yeah, we'll miss Marilyn and her hairdo too. Please do not think it beneath yourself to hope for George W's demise so you can throw your beanie into the ring once again for the 2004 carnival. We are.

On behalf of comedians and editorial cartoonists everywhere,

I remain your ever ardent admirer,

Will Durst.

091699:0009PDT
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE HOUSING CRISIS HAS GOTTEN SO BAD, ONE LANDLORD IS CHARGING A YEAR'S RENT IN ADVANCE. REMEMBER WAY BACK IN THE GOOD OL DAYS WHEN THAT WAS KNOWN AS A DOWN PAYMENT?

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.

• Jesse Ventura refereed at a recent WCW event. There was a bit of a protest from some of the wrestlers who thought the presence of a politician would cheapen the sport.
  
• If Al Gore falls in a primary race, does he make a sound?
  
• Why is it, the biggest outcries against same sex marriage always come from places attempting to uphold the sacred bond between a man and his cousin?
  
• An appeals court ruled New London, Connecticut officials were justified in rejecting a man for a position as a peace officer because he scored too highly on intelligence tests. Can't have a cop craving croissants now can we? Must have the same restrictions in place for politicians. Its the only answer.
  
• Newt Gingrich reached a divorce agreement with his second wife, after the disclosure of his relationship with a 33 year old Congressional aide. Guess those family values he keeps talking about are based on Caligula's family.
  
• In Maryland, doctors removed half a girl's brain, turning her into a boy?
  
• Don't think boomers are getting older? Elton John just had a pacemaker implanted. He still has hair covering his ears, but now it's sprouting from the inside.
  
• Some Welsh professor claims Robin Hood was gay. Going to have to change the whole adage to "stole from the rich and gave to the artistic."

092099:0650PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHICH THIS WEEKEND SAW THE LONGEST RUNNING BLUES FESTIVAL IN THE WORLD PLAY TO THE WORLD'S LARGEST COLLECTION OF WHITE WINE SIPPING NPR LISTENING, VOLVO DRIVING TOFU EATING BLUES FANS. GET DOWN.

It takes a bit of savvy and a couple of semi legal maneuvers to survive on the road here in the Bay Area, home to the country's third worst commute. So purely in the public interest I have compiled a list of driving hints for those of you in desperate need to get to work on time just to make sure the people forced to do your share don't screw up. If you follow this advice I guarantee you will get there at least in time to punch out.

• Do everything you can to avoid getting stuck behind Volkswagen vans sporting public television bumper stickers. Fake an accident if you have to.
• Remember, yellow means step on it and the first second of red is really pink.
• If you can't see a head but only two gnarled hands on the steering wheel of the car in front of you, move at least two lanes away immediately. If you can see a hat, one lane is fine.
• Use your time wisely. Don't try to write notes for the early staff meeting while you're headed towards the freeway. Wait until actually on the freeway.
• It really doesn't matter which lane you pick at a toll booth, yours will be the one where the booth operator goes on break, or idiot boy in the Trans Am tries to pay with Canadian pennies and food stamps. The other lanes will always pass you in a blur. Keep reading matter handy.

092199:0014PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE DAYS ARE GETTING SHORTER, AND THE EQUINOX IS JUST A COUPLE DAYS AWAY. AND THEN WINTER STARTS AND THEN SPRING AND SUMMER AND ALL OVER AGAIN UNTIL WE DIE. COOL.

I was speaking earlier of the secret patented Will Durst clever tips "How To Speed Up Your Commute Hell", which these days is pretty much anywhere in the world during the hours of six am and eight pm Monday through Friday, Los Angeles not included. So here goes with more. Please take notes.

• Drive naked. Dress when you arrive. Makes the whole thing seem to go faster.
• Lane markers and speed limits are merely suggested guidelines. Any cop will understand if you explain you're in a real hurry.
• Play music loud enough to drown out all incoming noises, and make sure windows are rolled down so you can share your excellent taste with roadmates.
• Hand gestures are an underutilized way for drivers to communicate with each other. Practice them.
• If you see the driver next to you talking on a cell phone, honk the horn and make a sudden swerve at him just to insure he's alert. He will thank you for it later.
• Stopping for food can lose you valuable time. Eat in the car. Those little Fry Babies now come with cigarette lighter attachments.
• Remember a relaxed driver is a good driver. Perhaps a good stiff drink before heading off might help.
• Create a diversion before attempting to use carpool lane while alone. Preferably something involving pyrotechnics.

090899:0146PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYOR RAISED $404,000 IN SOFT MONEY FOR HIS RE- ELECTION CAMPAIGN. THAT'S NOT SOFT, THAT'S DOWNRIGHT PLUSHY. DOES THE PAST TENSE OF FLEECE HAVE ANY MEANING HERE?

For the bargain basement price of $36 billion, CBS just got itself gobbled up by Viacom Inc., to join an entertainment empire partially consisting of MTV, VH1, Comedy Central and Nickelodeon. With a stable already including The Nashville Network and Country Music Television, this move leads to a programmer's cross fertilization wet dream with shows able to feed off fractured fragments of other shows and characters hanging ten on a cross promotion surf boards sixteen channels wide. This synergy is bound to change the looks of the "the Tiffany Network" along with the other channels a mite more than somewhat. Here's a few possibilities.

• Matlock's Road Rules.
• One of those Diagnosis Murder stunt episodes where all the suspects are Rugrats.
• Mike Wallace, Dan Rather and Morely Safer Celebrate Spring Break in Havana.
• David Letterman: Live At Budhakon.
• Walker: South Park Ranger.
• Touched By A Sponge Bob.
• 48 Hours: The Real Real World.
• Nash Bridges replaces Cheech with Catdog.
• Total Request Andy Rooney Live.
• JAG's House Of Style.
• Where Are They Now?: The King of Queens.
• The Animorphs With New Improved Howard Stern On It.
• Everybody Loves Ben Stein's Money.
• Crook & Chase & Cosby.
• Martial Law Meets The Goo Goo Dolls.
• Yo! Bryant Gumbel Raps.

091099:0135CDT
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE TEN PERCENT OF THE VOTING AGE POPULATION ELECTED A MAYOR YESTERDAY. OF COURSE THIS IS THE TOWN THAT RE- ELECTED A SHERIFF WHO WAS IN JAIL AT THE TIME. I COULD LIVE HERE.

On the banks of the Mississippi, in his home town of Crystal City, Missouri, William Warren Bradley officially announced he is running for the Democratic nomination for President without ever mentioning his opponent, Al Gore by name; mirroring the strategy of the Vice President who has treated Big Bad Bill like someone not tall enough to get on the ride. The six foot five inch former Senator from New Jersey pledged to fight racial strife, restore trust in government and spread the nation's prosperity to the most downtrodden Americans. In other words, for the first time in eight years, an actual Democrat has a real chance of becoming President. Up till now, to say Bradley has been running a low key campaign would be like saying the prospects of Mark Furman's lecture career as opening act for Louis Farakhan are slim. That all changed with this huge chromium steel media event dripping with Mayberry bunting, as the former New York Knick, "a small town boy," claimed to have learned about hard work and discipline from his father and honesty, courage and integrity from his mother. No word on who he holds responsible for his outside jumper. And with this semifinal playoff game tightening up, Prince Al may find out Bradley may have lost a step or two but he can still move to his left. And with Gore's tendency to grow roots, he should really be worried about the Jump Ball.

091399:0349CDT
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET A MEAL WITH GET A MEAL WITHOUT A SIDE ORDER OF GRITS. STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY ARE. "CREAM OF GRAVEL" OR
A REALLY RUNNY POLENTA.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This:

• The saddest part of the newest Yugoslavian crisis is seeing the tears roll down the eyes of the waves of Albanian refugees landing in New Jersey as they realize, maybe Kosovo wasn't all that bad.
• The one thing you have to give flailing Republican Presidential candidate Dan Quayle is he doesn't know the meaning of the word quit.
• Unfortunately neither does he know the meaning of the words: hopeless, ineffectual or futile either.
• Did you ever get the feeling that whenever Danny boy sees a supporter sporting a "Quayle 2000" button, his face lights up as he shakes their hand muttering incredulously, "Hey, that's my name too."
• Scientists are encouraged by their chronological plotting of the evolution of prehistoric creatures with wings. There are now two answers to the question: what do you call a dinosaur with wings? A Pterodactyl or Continental Airlines.
• In Las Vegas a mob lawyer was elected mayor. The campaign must have been exhausting. Every day: kissing babies, breaking knee caps. Facing the big pair of shoes he had to fill, I guess his bag of cement was sufficient.
• Got to feel sorry for those Cubans on the Yankee roster. They leave an oppressive tyrannical rule to work for George Steinbrenner.
• Wonder how long we'll have to wait for the Jenny Jones episode "Whining Relatives Of Murdered Talk Show Guests."

091499:0133CDT
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE THEY LOVE NASCAR AND THEY LOVE JESUS. IF JESUS DROVE NASCAR AND WAS SPONSORED BY HOOTERS, THESE PEOPLE WOULD NEVER LEAVE THEIR HOMES.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.

• Doctors in LA have voted to unionize, leading to the specter of severely unintelligible picket signs.
• Looking on the brightside of military secrets stolen by China scandal. They're now paying $600 for hammers and $2000 for a toilet seat. Maybe we'll bankrupt them.
• How come thoroughbreds don't get shoe contracts?
• At least Hillary can claim to be one of the few women in DC not involved in a sex scandal with her husband. No truth to the rumor she's setting up a Westchester County chapter of Parents Without Partners.
• Scientists released a study suggesting cancer to be a leading cause of death in spiders. I would hazard second only to the shoe.
• Dan Quayle is attacking lawyers for advancing needless litigation and thinks offending counselors should be sued.
• It's a shame the Russians are abandoning the Mir Space Station right after updating to Windows 58.
• On his Pacific Rim tour, Clinton is consoling East Timorese refugees. I guess he can relate to people no longer welcome in their homeland.
• A recent American Airlines crew fell asleep during a flight. What they need to do is outfit the cockpit with coach seats. Just as insurance.
• Looking forward to the advent of Digital TV, when we'll clearly be able to see there's nothing on.

090199:0331PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE FIRST MAYORAL DEBATE FEATURED ACCUSATIONS OF LIES, ALLEGATIONS OF CORRUPTION AND CHARGES OF DEPRAVITY. IN OTHER WORDS, THE ELECTION PROCESS IS RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

Dateline: Virginia. August 31, 2004.

Tobacco companies boosted wholesale prices by another 75 cents a pack on Monday, in part to pay off the trillion dollar Asian health care settlement reached last week, and in part to increase their profits to around $14 a pack. At the state sanctioned Indian Smoke Stop Casino and Pleasure Ranch in San Leandro, the price of a pack of Marlboros was set to increase to $32.25 a pack today. "I should have stopped when they started charging $15," lamented Mabel Fumeria as she signed over the pink slip of her 95 Toyota Cressida and selected 3 cartons of Salem Extra Light Longs. While many health experts expected higher prices to deter people from smoking, it turns out manufacturers are experiencing increased profits. "We all knew they were vile and greedy, but these actions have totally surpassed our wildest expectations. We stand in awe," a nameless scientist made up for this report reportedly didn't say. This latest hike marks the sixteenth consecutive week cigarette prices have increased stemming from settlements reached from 32 countries and 3 continents over costs incurred by treating smoking related diseases and cleaning smoking related drapes and furnishings. Meanwhile, the state's 34 Smoketowns, (smoking legal compounds) raised their admission charge to $16 an hour with a three hour minimum on weekends up from ten bucks an hour. In related news, the Mexican government announced Corona will now cost $44.79 a six pack to dissuade the curiously strong border riots caused by American consumers flocking to purchase the relatively cheap liquor and contraband chocolate, recently outlawed here in the states along with Altoids.

090399:0038PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CITY ATTORNEY GENERAL'S 27% CONVICTION RATE ON VIOLENT CRIMES IS BEING ATTACKED AS LOW. NOT A WORD ON HIS EXCELLENT RECORD ON HOLDING DOWN JAIL OVERCROWDING.
Well, not only do we have plummeting 747s and Russian nuclear missiles randomly firing in 360 degree arcs to worry about on December 31, 1999; it also appears we have a Y2K jr. to fret upon. The next scheduled digital bogeyman is September 9, 1999, or 9999, which turns out to be computerese for "stop program." Jeez Pete, is there anything else they forgot to tell us, like "Oh yeah, by the way, on the 13th of October, all street lights will operate in reverse." Not even the smartest scientist on the face of our rock knows if the two digit turn to 00 will signal computers to revert to 1900 or even back to the year 900, when we will all be classified as either plows, horses or rough hewn tables upon which spoiled fruit is to be sold. Then there's the Bride of Y2K, February 29th, 2000, which a lot of people didn't even know was supposed to exist since the whole century leap year thing is as confusing as Russian chess manuals translated into Chinese. And don't forget to tread lightly around the Son of Y2K's Third Cousin Once Removed, April 9, 2000, the 100th day of the new millennium, when all carbon based life on earth will evaporate in a blinding cloud of pink mist and the plants will rule the world. Oh, didn't we tell you? Must have slipped our mind. Sorry. Carry on.

090799:0130PDT
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ASSEMBLYWOMAN NELL SOTO, D PAMONA, AUTHORED A BILL TO MANDATE GAS STATIONS PROVIDE FREE AIR AND WATER TO CUSTOMERS, AND HAVE CLEAN BATHROOMS WITH TOILET PAPER. NOTHING IN THE BILL ABOUT TWO PLY.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.

* Hillary Clinton asked Bill to withdraw his offer to commute the sentences of 16 members of a Puerto Rican terrorist organization. Apparently she discovered one of her great aunts was Puerto Rican in an earlier life.
 
* A team of researchers at Princeton isolated a gene that makes mice smarter. Great, just what we need; smarter mice. We can only hope another team of researchers is working on that whole "build a better mousetrap" thing.
 
* The manufacturer of Beanie Babies announced the entire collection will be retired at the end of the year. Even though he shares their cuddly nature, it is not expected this action will affect Strom Thurmond.
 
* The Clintons purchased an 11 room Dutch Colonial home in Chappaqua, New York, for $1.7, after their top fundraiser, Terry McAuliffe, personally secured a loan to cover the mortgage. Wonder how 8% plus a monthly vig is defined under "conflict of interest?"
 
* The Paris Hotel has materialized on the Las Vegas fantasy landscape already cluttered with faux replicas of ancient Egypt, Caesarian Rome, Venice, New Orleans, New York, Texas and Mandalay Bay with a San Francisco themed Casino soon to come. Eventually every geographical point past and present will be represented. Looking forward to the Calcutta Casino with a rotating stream of losers brandishing begging bowls rimming the entrance. Now known as quarter poker video players.

30 second mystery

DRAG SCREEN
Picking up the tail was as hard as finding a Starbucks in Seattle. Had to be a cop. Stuck out like an accordion player in the front seat of a cab observing lane regulations. Couldn't follow a conversation with a verbatim text. Probably not only knew where I was going, but where I should be. Ducking into Big and Sassy, I emerged in a lovely bronze and black velour caftan over a black crepe skirt topped with an ebony turban: my brown suit wrapped in white tissue bound with a gold embossed seal in a silver bag. Bumping into him, I apologized, and we repaired to a bar. Six scotches later, he confided the Lieutenant's hunch of departmental involvement. We made plans to meet where he thought the brown suit would eventually light. As he left, I made straight for the wrong rest room to adjust. Always hated panty hose. And the thong was on backwards. Which wasn't that bad.

082699:0829PDT
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, WHERE THE WORLD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO TYPES. LOSERS WHO DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER AND THROW THEIR MONEY AWAY AT THE CASINOS AND THE PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE CASINOS AND SHOULD KNOW BETTER BUT DON'T.

Here's an idea. Maybe George W really doesn't know. First he adamantly refuses to talk about past drug use, because its "not an issue." Then he issues a statement announcing in effect he won't elaborate but confirms he's been clean for seven years, Then he says its at least twenty five years since he put anything up his nose stronger than a saline solution. Beyond that he declines to comment. I'm thinking the reason the dauphin is so fuzzy about the whole contretemps is a fear he was so cranked out of his mind for such a long, he simply can't remember. We're talking blackout city. Probably has a fuzzy black and white recollection of wandering around various Texas tittie bars (don't blame me, that's what they call them) with crack rocks dripping out of his nose into the cleavages of an assortment of amply endowed exotic dancers while being poured into limousines by a motley collection of hand picked bodyguards, none of whom are currently available for comment considering their bizarre simultaneous demise at the hands of random violence committed by unknown assailants all on the same day. Or maybe the guy made a few mistakes then straightened out. And I'm thinking a majority of us would rather be governed by a real human than a bunch of Dudley Do Rights who never admit actually screwing up. Of course if crack whores and sedated sheep are involved, that's a whole different thing.

083099:0122PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SUMMER IS ENDING THE SAME WAY IT BEGAN, ENSHROUDED IN FOG. COOL AS A CUCUMBER AND THE RESIDENTS ARE COMPLAINING. THOSE RESIDENTS WHO DIDN'T VENTURE TO THE MIDWEST IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS.

The following may not be facts, but are certifiably teachable in the Kansas State School System.

* The world's entire monetary system can be described in terms of corn.
* The answer to the question "what is two plus two," is totally dependent on what you want it to be.
* Electricity is a tool of the devil.
* Anything that comes out of your body can go right back in.
* Charles Darwin was an imaginary creature designed by Walt Disney's evil competitor.
* Drinking a lot of beer makes you attractive to the opposite sex.
* Watching one quarter of football is equivalent to twenty five push ups.
* Ronald Reagan was the greatest President the United States ever had.
* Sunflowers control the weather.
* Wonder Bread builds strong bodies 12 ways.
* Tobacco lobbyists exhibit many of the same characteristics of actual carbon based life forms. * We're not really sure if the world is flat but you're in Kansas, so who the hell really cares.
* The Christian god is the only true god. All the other gods bite big beige banana slugs from Mars.
* McDonald's doesn't post nutrition charts for nothing.
* The stock market will continue going up indefinitely.
* Earthquakes and Hurricanes are God's righteous smiting of sinners. But not tornadoes.

083199:0001PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE FRANK JORDAN AND CLINT REILLY, THE TWO MAJOR MAYORAL CHALLENGERS HAVE MADE A PACT TO TEAM UP ON WILLIE BROWN IN TOMORROW'S DEBATE. AS LONG AS THEY DON'T SHOWER TOGETHER.

Libyan leader, Colonel Moammar Qaadafi, is looking for a public relations agency to improve his image in Britain. Might want to first tackle an easier task, like procuring a pork concession in the lobby of the Jewish Defense League. Or attempt to outlaw cheese sausage in Wisconsin. But since interesting employment opportunities are my cup of tea, I'd thought I'd devise a couple possible cutting edge advertising campaigns exclusively designed to turn the Q man into a cuddly international pooh bear.

* Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Tripoli it is.
* The Mother of All Mad Dictators is back and this time its personal.
* If Uncle Sam hates him so much, how bad can he be?
* Like Saddam, only better.
* When they say, "he's the bomb," they mean it.
* The wheel may be turning but the gerbil is dead.
* A couple decades shy of a retrospective.
* Spells his name with a "Q," it's not followed by a "U," this boy plays by rules we don't even understand.
* When you absolutely positively need a raving despot overnight.
* It's gotta be the eyebrows.
* Not your father's insane psychotic paranoid lunatic overlord.
* As stable as a two legged stool.
* A day without Qaadafi is like a day without sunshine.
* Is he crazy or is he ain't crazy? You willing to make that judgement?

081899:0255PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE FBI IS BEING BROUGHT IN TO INVESTIGATE SUSPECTED CRIMINAL WRONGDOING IN CITY CONTACT AWARDS. IMAGINE THAT. GRAFT IN POLITICS. WHAT NEXT? NEPOTISM IN THE AWARDING OF IVY LEAGUE ADMISSIONS? THE MIND BOGGLES.

Going north to Alaska. That's right, by the year 2,487,940, downtown San Francisco will be beachfront property on the Bering Sea. That is if we keep having our yearly minimum requirement of Earthquakes and you believe the blow dried blondes on tv. Had a little weenie 5.0 yesterday, not really enough to wake an arthritic dog and it was still billboarded as top news story on all the local newscasts. Lot of man on the street interviews where ordinary men and women on the street mostly said, "Whew, earthquake. Scary." Then of course the required in depth close up discussions with nerdlicious seismologists wearily repeating "yes, yes, we live on a series of fault lines and things like this will happen." How often? "Like I said last time and the time before that and the time before that nobody knows. You want to see my new pocket protector. It's made out of a space age polymer." Interesting little sidebar was the 7.8 earthquake centered in western Turkey. Killed 2,000 or so. No Americans or San Franciscans yet discovered among the injured but that's not the big news. The big news was the shaker in the Bay Area where glass rattled and someone's kitchen cabinets won't close.

081999:0122PDT
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, A TOWN THAT IS TO GOOD TIMES WHAT WASHINGTON IS TO SOUL DECAY. AND A LARGE PART OF IT HAS TO DO WITH THE ABOLITION OF THAT STUPID LAST CALL BUSINESS. MAYBE DC SHOULD CONSIDER IT.

Dear President Clinton & Mrs. Future Senator of the great state of New York Clinton:

Okay, Bill and Hill. But just this once, you rascals. Allow me to reiterate what an honor it is for you to have chosen me to be your exclusive realtor in Westchester County. My family says it's such a tribute, I should renounce my commission. Ha ha ha ha ha. A bi partisan squadron of research consultants couldn't have selected a better community for you to relocate in. These are quality people up here and I'm sure after the briefest of acclimation periods, you folks will fit in right as rain. As you are undoubtedly aware, this is probably not the best time to be house hunting due to the extended upturn of the economy. Especially considering the caliber of people found in this, America's third wealthiest suburban area. It's a seller's market folks. Through no little fault of your own I might add. If you'll forgive me a little joke, it's a classic case of "hoist on your own petard." Too bad you weren't looking during the tail end of the Bush Administration. These places were going for the proverbial song. It goes without saying your references are impeccable (the Pope went over big), but I'm afraid the banks are being rather intractable on the 20% down. They're being uncharacteristically adamant, but I'm sure you understand as neither of you has what could be called a real job lined up. Although I remain confident the term "Senator Clinton" will be a phrase New Yorkers will find themselves repeating over and over again with vest busting pride. Just like we did with "Senator D'Amato." Like my mother used to say, "Polls. Schmolls." And of course, Bill, you do have your pension. So don't lose faith dear hearts. We'll find that special "love nest" you two spoke so passionately of. As for the separate identical wings, I have my eye on this cute Tudor 32 room manse now occupied by one of those start up upstarts whose stock has finally floated back down to reality. One more quarter of red ink and I think he'll come crawling to us. If you know of somebody who might know of something about anything please give me a couple days notice to start the slow squeeze. As long as it doesn't infringe on one of those "need to know" dealies. Jeffrey loves the cuff links and be sure to tell Chelsea our Jason can't stop talking about what a fox she is. He told me to say: "Go Cardinal," whatever that means.

Looking forward to your next incursion , I remain,

Yours truly,

Tama Cuhorszy
Century 21
Senior Vice President New Accounts Westchester County

082399:0643CDT
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, THE BEST CITY IN AMERICA TO GET AWAY FROM REALITY. LIKE GOING ABROAD WITHOUT HAVING TO GO THROUGH CUSTOMS. A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY WITH OSHA STANDARDS.

Darwin, we're not in Kansas anymore. The Kansas State Board of Education took two webbed-foot steps backwards by deleting every reference to evolution in their science curriculum. Then they sprouted gills, jumped into a tar pit and waited for their momentum to carry them back into single cell bliss. You see, untoward development is frowned upon in Kansas. And the teaching of science is not to be confused with fact. It's only astrology with a better publicist. No, the real truth is some wizened old floating head with a long white beard drew a picture in the sand with his magic fingers and created man. And that's what will be taught in Kansas. Yeah, okay fine. But don't blame me if the kids in Kansas grow up believing other outdated myths like one group of people are intrinsically better than other groups. Oh, I get it, its a tribal thing. People, the Bible is to science what "Wheel Of Fortune" is to a master's degree in literature. Some other myths you might to teach unsuspecting kids; the sun is pulled across the sky by a giant turtle. Thunder means God is bowling. And educators aren't just political hacks and really have their kids welfare at heart.

082399:1703PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYOR'S ACTIONS ARE BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE FBI. MAYBE THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HE'S GETTING THOSE BRIONI SUITS ON A MAYOR'S SALARY.

It is the height of hypocrisy for us to wait even a day before responding to the Kansas State Board of Education deleting evolution from their science curriculum. The only way to truly send our message of support is to encourage them to widen their policy of protecting impressionable young schoolchildren from actual learning by suggesting other objectionable course subjects to be struck. And I'm just the guy to do it.

· History. Just change the whole course of study to reflect the way we'd want it to be. Oh, that's right, we've already done that.

· Geography. Rescind all that foreign emphasis. Concentrate on what's really important. Kansas.

· Mathematics. Why not abolish that whole silly fraction thing. We'll round everything up to the next highest number. Like the federal government.

· English. Gerunds, schmerunds. Very overrated and always getting in the freaking way.

· Study Hall. From now on, it's simply "Hall". Too much pressure.

· Civics and Government. Kansas should lose the "Civics" part and change the whole thing to "White People's Religion and Government" in order
to be consistent.

· Home Room. Take your pick. One or the other but not both.

· Physical Education. Exercise is the work of the devil. Steroids accomplish the same thing.

30 second mystery

DARKEST VICTORY
His oily accent conned her into betraying her blind sister. If you define a simple introduction as a betrayal. Which she obviously did. Flaunting his affairs, she bided her time. The dropped clue about dad's bearer bonds in the bottom filing cabinet drawer at their shared decorating office was not accidental. Fearing the worst, sister hired me to stop her. I broke into the office early but late, and she tied me to a chair with a series of sailors knots supervised by a large caliber cannon. Behind the door, a sweep of his flashlight would have revealed all, but he dove straight at the filing cabinet. Jimmying it with a Phillips screwdriver he didn't scream so much as howl with an expected resignation when the spring loaded pan of sulfuric acid flew up scorching his eyes. Her high heel staccato exit paused as his whimpering subsided. "I'll send you a cane."

081199:0044PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE THIRD TAXI DRIVER IN AS MANY YEARS HAS BEEN SHOT BY A PASSENGER. SO THE SCORE REMAINS PASSENGERS THREE, TAXI DRIVERS ONE.

George W. Bush Jr, and the W apparently stands for Wussmonster, has refused to weigh in on the question 11 of the other 12 candidates for President have answered quicker than you can say "Christian Coalition $1000 a plate fundraiser." The showdown has to do with what he did or did not put up his nose way back when the W stood for Wickedwildboy. No truth to rumor he's anxious to attend the Iowa Straw Poll wielding his own straw. The reason he cites for declining to deny ever using the Bolivian Marching Powder is twofold: A. He refuses to get into the politics of personal destruction, and B. It would mean he had less chance of winning the Republican Nomination than Robert Downey Jr. He also said by answering he would send a bad message to impressionable youts. Which means what? He was doing it wrong? Swabbing it onto his underarms with Q-Tips from a galvanized tub perhaps? Dunking his eyebrows in a foot high pile of it? Or using it on his cinnamon raisin toast as a sugar substitute? A lot of people think George W. Bush has a very good chance to become our next president. Of course a lot of people think George W. Bush has already been President and is his father running again. Like a sequel. Versus Prince Albert: the spinoff. When what we really need is these two sorry retreads go on hiatus and for a groundbreaking sensation to premiere as a mid-season replacement.

081399:0117PDT
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE THE FEDS HAVE FINALLY DIVESTED THEMSELVES OF THE MUSTANG RANCH BROTHEL. I DON'T KNOW WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT RETIREMENT DESTINATION FOR SOME OF OUR REPRESENTATIVES. THEY HAVE THE PRACTICE.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This. Iowa Straw Poll Edition.

* The Iowa Straw poll is undoubtably the most American of pre election samplings. The best election money can buy.

* Warren Beatty is threatening to get into the Presidential race. He says he believes campaign finance reform is the number one issue worrying the public. With this delicate finger on the pulse of the American public, he might be better suited for coroner.

* Lamar Alexander has gambled his entire campaign on the results of the Iowa Straw poll. The guy might want to form the charter chapter of Campaignaholics Anonymous. Could make his comeback as Lamar A.

* It is said Dan Quayle has lowered his expectations for the straw poll. Not quite enough I fear.

* Pat Buchanan is thought to be considering bolting the Republican Party for the Reform Party. The same party Warren Beatty is thought to be courting. Sounds like the Soup to Nuts Party. The Nuts part, that would be Perot.

* Conservative commentator Gary Bauer on his recent campaign swing; "I've traveled a lot in California and I don't think California is any different from the rest of the country." Which makes me wonder if Mr. Bauer's obvious geographical deficiency shouldn't prevent him from driving.

081699:0224PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE 22 COMEDIANS PERFORMED FOR FREE IN FRONT OF 20,000 PEOPLE IN GOLDEN GATE PARK AT THE 19TH ANNUAL COMEDY CELEBRATION DAY. 22 COMEDIANS AND ONLY 1 WAS A POLITICIAN. SO 21 TOLD JOKES ON PURPOSE.

The Iowa straw poll: the first playoff game in the quest for the Super Bowl known as Campaign 2000 is over, and there are about as many winners as there were losers. Most folks managed a foot in each camp.

The Winners.

WINNER: George W. Bush. Won.

LOSER: George W. Bush. "Mr. Everybody Should Just Go Home Because I Got This Thing Wrapped Up" didn't win quite as big as he should have.

WINNER: The Iowa Republican Party. Made themselves $25 per vote.

LOSER: The Iowa Republican Party. Responsible for sacking their own backfield 15 months before the final gun.

WINNER: Malcolm "Steve" Forbes. Finished second.

LOSER: Malcolm "Steve" Forbes. You'd think with that kind of money he could hire a coach to teach him to blink when he talks.

WINNER: Elizabeth Dole. Came in third.

LOSER: Bob Dole. Going to suffer through at least a couple more rounds of Viagra jokes.

WINNER: Gary Bauer. Religious right standard bearer a surprising fourth.

LOSER: Everybody else.

The Losers.

LOSER: Lamar Alexander. Came in sixth.

WINNER: Mrs. Lamar Alexander. Her husband finally coming home after running for President for six continuous years. The Energizer bunny finally winds down.

LOSER: Dan Quayle. Finished eighth behind Alan Keyes.

WINNER: Dan Quayle. Has plenty of time to brush up on that home vacuum repair correspondence course he's been meaning to take.

LOSER: Orrin Hatch. Came in ninth.

WINNER: Orrin Hatch. Never expected to do so well.

LOSER: Pat Buchanan. Finished behind Gary Bauer in courtship of far right.

WINNER: The Reform Party.

080499:0154EDT
WASHINGTON, D.C., ONE OF THE MOST REPRESENTATIVE TOWNS IN AMERICA WHERE HARD WORK, A LITTLE ELBOW GREASE AND GOOD OL AMERICAN KNOW HOW IS ALL YOU NEED TO GET BY AS LONG AS YOU GOT CONNECTIONS.

So let me get this straight. Hillary Clinton stood by her man because he was abused as a kid. Really? This turgid confession in the middle of her listening tour of New York in a race for the open Senate seat. How convenient. Was he physically abused? No. Was he sexually abused? No. He was conflicted. Hunh? See, he found himself caught in the middle of massive friction between his mother and his grandmother. Forgive me for being so insensitive, but in my house we didn't call that abuse. We called that dinner. By the same token you could say torment was a family reunion. Our annual summer vacation road trip to Iowa in the station wagon was a violation. My mother's oyster raisin curry dressing was a regular assault. To this day I'm still plagued with feelings of inadequacy based on my father's prowess at Chinese Checkers. I can't tell you how ravaged I was by years besieged with nightmares stemming from the incessant clacking of my Aunt Hoogoolah's dentures. I was pestered by my brother, vexed by acne, and battered in football practice. So there is my confession. As a child I was abused as well. Weren't we all.

080499:1517EDT
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THE CITY PLANS TO RELEASE HUNDREDS OF HARDENED CRIMINALS BACK TO THEIR HOME COMMUNITIES. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, CONGRESS IS ABOUT TO GO OUT ON RECESS AGAIN.

And now another delectable taste treat from that classic Washington Cookbook, "Recipes for a Beltway Shutdown." This bipartisan favorite is a hearty casserole sure to drive constituents mad with a pent up mouth watering thirst and those mischievous lobbyists back to the table time and again for more. So go to it, but remember, this savory dish is like revenge, best served chilled and not under the oven bright lights of August media exposure.

FISCALLY MYOPIC BUDGET CROCKPOT

1   bunch of tax cut proposals cut to look good
    (don't worry about quality)
435 egos/ all sizes
8-10 large sprigs of Presidential Ambition
3   cups voter ambivalence
1   pinch of reform, crumbled
6   tablespoons of sticky motives
8   ounces of intractable pride
1   (55 gallon) drum of greed
1   12 ounce beer

DIRECTIONS:
Toss the first four ingredients together in a moist overheated Rotunda, careful to shield the sprigs from exposure while separating the egos. Discard the reform and marinate until recess is imminent. Mix in the motives (use extra sticky if you can). Sprinkle the pride on top, and bury the whole thing in the greed. Have towed to sea by the FDA saving the beer to drink while you try to forget you're going to have to make the whole damn thing about 30 more times before its edible.

080699:0026EST
WASHINGTON, D.C., THE ONLY PLACE ON EARTH WHERE THE MOVEMENT IN WHICH THE RICH GET TIRED OF SHARING EVEN A MEASLY SLICE OF THE PIE AND TRY TO CONSUME THE WHOLE DAMN THING IS CALLED A REVOLUTION.

Weeeell, seems as if I struck a bit of a chord there. Doing jokes on JFK Jr. How dare I? I agree. It was totally out of line. And I'm terribly terribly terribly sorry. Filled with remorse. Consumed with rue. Contrite as all get out. So as an equal opportunity offender its only fair I expand the concept a bit. The guy you got to feel sorry for is Ronald Reagan Jr. Want to bet the national period of mourning for him is somewhat less than three weeks by about 21 days? And he ain't getting no round the clock Coast Guard air sea search either. Maybe a one eyed fisherman on a banged up dinghy. More likely a couple of guys on a hill with their hands shielding their eyes. "See him?" "Nope." "Me neither." "Want a beer?" "I'll buy." Amy Carter. Yeah, sure. But only if Jimmy and Rosalyn build the reconnaissance crafts themselves. One of the Ford kids? You got to be kidding. "Did you hear, Jack Ford's missing." "Interesting, can I get lids on these?" Eleanor Mondale. You bet. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised to see Bill Clinton head up the search and rescue team himself.

081099:0054EDT
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE 1500 COPS AND THREE THOUSAND PROTESTORS SHUT DOWN EIGHT BLOCKS OF PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE IN ANTICIPATION OF A NAZI RALLY, WHICH CONSISTED OF 4 COLLEGE KIDS WHO LOOKED AROUND AND WENT HOME.

It was twenty five years ago the President of the United States abdicated and a quarter of a century later we miss him more than a sinner misses confession. Because without the evil heart of Nixon, my generation's whining is a hollow thing without a center. We're just one big sugar free jelly donut. Spewing our feeble grey ponytailed anti authoritarianism like out of control sprinkler heads soaking everything in sight including the younger generation which is why they're pissed and confused. We've become these satellite moons of empty dissatisfaction in random orbit around what used to be our planet of hostility. "That's what I'm telling you kid, its not there anymore." And here's what pisses me off. We were right. He was a crook. So did anybody ever apologize? Dream on big river. Now we're lost without him. Its not black and white anymore. Nixon was the ultimate villain. A man who appeared to sweat when he lied and he sweated all the time. He was like the Nazis. You knew where you stood instead of it all being shades of grey. Today you can actually have a conversation with somebody from another party and engage in a reasonable discussion. But during the Nixon years it was war. The good guys versus the bad guys. And everybody knew who they were. i want my Nixon back. I want to know who I am again.

072899:0050PDT
HUMBOLDT, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE WORLD IS SPLIT INTO THREE DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE. THOSE WITH POT, THOSE LOOKING FOR POT, AND THOSE LOOKING FOR THOSE WITH POT.

Can someone please tell me what is the damn deal with the freaking greedy scum sucking oil companies? The only explanation I can scrape up from the dung covered basement floor of the Rationalization Museum is they are A: either handing over hourly envelopes of marked one hundred dollar bills to our duly elected representatives or B: in possession of negatives showing them in post coital bliss sucking on goat hooves. Environmentalists have been screaming about this MTBE crap poisoning our watersheds since before it was introduced. And were promptly told by all concerned to shut up. MTBE was developed to cut down on air pollution. Which it did. Now, the Feds say the trade off between cleaner air and poisoned water is bad and should be phased out. The oil companies say fine, but its going to cost us. Just like they said, sure we'll formulate it but its going to cost us. Just like they said gas prices in Northern California have nothing to do with refineries located here and it was going to cost us. Just like they said when those very same refineries were shut down because of a rash of accidents, it was going to cost us. Now the cost of gas in San Francisco is practically two bucks a gallon and about the only thing we can really believe from the smirking mouthpieces of these corporate leeches is its going to cost us.

072999: 0010PDT
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA, WHERE ONE OF PACIFICA RADIO'S BOARD MEMBERS ANNOUNCED THE BOARD TALKED ABOUT THE POSSIBLE SALE OF KPFA IN THE FACE OF WEEKS OF DENIALS. THE GOODEST OF GOOD GUYS HAS BECOME THE ENEMY. TIME TO CRY AND GET MAD.

A new report reveals 87% of doctors are frustrated with the quality of care their patients are receiving from their HMOs. They're frustrated. Think of us. The response has been typical corporate buzzard tongue double speak. The HMO Anti Defamation League immediately trotted out their pretty blow dried press relations lady. You know the one. The extremely presentable lady who speaks patiently and condescendingly like she's addressing eight year olds on a water slide about the dangers of nuclear terrorism and horseplay. As a matter of fact, the more loathsome the industry, the more presentable the woman. So this one was more than presentable. This one was of Republican Ambassadorial caliber. Think Liddy Dole without all the wacky spontaneity. And she charmingly captivated us by mouthing all the correct perky things like "We take our responsibility as America's point man on the front lines of patient care seriously. Furthermore we welcome this report as a challenge to our charge as a national trust with an even sharper eye towards obligation, duty and accountability." Or some such crap. They actually acted like they were beaming about the report, which is a lot like a bunch of fat lazy cobras welcoming the arrival of a division of mongoose SWAT teams. You just want to pimp slap these people until something lifelike comes out of their face. Preferably a small intestine. Maybe not you, but me. Nine out of ten doctors agree.

073099:0209CDT
ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI, WHERE THE HEAT INDEX REACHED AROUND 120 TODAY. HEAT INDEX. WHY DO WE GO OUT OF OUR WAY TO MAKE OURSELVES MORE MISERABLE? I GUESS THAT'S WHAT MAKES US AMERICANS. WE ARE ADDICTED TO EXTREMES.

Tax cut. Tax cut. Who's got the tax cut? Not you or me. Yet. And the parade of people convinced its a good idea are starting to slip and fall on elephant feces. Even Alan Greenspan, who might be more revered by Republicans than Ronald Reagan threw an Antarctica Sea of cold water on the tax cut proposal by obliquely musing this might not be the best time. Why? Because this whole ideological cat fight is based on the heralded SURPLUS, which could be more illusory than "the wait-till-next-year" dreams of the Indianapolis Colts. Are we all coughing up sand or does the term "mirage" have any meaning here? I guess we're expected to operate on the assumption the largest peacetime expansion in history is going to continue unabated for another couple of decades. Sure. Why won't it? And in the meantime, let's all grow leather wings and fly to that moon of Jupiter with the atmosphere entirely composed of mushroom gravy. Aren't these the same numbers only rearranged that essentially had us fight a so called Revolution over a deficit just a couple of years ago? Aren't we choreographing smoke here? Besides, Congress is already using special "emergency" exemptions from spending bills. One of which is $4.5 billion for the 2000 census. Even though a diennial census is mandated by the Constitution. If that's an emergency, I would shudder to find out what we'd call a nineteen hundred point downturn in the Dow. Y2K? Why not 2K? Didn't our parents always tell us to save some money for a rainy day? Hey, is it starting to sprinkle?

080399:0407EDT
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THREE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE LIVE. THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT, THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT, AND THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THOSE WHO LIVE OFF THE GOVERNMENT, IE: LOBBYISTS.

It was a horrible horrible thing that happened to John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr., but Jeez Pete, it's been two weeks already, which is way beyond the stringent self imposed three day moratorium we comedy humor type guys are required to honor to satisfy our innate sense of moral obligation. Two weeks. Get him off my newstand already. And how must this look to the rest of the world? We spend millions of dollars worth of money scouring the ocean for his body. Then after this intense search complete with government mandated no fly zones we finally find him. So what do they do. Throw him back! It was like a weird celebrity catch and release program. Essentially we're saying, "as a private citizen we found him egregiously under the legal limit." You know in your bones other big time celebrities are going to get all cranked out of shape if they don't obtain the same overwhelming mass grief when they vanish in the dead of night. Other Kennedys too. What about Schwarzenegger? He's both. Unfortunately the ratings spiked. Which could mean a nasty case of Search and Rescue Creep. Don't be surprised if we see a couple of Networks stage the disappearance of their sagging anorexic stars in an attempt to duplicate similar coverage. All of which will be statistically diagramed in a pie chart on the front page of the purple section of USA Today. Of course when they hide they always run the risk we may not seek.

072399:0031PDT
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TELEVISION CRITICS ASSOCIATION IS HOLDING ITS SUMMER PRESS TOUR. THREE WEEKS AT THE RITZ CARLTON WATCHING TV AND GOING TO PARTIES. I THINK I COULD DO THIS JOB.

In olden timey days, back around the turn of the century, a party's nominee for President was picked by a bunch of rich white guys wielding cigars and serious stipulations. Hence the term: smoke filled rooms. Then the public rebelled and demanded a system where they would have a voice in who became their chief executive. Which led to the state by state primary system. Through some bizarre quirk of fate known only to Eisenhower's astrologist's dog, New Hampshire became the traditional starting line. And candidates who did well there were able to gain some momentum which led to money rolling in so they could run a nationwide candidacy, usually ending in a showdown in California in June. Then a bunch of states weren't satisfied just being part of the process, they wanted to be a big part of the process and got together and created a Super Tuesday so candidates couldn't ignore their regional clout. Then every state started whining they wanted the same kind of political juice and start leapfrogging each other placing their primary closer to the front until it got to where in the year 2000 a third of the states including the biggest five will have cast their votes by the Ides of March. This means even if a candidate does well in New Hampshire, he can't expect money to roll in because there won't physically be time to do anything with it. So all the money needs to be gathered upfront. And is solicited by the candidates from rich white guys still wielding stipulations but no longer cigars. So we've gone back to the same exact way of electing a President. The only thing we've managed to do in 100 years is eliminate the smoke.

072799:0344PDT
POINT ARENA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TWISTY WINDY PART OF HIGHWAY ONE LEAVES YOU THREE AND A HALF HOURS AWAY FROM SAN FRANCISCO, AND ABOUT FORTY YEARS FROM CIVILIZATION. ITS A LOT LIKE HEAVEN WITH FOG.

Would you like a five to eight hundred billion dollar tax cut? Of course you would. Its like asking a kid if he wants hot fudge on his ice cream. Well you're not going to get it, because Bill Clinton says it "doesn't leave room for what's necessary." Whatever the hell that means. And this makes Republicans very happy. Because they know the American people are as short sighted as a herd of myopic cows crossing a pirhana filled stream and they plan on jumping on that during the next election like critics on a new Kubrick film. See the American people love tax cuts. That was the Republican reasoning for trying to gut Medicare to the tune of $268 billion and offset it with tax cuts. "The American people want tax cuts."

Well, let's catalogue more things the American people want.

* The American people want drive through nickel beer night.

* The American people want to lose weight by eating sour cream and onion potato chips.

* The American people want to clip Get Out Of Jail Free coupons from the Sunday Comics section.

* The American people would chew off their own foot if Jerry Springer told them there was liquid gold in their ankle veins.

* 20% of the American people didn't understand the question so much they thought Ross Perot was the answer.

* The American people think Bruce Willis can actually dodge bullets.

* The American people love the Home Shopping Network because its commercial free.

* 68% of the American people still believe Professional Wrestling is legitimate.

071499:0103PDT
SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A COUPLE THOUGHT IT HAD FIVE OF SIX LOTTO NUMBERS BUT THE PAPER MISPRINTED A NUMBER AND IT TURNS OUT THEY WON THE WHOLE ENCHILADA, FOREVER TO BE KNOWN AS THE HAPPIEST TYPO EVER.

The NAACP is threatening to sue the television networks and pressure advertisers because not one of their twenty six new shows premiering this fall features a Black, Hispanic or Asian star in a featured role. We're talking whiter than the Perry Como Northern Vermont CEO Polo Invitational. I don't know what the big problem is. There's as much diversity on the tube as there is in the programmers real world: like your average Pacific Palisades Parent Teacher Conference. And the NAACP has obviously been misinformed. Asians are constantly popping up as rickshaw drivers and launderers in "Martial Law." You always see blacks on "ER" as gunshot victims and questioned by the cops in "Law & Order" in gritty realistic dialogue about grisly crimes committed by Jamaican and Colombian drug lords. And aren't there plenty of wacky Puerto Ricans garbling English as various restaurant workers in "Friends?" Or is that one of those WB shows? You can't blame the networks. Economics demand they appeal to the largest demographic possible and white audiences just don't want to watch black artists. That whole Bill Cosby thing a couple of years ago was just a fluke. As is Chris Rock. And more than half the music industry. Just a long stretch of serendipitous flukes. And in Hollywood, they don't throw away good money for a hunch on a fluke. They need sure things. Like "Encore, Encore", and "Buddy Faro", and "The Sue Costello Show."

071699:0115PDT
BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA WHERE FANS OF PACIFICA RADIO STATION KPFA, PROTESTED THE REMOVAL OF A HOST WHO SPOKE ON AIR OF RECENT MANAGEMENT DISPUTES. THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST FREE SPEECH STATION: DO AS WE SAY, NOT SAY WHAT WE DO.

The Patients' Bill Of Rights. Sounds like a winner, doesn't it? You might ask yourself who could possibly be against the Patients' Bill Of Rights? Angry masochistic ogres with chronic abscessed gums? Subanthropoidal mutants? The National Guild Of Morticians Attendants? Insurance Companies? And you'd be right on all counts because the Republican controlled Senate is against it. In a straight party line vote, the Democratic Patients' Bill of Rights was voted down and the Republican Patients' Bill of Rights voted up. Except the Republican Patients' Bill of Rights should rightfully be called the "Patients' Right To Shut Up And Die Bill" as it neglects to include key provisions such as allowing patients the right to sue their HMO. To help their cause, the insurance companies even paid for a bunch of commercials that promised if the Democratic version of the bill passed, most normal Americans would lose their jobs, be thrown out on the street and eaten by mangy flatulent wolves. Of course its all just a dance. The next step is Clinton's veto waltz, and then the country gets a whole election ballet over this same damn thing all next year. Meanwhile, sick people get their feet stepped on. By big clumsy Republican Senators. A third of whom will be up for election by those same people.

071999:0635PDT
SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA, WHICH HAS ANNOUNCED IT WILL BE PUTTING A PROPOSAL ON THE SPRING BALLOT DECLARING THE TOWN TO BE A "HATE FREE" ZONE. ONE OF THESE DAYS, ONE WOULD HOPE STUFF LIKE THAT WILL BE IMPLICIT.

The kid is gone. Wasn't just Jack's and Jackie's kid. He was all of ours kid. I'm six years older than him and I still thought, think of him as the kid. Even had him as a boss at George Magazine. Almost got to meet the kid at the George party held at the Art Institute during the 1996 Democratic Convention in Chicago until his Secret Service guards spied me in the handshake line, and managed to envelope me in a stiff flesh cage talking towards their cuff links until he was safely past the seared tuna butterflied on radicchio leaves and out of my grubby little reach. Always, always behind him traveled a gaggle of well coiffed overdressed folks just kind of trolling behind sucking up the celebrity plankton he left in his wake. And that thing about women going nuts over him was true. Every kind of woman. Grandmas. Nieces. Women with clear nail polish. Women with six inch nails done up in small dioramas of deer drinking from frosty mountain streams. He was prettier than the first glimpse of justice in a dictatorship. Hell, I would have done him. So kid, may I say to you for all of us; we who hardly knew you, salute you.

072099:0115PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT HOW EVERYBODY ELSE SHOULD GET INTO THE MAYOR'S RACE, BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DO IT THEMSELVES. SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE "DAMNED IF I DO AND DAMNED IF YOU DON'T" DEALS.

It's getting warmer. Good news for you Montanans looking forward to planting backyard coconut palms. Bad news for you homo sapiens in favor of an ozone. I'm talking real warmer here. Think a big hand holding a magnifying glass somewhere between Venus and the Sun just starting to find the focus point. For a while there we were caught in a fortuitous loop. Escalating levels of carbon dioxide worked to warm up the atmosphere while escalating levels of sulphur dioxide helped cool it down. Up. Down. We were stuck in kind of a lucky crap fork there for the briefest of whiles, but now the pansy assed liberals have screwed up the pollution teeter totter. See the bleeding hearts managed to convince gullible susceptible third world nations around the world to establish tighter controls on sulfur dioxide emissions, which they trustingly did, so now there's nothing to chill out the global warming. It's our own damn fault. It only we had just left things the way they were, we'd be perfectly fine right now. Like my daddy used to say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Or if it is broke but still sputtering along like a 74 Vega running on three cylinders and a blown seal, leave it the hell alone. And perhaps hell is the operative word here. Or will be soon.

070799:0241PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE FOG SUBSIDED AND THE FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS WERE ACTUALLY VISIBLE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, AND THE GENERAL CONSENSUS WAS "OOOH, AAAH, JUST LIKE LAST YEAR ONLY DIFFERENT."

Defying the age old tradition of offering up to the public only recycled slop like other lazy patronizing networks we disdainfully refuse to name, PBS is proud to announce it's daring new innovative entry into this year's fall schedule. In an unprecedented coup, Public Broadcasting has picked up the rights to "Unsolved Mysteries" and will air an entire season branching off into more metaphysical and philosophical directions with episodes devoted to plumbing the depths of inscrutability, answering the unanswerable and other queries into the enigmatic.

*How do the English reproduce?

* Where are all the baby pigeons?

* Lexus LS400 or Infinity Q45?

* Venice: City of Enchantment or a bunch of open sewers with mediocre outdoor cafes nearby?

* Why does white trash invariably develop red necks?

* What is the deal with those darn Balkans?

* Pinocchio's Nose: simply a political occupational hazard, or does it extend to broadcast news and sports management as well?

* Why is the other side of the pillow always cooler? as explained by Stephen Hawking.

* How does Ken Burns remain humble?

* German cuisine: an oxymoron?

The show will be produced by the Electric Company in association with Frontline. Noam Chomsky will replace Robert Stack as narrator and the whole thing is brought to you by the punctuation mark "?".

070899:0236PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE X GAMERS HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME THIS YEAR THEY ALREADY PLAN TO RETURN NEXT YEAR. A TOWN WHERE THE TRIPLE X GAMES HAVE THRIVED FOR YEARS. PERSONALLY I THINK ITS EVIDENCE WE'RE REGRESSING.

You can't make stuff up like this.

* Norway has secretly built up a 500 ton "blubber mountain" from the carcasses of thousands of whales illegally slaughtered and are trying to change international law so they can sell it to Japan, where its considered a delicacy. Wonder if they'd be interested in the small cache we've managed to round up in Congress.

* More people die at the beginning of the month than at the end, which suggests to researchers extra cash from welfare checks may be the reason. Of course they have totally ignored the fact that's when cellular phone bills normally come in.

* Louisiana Governor Mike Foster signed the nation's first state law requiring students to address teachers as "ma'am" or "sir", as in "Could you cover me sir, I'm going to try and make it to study hall to call 911 for that bleeding ma'am over there."

* Nostradamus predicted July 4th would be the start of a 27 year war. And he may be right, because my Aunt Hoogolah got into a fight with her sister Mortadella and she's known to carry a grudge.

* The BBC reports scientists at the Ragamangala Institute of Technology in Bangkok are developing body armor make of silk. So at long last, we have protection that can be worn to the opera.

070999:0019PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE 9500 TONS OF OUR TOXIC DIRT HAVE BEEN SITTING IN A LIVERMORE LANDFILL SINCE MARCH 1ST. AND THE JOKE IS THEY WANT TO HANG ON TO IT. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE THE EAST BAY.

There are few things in the world more of a dead solid sure bet than testosterone crazed nutballs at gun shows but one of them is the predictable phrases desperate candidates in the throes of Maison Blanc Lust will utter with a straight face in the heat of a campaign. The reasons are as simple as their opinion of the voters. People expect to hear them say those things and the guy who says them most like he believes them wins.

* My opponent would rather raise taxes than pet his dog. As a matter of fact he doesn't even own a dog.

* I come from a family, I have a family, I think families are simply grand.

* Crime is bad and there's too much of it. What we need is less crime.

* Campaign finance reform is crucial, but not as crucial as jobs.

* We are more like we are now than we have ever been before and its because of us.

* We are more like we are now than we have ever been before but its not our fault.

* Schools are very important but prisons are more very important.

* Public transportation is a wonderful thing and other people should be encouraged to use it.

* What government needs today is more people like you, and I am one of you.

* We must sweep away the debris of yesterday and build on the solid foundation of tomorrow.

071399:0108PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MORRIS ENGLEBERG, JOE DIMAGGIO'S LAWYER, WHO HOLDS THE RIGHT TO USE JOLTIN JOE'S NAME SAYS THE YANKEE CLIPPER WOULD HAVE WANTED HIS NAME ON SOMETHING BIG LIKE THE BAY BRIDGE, THE AIRPORT, OR MORRIS ENGLEBERG'S EGO.

The worst thing about the US victory in the Women's World Cup is young girls are now going to grow up under the impression they're equal to men. How irresponsible of us. And just how do we intend to explain to them when they get older they're destined to only make 74¢ on the dollar compared to what men make? "Oops. Sorry. No. But thanks for asking. Maybe next time. Have you tried waitressing?" On the flip side, women will be able to enjoy the experience of being shamelessly exploited purely on the basis of their bodies. Oh, that's right, they already are. Not helping the cause much was Brandi Chastain stripping down to sports bra in the heat of the moment. Of course booting the winning shootout goal in the World Cup is quite a moment. I'm pretty sure most of America would have forgiven her had she had stripped down to undies and scampered about the Rose Bowl like a frisky spring lamb. As a matter of fact I imagine ABC would have preferred it. And if the ladies really do want a professional soccer league of their own they might want to put this whole topless thing on the agenda. Same with the WNBA. Lisa Leslie is a babe. Women's tennis anyone?

042899:0358PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CITY ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO PENALIZE GROCERY STORES FOR LOSING SHOPPING CARTS ON THE SAME DAY THEY HELD A PHOTO- OP AND GAVE CUSTOM MADE CARTS TO THE HOMELESS. MUST BE AN INSURANCE THING.

They got a problem in Louisiana. Okay, a couple. One is Saturday's nine way race to fill Bob Livingston's 1st District CongressionalSeat, which he resigned after being caught in the spokes of Larry Flynt's wheelchair. The field includes the owner of the New Orleans Zephyrs Triple A Baseball Team, a woman named Monica Monica, one Democrat and of course America's favorite White Supremacist with a chin implant, David Duke. According to recent polls, Duke is buried in middle of the pack, but the blow dried knuckle dragge rtraditionally flies under radar as his supporters take as gospelthe long standing custom of holding their views a private matter, meant for only the ears of their family and their Lord. Hence the hoods. Monica Monica has the unique ability to make people giggle at the mere mention of her name which may serve her well if people find themselves in the voting booth feeling they need a laugh. Bill Strain, the Democrat, only has one chance; a dead heat with the other candidates splitting their vote in an exact eight way tie and even then he'd probably come in second. The New Orleans Picayune Times recently asked all nine candidates the same three questions: name the US Joint Chiefs of Staff; identify the motion to force a bill stuck in a House Committee to the floor:and the Louisiana parishes eligible for a proposed Federal Flood Control Project. Out of the 27 answers, five were correct and three, 60%, came from 70 year old Dave Treen, who served in Congress in the 70's, thus holding an unfair advantage. Age and experience and all. I used to say if David Duke wins, people will be seeking political asylum in Mississippi, but now, I fear folks should start collecting out of state realtor references no matter hence.

043099:0354PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A PANEL IS SET TO ANNOUNCE THE COST OF RESTORING THE CITY'S PARK SYSTEM AT $350 MILLION. AND THE MAYOR HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE SETTING ASIDE $1 MILLION. WELL,IT'S A START.

Now where were we before being so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah,I was talking about Louisiana's problems. The ones having nothing to do with inbreeding, rampant corruption and entrenched racism that is. So let us now address the swamp rat, which goes by the name of Nutria. It's a South American import and has attacked marshes like a horde of swimming buzzsaws. About the size of small dog with webbed claws, fur so black it has a purplish tint;it also sports two large buck teeth that are orange. Its only natural predator is the alligator but the gators are full. TheState of Louisiana can't get rid of them, so in the great American tradition of making lemonade when you have lemons, they're trying to market it. First they tried selling it for its fur. But not even the Russians would buy that so now the state has turned to meat. Hey, guess what, tastes just like chicken. All they really need is a decent ad campaign and I'm here to help.

Nutria: the other other white meat.
The Swamp rat is once again . . . your friend.
Just eat it.
Got Nutria?
Nutria: its what's for dinner.
Did somebody say McNutria?
Swamp Rat: not just for breakfast anymore.
Eat different.
Five sixths of nutria is fifty percent of nutritious.

050499:0344CDT
ROCKFORD, ILLINOIS, WHERE 7500 PEOPLE SHOWED UP FOR A CITY SPONSORED GARAGE SALE. YOU'D THINK IN A NICE SUBURBAN TOWN LIKE THIS, MOST PEOPLE WOULD ALREADY HAVE GARAGES.

What They Say/ What They Mean

WTS: NATO: The crash of the F-16 was caused by engine failure.
WTM: That's what happens when anti aircraft artillery hits an engine; it fails.

WTS: The State Department: We want to congratulate Jesse Jackson on the success of his mission and the safe return of the three POW's and his delegation.
WTM: Obviously those smart bombs aren't as smart as we thought.

WTS: Mirjana Markovic (Mrs. Slobodan Milosevic): There is no ethnic cleansing in Kosovo. We want peace.
WTM: Actually we want... piece. A piece of Bosnia. A piece of Kosovo. A piece of Macedonia.

WTS: Tom DeLay, R- Texas: Clinton should end this failed policy of bombing for diplomacy.
WTM: And understand if he weren't bombing we'd be yelling at him for that too.

WTS: The White House: Releasing the three hostages was just a cheap publicity stunt by Milosevic.
WTM: A pretty effective publicity stunt which we got to try and negate somehow.

WTS: Sen John McCain, R- Ariz.: The President should use all necessary force to win the conflict in Yugoslavia including a ground invasion.
WTM: Oh by the way, did I mention I'm running for President?

WTS: Jesse Jackson: I wasn't trying to embarrass the administration, I was just trying to help.
WTM: Heh heh heh.

042199:0444CDT
NEW ORLEANS, JAZZ FEST, WHERE THE SPECTACLE OF MIDDLE AGED WHITEFOLKS DANCING TO 800 DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF "MUSTANG SALLY" IS ONE THAT WOULD MAKE ANY SELF RESPECTING MASOCHIST WORTH HIS SALT QUIVER WITH BLISSED OUT ECSTASY.

Most people come here for the music. For me its the food. This place is to food what Los Angeles is to silicone. Unless you think cholesterol can kill; and then N'Awlins is an AK-47 with a grenade launcher. The neutron bomb of cuisine. Destroys your internal organs, but leaves the will to drink intact. Nutritional Chernobyl. Every year, my lovely wife Debi Ann and I make a pilgrimage to the same restaurant, order the same thing, and I have no idea what it is. A stick of butter with herbs nearby is my best guess. These people have got grease . . . down. See, it's understood you need to lay the necessary base for the ingestion of vast amounts of adult amber beverages. If drinking were an Olympic sport, the residents of New Orleans would have been banned back around 1752 because they have the amateur status of Carmen Electra. Not only is there no bar time, but all the establishments convenientlyoffer handy dandy plastic To-Go cups for those of us who can't bear walking the 8 or 9 steps to the next bar sans beverage. Or even driving sans beverage. It's legal to drink while you ride, although officially the driver can't imbibe, but hey, if someonehappens to slip him a sip, this is New Orleans, a city so corrupt, Chicago is embarrassed. Disneyland for drunks. For a thirsty boy from Milwaukee, its Nirvana.

042799:0348CDT
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, WHERE THE WORLD IS DIVIDED INTO TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE. THOSE WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM AND THE DEAD.

It's official. All kids are evil, all media responsible and all parents accomplices in the Littleton tragedy. I know because the experts have descended onto the talk shows like a gaggle of sullen vultures ripping at the national wound with their beaks sharpened on the dry stone of academia and told us so. "This is not an isolated incident." "The seeds have been planted by movies and television." "There are a thousand thousands imilar stories out there." And all we have to do is maintain a constant vigil and be aware of the top ten warning signs that your teenager may be the next high school terrorist.

1. Is their room often messy?
2. Do they listen to strange discordant music whose lyrics seem incomprehensible to you?
3. Would they rather drive your car than ride their bike?
4. Are they grumpy and uncommunicative?
5. Do they question your authority and put up a battle doing simple chores like writing thank you notes to Aunt Sally for the nice crocheted sweater with the bear on it?
6. Have they taken to wearing sunglasses? Black sunglasses?
7. Answer these three questions: Piercings? Piercing? Piercings?
8. Are they accumulating a wardrobe that looks like it was rejected by the Salvation Army?
9. Do they hang out with people who look like refugees from "The Addams Family?"
10. Have you ever heard the word "out" as an entire answer to your question "Where are you going?" or "Where have you been?"

041499:0129CDT
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, THE OLDER BROTHER OF THE TWIN CITIES.ST. PAUL IS KIND OF THE WEIRD BROTHER WHO DOESN'T COME OUT OFTHE ATTIC THAT MUCH AND NOBODY TALKS ABOUT EXCEPT JESSE.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This. Serbian Edition.

* I think the United States should be able to convince Slobodan Milosevic that a "Land For Peace" deal is in his best interest. After all, look how well it worked out for the Sioux.

* The most depressing part of the Serbian bombing for Americans is getting replacement parts for used Yugos. Owners must be thanking god the best technology available was put into its design making repairs almost unnecessary.

* When you see news footage of Clinton golfing, you wonder if he thinks this whole Serbian thing is just one gigantic game of "Risk" and we're rolling double sixes, or a really well co ordinated 19 nation drive by shooting.

* Yeltsin has promised the Serbs Russian humanitarian aid. And guess where he's getting the humanitarian aid to send them. From the US. The more I say "you can't make stuff up like this", the more I believe it.

* NATO Commander General Wesley Clark asked the Pentagon for 300 more planes to make possible a rapid expansion of the attacks. Our best hope for frightening Milosevic is if we send planes commandeered directly from Continental Airlines.

* In response to questions about what will be done about Kosovo in the future, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said, "there are a number of ideas out there, but none of those have been settled upon." Which in political speak means, "we'll bomb that bridge when we come to it."

041599:0543CDT
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE WINTER LINGERS, SPRING TEASES, SUMMERIS STILL SEARCHING THE INTERNET FOR ONE OF THOSE DISCOUNT THREEMONTH CRUISES TO TAHITI, AND WINTER LAUGHS BEHIND THE COUCH WAITINGTO SEE IF ANYBODY CANCELS.

* Aah, April 15th, the day all of America gladly hands over a pound of flesh, preferably somebody else's, to the federal Government so Uncle Sam can build roads and bridges and bombs to blow up somebody else's roads and bridges.

* Of course, it makes it so much easier knowing we're dealing with a kinder gentler IRS, which means what... now they're using glue to attach your puppy's paws to the evidence van instead of sheet metal nails?

* Instead of spending a million bucks just to collect a dime, they raised the minimum to forty cents. Inflation.

* Sales taxes. Income taxes. Property taxes. Sometimes, I wonder why the government just doesn't give us free room and board in exchange for all our money. Of course, maybe we shouldn't be giving them ideas. Works for Castro.

* They say the only two sure things in life are death and taxes. How come we're doing so much research on forestalling one but not the other. Get Kevorkian on the job.

* Can not be a coincidence that taxes is so close to Texas in spelling.

* The worst part for the accountants is knowing we're already collecting a whole brand new brown paper bag of anonymous receipts to turn in next year.

041999:0444CDT
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, WHERE THE HANSENS AND THE ANDERSONS ANDTHE SWENSONS PRETTY MUCH RUN EVERYTHING. IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCANDINAVIAN MOB. GOING TO NEED THE RICO STATUTESTO BREAK THE LUTEFISK CARTEL.

Here's the deal. We're way too nice. People love to lose wars to us. We got snotty little countries lined up like we're handing out free gold filled jelly donuts begging for the chance to goad us into kicking their butts. See,we're the good guys. Which means more than our fair share of liberal weenies staying up way past their bedtime just to make sure we win humanely. And then afterwards we start feeling guilty. "Oh poor baby, did we bomb the poop out of you? Well here's some food and clothing and money to rebuild your factories. Now go play nice with the other despots. And no more ethnic cleansing! "What do you want to bet in forty years we'll all be driving Serbian made automobiles. Although, I have the feeling they won't be called Yugos. And after the war with Serbia is over, the LED numbers will click over and it'll be somebody else's turn to pop off tous on an international stage and we'll have to put our ass kicking boots back on and graphically demonstrate the business end o four size 10 EEE's. We got to start setting an example to discourage these punks. Like the Huns and Visigoths, the next time we take somebody out, we have to be cruel and unusual. No more of this Happy Valley winneI want to see heads on pikes. I'm talking looting, pillaging and making them work for the phone company. Okay, that might be going too far, but like that.

042099:0340PDT
SILICON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA, THE AREA MOST AFFECTED BY THE NAZDAQ PLUNGING AMID FEARS THAT TECH STOCKS WERE OVERPRICED WHICH STEMMED FROM A BIT OF SKEPTICISM THAT AMAZON.COM AND THE LIKE MAY NOTBE WORTH THE GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT OF THE WORLD.

I'm not sure the oil embargo of Yugoslavia is going to work andI would like to offer up an alternative form of diplomacy. A burger embargo. See, when the first wave of NATO bombing began, the citizens of Belgrade announced their displeasure with Western intervention by smashing all the McDonalds in the city. Then last week, they were reopened due to popular demand. After all, even ethnic cleansing has its priorities. Obviously a fine line between "Yankee imperialist war mongering devils; get out now or we will darken your portals with the broken shards of this yellow arched symbol of you," and: "Okay, okay, okay. We almost made it a whole month without a Big Mac, but this is silly. We still rejec tyour values, but we do love your Value Meals. And what do you mean you've run out of Monopoly game pieces?" So, we can go two ways with this. Either we force McDonalds to ferment revolt by sending them just the reject sandwiches like the Mc DLT and the McRib or we drop all the really important Monopoly game pieceson the Kosovo/ Albania border and make the Serbs trade with the Kosovars to complete their board. "All right, I'll give you three Baltics and a Reading Railroad for your Park Place. Okay,what if I throw in your grandfather's identification papers?"It may turn out the major circuit breaker between us and WW III is Ronald McDonald.

040899:0222EDT
AUGUSTA, GEORGIA, WHERE THIS MORNING AT EIGHT AM, 97 YEAR OLD GENE SARAZEN WILL TEE OFF MARKING THE OPENING OF THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT. AND BOTH HIS DISTANCE AND SWING WILL BE BETTER THAN MINE.

You could say golf is a funny game. The same way you could say nuclear warfare is a funny game. The only difference between golf and nuclear warfare is... golf is more important. And you would think that nowhere would they take themselves more self importantly than here at Augusta National, the most cherished and exclusive golf course in America. You would be wrong. This august course is huge, and hence very spectator friendly. And the concessions aren't set up simply for multiple top ten finishers either. Sodas are 75 and you can get a very edible barbecue sandwich for a buck and a half. The game played here every second weekend in April is a little different than the one I play. For instance, more things you'll hear in my foursome you'll never hear on the protour:

• Oh great. Didn't make it past the ladies tee again. Who's got the
  sunblock?
• Where's that twist-off cap I was using for a ball marker?
• Closest to the fairway for a buck?
• Should I just take a stroke or try a seven iron off that guy's grill?
• If they don't want you to drive the cart on the green, they should tell a person.
• I think getting rid of Fluff is really going to improve Tiger's game.
• Why should I pay for the window. I wouldn't build my house there.
• Is that your cell phone ringing or mine?
• All right, I'll have another hot dog, but six is my limit.
• Uh oh, here comes the marshall. Stash the pipe.

040999:0211EDT
THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT, AUGUSTA, GEORGIA, WHERE THE LEADER BOARD BOASTS A COUPLE OF FORMER WINNERS AND A FEW ROOKIES BUT BUTTERFLIES DON'T DISCRIMINATE. BY THE TIME THIS THING IS OVER I IMAGINE EVENTHE SHARK COULD BE SPITTING UP PLANKTON.

I'm a Nixon baby.
I'm a Nixon baby, baby.
Just a Nixonian reduction on a bed of julienned baby free rangeNixon topped by a tart Bolivian beriberi Nixon wash.
First eight years of my life.
Didn't even know what Nixon meant.
But I didn't like it.
I was warned against four letter words.
And this was a lot like that.
Taking my first breath, he was VP.
In 56, VP again.
In 60, he tried but failed to kill Saint Jack.
In 64, his shadow loomed like a jumbo jet crossing the Mojaveat high noon.

Took Goldwater to make Nixon a moderate.
And in 68, he ran again and won.
In 72 he won again.
Then a couple years later, there was some unpleasantness. Andhe went away.
But not far.
In 76, the guy he hand picked ran and almost won.
In 80, a Hollywood remake of Nixon, won.
In 84, the same.
In 88, the Hollywood remake of Nixon's vice president which means what: a bad Nixon Xerox without any toner, won.
In 92, the bad Nixon Xerox without any toner lost to a Southernclone of Kennedy.
In 96, the Southern clone of Kennedy beat the old tower guardat Nixon's
moat.
And in the year 2000, it'll be another Southern clone of Kennedywithout the charm versus the bad Nixon Xerox without any toner'sson.
I'm a Nixon baby, baby. And so are you.

041299:0345PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE ARE HAVING THE HARDEST TIME CONVINCING THE WEATHER IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPRING ALREADY. OF COURSE IN MINNESOTA THIS COLD SNAP IS PROBABLY KNOWN AS SUMMER.

Hey everybody! Guess what? The US has a missile deficit. Who would have thunk? It seems we, AKA: The Good Guys, have pummeled those pesky Serbs close to submission with too many Cruise missiles and now, we're running out. Of missiles, not Serbian targets,that is. Doesn't that just wrap your undies in a knot bundle the size of Madagascar? Dig that image. Poor Uncle Sam in his stocking feet paddling off to the missile cupboard and coming up empty.And the ironic part is he can't go to the store to buy any more, because... he is the store. Oh sure, he's got 2000 Tomahawks left in the downstairs pantry but only two thirds of those are the most excellent kind with New Improved Crater Helper and he's expected to whip through 300 of them next week taking out bridges and orphanages and such in the name of humanity. Originally designed to carry nuclear payloads, the Tomahawks wowed critics in their premier performance as tactical weapons during Desert Storm and graduated to become the entire offensive line of the Pentagon. Unfortunately, production stopped in 1997 to develop an even hunkier tactical cruise missile with Amazing Cluster Crystals but it won't be ready for four years. However, don't you for a minute think the good old US doesn't have stand by plans. We are seriously considering upgrading 146 dumb bombs with conversion kits costing $350,000apiece, but alas and alack, NEA grants have been slashed and federal scholarships are severely limited, so we might be forced to wage the rest of the non war with ground troops, which as we know,is so barbaric.

040199:0337PST
RENO, NEVADA, WHERE THE ONLY THING LOUDER AND MORE OFFENSIVE THAN THE CASINO CARPETING IS THE EYE SHADOW ON THE FEMALE BLACKJACKDEALERS. ALMOST AS LOUD AS THE CRIES OF THE LOSERS AT THE NICKELSLOTS.

Okay, I know I run the risk of sounding like a yuppie hating banana puke with a heart as black and cold as the Siberian night carrying a forty pound chip on my blue collar shoulder, but I got to say the news from the Natural Resources Defense Council has made me all warm and fuzzy inside. They called bottled water a bigger scam than an Ed McMahon Sweepstakes. More of a ripoff than Steve Forbes spending forty million dollars to be seventh runner up in the New Hampshire primary. I call bottled water an expensive reason to get a fancy bottle to fill with ordinary tap water later.In a four year study, 103 brands were tested and one third contained contaminants exceeding state or federal standards. Estimates are25 to 40 percent of bottled water is just repackaged municipal tap water. "Pure as an alpine spring," as long as you understand that spring might be runoff from a toxic wastedump laced with arsenic. Although the NRDC admitted bottled water poses no significant public health risk and is safe to consume. Well that's certainly good news. So, that means in the last ten years, over $4 billion has been spent on fancy placebos. Tap water with a pretty label and weaker federal regulations. PT Barnumwas right and he's running Crystal Geyser.

040299:0249PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE BEFORE THEY BUILD THEIR NEW STADIUMTHE GIANTS HAVE TO SHIP 20,000 TONS OF LEAD LOADED DIRT TO UTAH AT THE COST OF $55 A TON. TOO BAD THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO SELL THEM AS SOUVENIRS.

The Yugoslavs, our first enemy to embrace rock and roll, are protesting Western media bias against the Serbs and so I'm here to help with a story already writ they can plug into wire service reports. "Those endearingly aggressive Serbs led by their single minded and swarthy leader Slobodan Milosevic, also known as the Boobie of Belgrade, are waging a losing battle with the Kosovar Muslims to repopulate the Western sections of Yugoslavia as the Kosovo cowards continue their treasonous run to Macedonia and Albania,cravenly denying their Serbian brothers goodbye hugs. Accounts from the border further indicate the Kosovars' stubborn insistence on bleeding on the brave benevolent freedom fighter's bayonets and generally causing great distress to patriotic medical squadrons avariciously using up all the bandages and caskets. It is thought the Muslims are attempting to skulk out of the country carryingwith them valuable identification papers that would assist in the overthrow of the true Christian God. They also ungraciousl yrefuse the comfort of the soothing bonfires provided them by loyalist Serbs as they hurry out of Yugoslavian cities carrying looted possessions from their own homes on the backs of grandmother sof dubious provenance. It is hoped that soon the Kosovars will end this bloody conflict by laying down their arms and other limbs and allow swift and merciful Serbian justice to engulf them."

040599:02438PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SISTERS OF PERPETUAL INDULGENCEHAD THEIR BLOCK PARTY AND ABSOLUTELY NOBODY GOT HURT, EXCEPT FORTHE FEELINGS OF A COUPLE HUNDRED THOUSANDS CATHOLICS WHO DESPITECENTURIES OF INTOLERANCE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE BEING MOCKED.

Hey everybody, its Easter! That fabulous holiday when Christ comesout of his cave, sees his shadow and baseball season starts. Orsomething like that. Any which way you figure it though, we'retalking spring. Forget your robins and your cherry blossoms andyour yellow marshmallow bunnies, it's today with the first crackof the bat in Cincinnati's Riverfront Stadium that is the truegong signaling the launch of the Vernal Equinox. Because hopedoes spring eternal and this IS next year when every team is rebornwith a chance to win it all, at least for a while. Some for alonger while than others. And here are the teams for whom I predictthis will be next season.

AMERICAN LEAGUE
EASTERN DIVISION
Yankees. Yankees. Yankees. Shut up. I know. I'm not happy aboutit either.
Deal with it. Toronto wins the wild card.

CENTRAL DIVISION
The only thing the Cleveland Indians lack is a World Series ring,and this might be the year they get some jewelry.

WESTERN DIVISION
Every year a surprise team rises out of the rubbish heap to shakeit up, and this season the Oakland Athletics are going to shakeoff the garbage and do just that.

NATIONAL LEAGUE
EASTERN DIVISION
Braves. Braves. Braves. See Yankees. Mets get wild card.

CENTRAL DIVISION
I really want to say the Milwaukee Brewers because I always believein predicting with your heart rather than your head, but I gotto go with the Cardinals. Aww, screw it, the Brewers.

WESTERN DIVISION
The Dodgers win on paper but if they played on paper, nobody wouldbuy hot dogs. Kevin Brown's contract is worth more than four entirefranchises. So let's go with Dusty's Misfits. Giants.

PLAYOFFS
AL: Indians beat Toronto. Athletics beat Yankees. Indians beatAthletics.
NL: Mets beat Braves. Giants beat Brewers. Giants beat Mets.
World Series: It's 1951 all over again: Giants beat Indians.

040699:0444EDT
THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT, AUGUSTA, GEORGIA, WHERE THE WORLD'S ELITEGOLFERS MEET ONCE A YEAR TO HIT A LITTLE WHITE BALL WITH LONGMETAL STICKS AND THE WINNER GETS A GREEN JACKET AND ABOUT A MILLIONDOLLARS. ENOUGH TO BUY A COUPLE EXTRA GREEN JACKETS FOR FRIENDS.

The fact that this is the arguably the most prestigious golf tournamentin the world means everybody takes practice time a tad more seriouslythan Bill Clinton takes breakfast with Hillary. But I have thefeeling that even when these guys are messing around their gameis as different from the one that I play as thoroughbred horseracing is to snails on a track in racing silks. For instance,here are just a few things that you'll hear in my foursome you'llnever hear on the Pro Tour.

• Aww, what the hell, let these guys play through too.
• Do these pants go with this shirt?
• This is a par 4? You got to be kidding me.
• Which one we shooting at? The red one or the yellow one?
• Look at this consistency. 7... 7... 7. And only one of them was a triple bogey.
• I'm sorry gentlemen, your money's no good here. This round is on me.
• How the hell am I supposed to aim for something I can't even see?
• Might as well hit away. No chance of us reaching those guys.
• Reach into the back and pick me out a cold one.
• I'm just going to whack the crap out of it and see what happens.

032499:0037MST
PHOENIX, ARIZONA, WHERE THE WORLD HAS BEEN NARROWED DOWN TO WHERETHE GOLF IS AND ALL THE OTHER PLACES WHERE YOU CAN LIVE AND STILLDRIVE TO THE GOLF WITHOUT THE AIR CONDITIONING OVERHEATING.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This: Oscar Edition.

* Would someone please please PLEASE get Gwenneth Paltrow a club sandwich. Makes Calista Flockhart look like a bloated cow with an exploded internal helium pack.

* And how come nobody mentioned the presentation of the technical awards was marred by technical problems. Must be an irony free zone.

* Who would have thought that it would take Whoopi Goldberg to make Billy Crystal look like a genius. Beaver jokes? I suppose center square on Hollywood Squares does have its compulsories. Bring back David Letterman.

* Is Goldie Hawn crying? No, that's just her face.

* Even Cuba Gooding Jr had to be thinking: "Roberto: settle down." Question: does Jupiter have a firmament?

* My Dad always complains about movies with subtitles. "For crum's sake, I don't go to the movies to read."

* Who applied Helen Hunt's eyeliner. A raccoon?

* I can't tell you how moved I was by the interpretive dances of movies nominated for best picture. I haven't been this choked up since the 60 Minutes Poetry Slam.

* Quick, call PETA and have them make De Niro remove that poor groundhog from his head.

* Who had less to do at the Oscars? Colin Powell. John Glenn. Geena
Davis.

032599:0248EST
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, WHERE THE DIRT ON THE STREETS HIDES ALL SORTSOF THINGS, SUCH AS: BACTERIA, DISCARDED FAST FOOD CONTAINERS,AND ABANDONED SCHOOL BUSES FULL OF BAND EQUIPMENT FROM UPPER NEWYORK STATE.

Frequently Asked Questions About TheKosovo Bombing.

Q. How do we refer to Slobodan Milosevic?
A. The Serbian Strongman, not a good sign. "Strongman" is US shorthand for
"Guy about to be bombed back to the stone age."

Q. What does NATO call the bombing?
A. Humanitarian Intervention, which makes its sound like a bunch of us are going over to his house to try and convince him to quit hanging out at bars during the day.

Q. What happened to the Peace Talks?
A. You don't hold Peace Talks in Paris for crum's sake. Didn't we learn anything from Vietnam?

Q. Where should they be held?
A. Places people don't want to be. Dayton springs to mind. And Belgrade.

Q. Why are the Serbs opposed to an Albanian ethnic majority?
A. We've asked the Serbs and can't seem to get a straight answer. All we get is something that sounds like "Not In My Back Yard" in Serbian.

Q. What are they trying to do about it?
A. The Serbian thought goes, we have to make Serbs the majority here and there are two ways to do it: one is to make more Serbs and the other is to make less Albanians. Making less Albanians seems to be the more expedient choice.

Q. How do we explain the innocent people killed while we make a statement?
A. Call them collateral damage.

032699:0438EST
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, A TOWN SO NICE THEY NAMED IT TWICE. OR YOUCOULD THINK OF IT AS MORE OF A EPITHET PEOPLE MUMBLE OVER ANDOVER TO THEMSELVES BETWEEN SOLILOQUIES HAVING TO DO WITH CANNIBALIZATION.

Frequently Asked Questions About TheKosovo Bombing.

Q. Which NATO countries' resolve isstarting to weaken and why?
A. Italy and Greece are making whimpering noises about diplomacy,because of their proximity to the fighting. Its suspected they'reworried this may drag on till summer and affect tourist season.

Q. Why were all western journalistsordered out of Yugoslavia?
A. To the mind not conditioned through a lifetime of freedom ofthe press, journalists are considered ravenous out of controlcarrion eating parasites who will shamelessly pervert the truthfor the sake of building readers.

Q. Just like over here, hunh?
A. Pretty much, yeah.

Q. Have any of our leaders ever consideredthis action?
A. In dreams.

Q. The vote in the House of Representativeswas 434 to 1 to support the bombing. Who was the 1 and why?
A. Democrat Barbara Lee of California. She thought we were bombingCostco.

Q. What will it take to stop the attacks?
A. The expansion of Monica Lewinsky's press tour.

Q. So far in a year, we've bombed Sudan,Afghanistan, Iraq and Serbia. What gives?
A. Got to clear out excess inventory to make space for the newspring line.

032999:0544EST
MANHATTAN ISLAND, NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK, WHERE ONLY RICH WHITEPEOPLE CAN AFFORD TO LIVE, AND THEY GET WAITED ON BY IMMIGRANTSFORCED TO LIVE ELSEWHERE. IT'S A TWO CLASS SYSTEM. KIND OF LIKEA CUTE LITTLE MICROCOSM OF AMERICA ITSELF.

I'm here to dispel an ugly rumor, and right a hideous inequity.San Francisco doesn't really hate Oakland. We're just jealous.Why? Because Oakland has the one thing that San Francisco desperatelywants but is destined to never have. That which we desire morethan anything else. A view of San Francisco. Its not fair. Themore beautiful old Baghdad By The Bay makes itself; the more beautifulthe view Oakland receives. Gratis. For nothing. Just there forthe taking. And what does San Francisco get for all our extravagantfussing and gussying up? A view of Oakland. Ick. It's like GeorgeHamilton forced to view the likeness of Don Knotts everytime heshaves. Which is why I would like to propose the Bay Mirror Project.We get federal funding to erect a huge double sided mirror outon Treasure Island, so Oakland gets to see Oakland all the timeand San Francisco gets to bask in the glory of our own reflection.Then New York City could do the same thing with New Jersey. AndParis would encircle itself. As would Los Angeles. Only LA woulduse a two way mirror so everybody else could have the pleasureof seeing them too. We would never do that in San Francisco. Unlessthere was a cover charge. Or is that what the bridge tolls alreadyare?

033099:0348PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE BECAUSE OF A RUSE GONE AWRY THESCHOOL DISTRICT BOUGHT TWO BUILDINGS WHEN IT ONLY NEEDED ONE.ISN'T IT COMFORTING TO KNOW THESE ARE THE PEOPLE TEACHING OURKIDS MATH.

The Catholic Church called for a boycott of San Francisco to protestThe Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence's planned 20th AnniversaryParty which is scheduled to close down two blocks of Castro Streeton Easter Sunday. And yet the 30 member controversial street theaterrefuses to change the date of their party. What is wrong withthese girls? Don't they understand? The Catholic Church can'tmake a mistake. Its infallible. They wouldn't make a big stinkabout this unless they were afraid the campy gay organizationwas a real threat to its trillion dollar real estate empire. Bigtime religion is serious business and some satiric charity groupshould not be allowed to make fun of it. It's Unamerican. Placingan ad in the San Francisco Chronicle, the Catholic League forReligious and Civil Rights urged Catholics to "take theirconvention money to a city that truly practices the virtue oftolerance for everybody." Like Salt Lake City. And who intheir infinite wisdom has proven to be more tolerant to everybodythan Catholics? Just because they advocated the policy of burninggays alive a couple years ago doesn't mean they should be allowedto be the object of mocking and scoffing and taunting. What'sthis country coming to. Next thing you know, there'll be talkabout taxing religions.

031899:0222PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, A TOWN THAT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST WHENSAINT PATRICK WAS BUSY SNAKE HERDING, BUT IF YOU FOLLOWED LOCALPOLITICS YOU MIGHT THINK THIS WAS HIS CORRAL.

Now I don't mean to boost everyone's blood pressure higher thanscalper prices on the new Star Wars movie by overeacting here,but if I were you, I'd find a nice safe steel bunker to hunkerdown behind, because it's awards season and cast statuettes arebeing tossed around like dimes at a county fair. Like resignationslips at the European Union Commission Executive Lounge. Likehair spray at the West Virginia Junior Miss Pageant. We've Oscars,the Comedy Awards, the Country Music Awards; the Emmys are comingup and now I'm weighing in with the most important of all: theWill Durst Thank God They Exist Because I'm A Comic Awards.

* BEST ACTOR: Kenneth Starr as prosecutor Javert in the long running Washington production of Les Miserables.

* PROOF THAT SOME SPECIES DO EAT THEIR YOUNG AWARD: Linda Tripp for saying she thought of Monica as her daughter. By the way, Linda also gets the best supporting actor award for her role in "Tootsie goes to the Pentagon."

* BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Hillary Clinton for her portrayal as a saint.

* THE HAMILTON BURGER BEST IMPERSONATION OF AN ATTORNEY DESTINED TO LOSE AWARD: Group award to Microsoft's lawyers.

* THE I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT AWARD: Bob Dole, Viagra and Erectile Dysfunction.

* BEST SCORE: Whoever bought Amazon.com at 10.

* LAZURUS AWARD: Steve Jobs and Apple Computer.

* UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: A tie. The US Government for announcing that it's worried about the long term effects of Medical Marijuana on the terminally ill. And the University of Kentucky which has banned alcohol on campus sending the message to students, that if you want to drink, get a car.

031999:0222PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS VERY UPSETBECAUSE THE SISTERS OF PERPETUAL INDULGENCE PLAN TO HOST A STREETPARTY ON EASTER SUNDAY. WELL GOSH GUYS, I MEAN WHO WAS HERE FIRST.OH YEAH, GOOD POINT.

Okay, where were we before I was so rudely interrupted by thedrinking many adult beverages in celebration of my forty secondbirthday? Oh yeah, we were talking about how this whole awardhanding out thing is getting ridiculous. So let's keep it goingshall we with part two of Will Durst Thank God They Exist BecauseI'm A Comic Awards.

* ODD TRIPLET AWARD: Ford and Volvo and Jaguar.

* THE WHO KNEW AWARD: The cable companies for raising rates by 21% despite around the Telecommunications Act which of course they helped to write.

* BEST IMPRESSION OF A SLEEPY LIZARD IN SEARCH OF A WARM ROCK: Once again, Sam Donaldson in a sweep.

* THE PIXIE DUST AWARD: To all us baby boomers counting on the Social Security System to take care of us when we get old.

* THE IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS AWARD: The vegetarian workplace snack from Dilbert creator Scott Adams called the Dilberrito.

* BEST CHOREOGRAPHER: For the sixth straight year... Alan Greenspan.

* YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS AWARD: Ross Perot for saying Clinton should resign because he's unstable.
* And finally: THE ORIGINAL GODFATHER OF SOUL AWARD: to Thomas Jefferson, who it should be pointed out never tried to get Sally Hemings a job at Revlon either.

* THE KAHOUTEK AWARD FOR MOST OVERRATED CRISIS: Y2K.

031099:0333PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE ARE HOME TO A LARGE UNDERGROUNDOF PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THE OVERTHROW OF THE US GOVERNMENT. THEYARE KNOWN BY MANY NAMES. ONE IS THE SAN FRANCISCO BOARD OF SUPERVISORS.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This

* In Oakland, a motorist who pointed his finger and said "Bang" after a near accident was arrested by a Secret Service agent for "making a terrorist threat." And how long after we start prosecuting people for using onomatopoeia before we prosecute them for being able to spell it.

* A previously unknown seismic fault was discovered under metropolitan Los Angeles. It's called a blind thrust fault. As opposed to those wacky blind trust faults, which are responsible for the breaking of many room service champagne bottles in expensive hotel suites.

* Newt Gingrich is so busy raising money, he's drawn an angry response from Republican House members who worry his efforts will sap funds from the party's campaign for election 2000. The Democrats are reportedly ready to offer him free banquet rooms and deli trays all across the country.

* After her lawyers take their cut, Paula Jones will end up with $200,000 from the $850,000 settlement she received from Bill Clinton. Not enough to immunize her from all that trailer trash talk but enough to cover the walls of the double wide in orange shag carpeting.

* The Mountain View, California, drug company, Vivus, won a patent for a rub- on cream that will improve orgasms in women. Female Viagra. The spokesman for the company is Dr. Gesundheit, and its a safe bet women all over the world will echo his name and say "God Bless you."

031199:0348PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE MAYOR HAS DECIDED TO BACKOFF A PROPOSAL TO RAISE THE FARES ON THE CITY'S MUNICIPAL TRANSITSYSTEM. NEITHER HOWEVER DOES HE PLAN TO PAY PEOPLE TO RIDE IT,WHICH WAS ANOTHER SUGGESTION.

At one point in the middle of Congressional hearings on somethingcalled the Passengers Bill Of Rights, it slowly became shockinglyapparent they were actually referring to us. Such a turning oftide has not been seen since Charlton Heston and that whole RedSea deal. Admittedly this bill has about as much chance of passingin its entirety as a herd of vivisectioned banana slugs has ofwinning number 1 seed in the NBA Western Division playoffs. Itwould require airlines to tell the truth about such things asplane changes, runway delays and the origin of the meat in theso called chicken breast soaked in brown sauce, which could causea revolt in the ranks. And trust me, when talking about the foodin coach, rank and revolting are your key words here. It's timefor us to weigh in with our own list of demands here.

* The right to a no infant section.

* The right to movie screens larger than a postcard.

* The right to seats for people larger than pygmy supermodels.

* The right to nuts. I want my nuts back. Unlimited nuts. And I'm not talking about my seatmates either.

* The right to strict enforcement of stringent odor constraints. And yes, I am talking about my seatmates here. No shirt, no shoes, no chicken breast soaked in brown sauce.

031299:0416PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE BIOTIC BAKING BRIGADE STRUCKAGAIN HITTING CHEVRON CEO KENNETH DERR IN THE BACK WITH PIES.THEY WERE AIMING FOR HIS FACE BUT I GUESS THEY SLID OFF DUE TOACCUMULATED SLIME.

Fox News is reporting Hillary Rodham Clinton, also known as JaneDoe #6, is boycotting her husband's trip to Central America becauseshe's furious with him and won't sleep in the same hotel room.The First Lady's spokesperson poo poohed the would be scandalsaying the Hillmeister skipped the trip because of a back injuryaggravated by skiing. Skeptics claim the pain she is experiencinghas to do with Bill and affects the part of the anatomy lyingdue south of her back. Of course maybe the whole problem is notthe marriage so much as memories of Central American plumbing.After all she's been there before and certain colonic cognizancesdie hard. There are smells that just don't leave you no matterhow many traffic jams your motorcades cause. The report also goeson to say the big blowup in the Clintons marriage came duringtheir Utah skiing vacation a few weeks ago- a trip from whichthey abruptly returned a day early. East Wing response... sameback injury. Obviously that's their story and they're stickingto it. And yet the next week she was gallivanting around the BigApple showing no signs of physical discomfort. Of course, anotherspin would be the curative powers of New York City, whose odorshold sister city status to the Central American plumbing smellswe spoke of earlier.

031599:0235PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE SAINT PATRICK'S DAY PARADEFEATURED A RAUCOUS DISPLAY OF CAROUSING AND SINGING AND DRINKINGIN THE STREET. IN OTHER WORDS, BUSINESS AS USUAL.

The former spokesmurf, George Stephanopoulos, just released abook about his tragic corruption in the Clinton White House called"All Too Human: A Political Education." He's gettingtons of flack because the deal is, you're supposed to have thesimple common courtesy to wait until the Big Guy leaves officebefore you start stabbing him in the back with stale icepicksof betrayal. He claims to be shocked to find out Bill was a biggerliar than he expected, which considering he was in Presidentialpolitics sounds to me like the guy who cleans elephant cages professingto be confused by the amount of manure he has to work with. "Wadersdon't work." You wonder what it'll take before Chlesea spillsher dirty laundry about the family. Probably more than the $2.75million advance Georgie got to twist his scruples and loyaltyinto bite sized easy to swallow pieces. Of course maybe its hisnew position as an ABC pundit that has put him in the self servingclear to do the same thing Dick Morris did, whom he accused oftreachery. After all, what's that old saying, when you lie downwith ink stained wretches who would sell their mothers to theglue factory, you get up an orphan. Or something like that.

031699:0155PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A "DISNEYLAND FOR DEADHEADS"IS BEING PROPOSED NOW THE WATERFRONT DEVELOPMENT MORATORIUM ISOVER. WONDER WHAT THE VENDORS WILL SELL AT THE NIGHTLY PARADEDOWN MAIN STREET TO BEST VIEW THE DANCING SKELETONS.

Al Gore shoehorned his way onto the very crowded Non CandidateBandwagon as he made his way to Iowa and New Hampshire this weekin a show of strength against his only announced opponent, Bill"the White Ghost" Bradley. Oh sure he's been to thetwo primary primary states so often the local Tibetan monks filedrestraining orders against him, but this is the first time hisexpenses are being paid by his newly formed exploratory committee.And he's exploring various things; such as how much money is available,what kind of cash is lying around and who's hanging onto the bigbucks. But like Liddy Dole and George W. Bush, he's still can'tcommit to running. "America needs decisive leadership!""So does that mean you're going to run?" "We haven'tdecided yet." Yeah, right. And rickshaws handle well on freewayramps. Gore has the added sticky problem of having to explainwhy he claimed in a CNN interview that as a member of Congress"he took the initiative in creating the Internet," eventhough the Internet dates back to 1969, eight years before PrinceAl was first elected to Congress. There's probably a simple answer;he was just really really prescient. After all, with that cuteas a bug grin he's already really really precious.

030599:0245HST
HUALALAI, HAWAII, HAWAII, WHERE THE CONVENTION OF THE INTERNATIONALBARRISTERS SOCIETY HAS THE POOL CLOGGED WITH TYPE A PERSONALITIESTRYING TO RELAX. LOT OF WATERPROOF CELLULAR PHONE COVERS.

Monica talks! Monica apologizes! Monica giggles! Monica cries!All the way to the bank. Beginning her blitz through promotionland that will make the Nazi push into Poland look like a leisurelystroll through a petting zoo, Ms. Lewinsky went on ABC for twohours and let Barbara Walters do whatever it is that Barbara Waltersdoes. Apparently it has something to do with getting folks confusedby questions they've heard a thousand times before. Guess they'renot used to hearing them in a voice that could be patented byindustrial restaurant supply stores as a cheap way to bulk gratecarrots. Coincidentally, the most hated woman in America and noI don't mean the creepy lady in the Old Navy commercials, theone who isn't Morgan Fairchild; no I'm talking about the unofficialmascot of the University of Alaska- Nome Walruses, Linda Tripp,got a new job yesterday as a public affairs specialist. Did youget that? Public affairs specialist! Linda Tripp. You can't makestuff up like this. She won't talk to reporters in her job butwill advise other staff members on what to say to the media. "Okay,now, when they question you about the budget just look them inthe eye and tell them they're fat. It'll work. Trust me."

030999:0328HST
KAILUA- KONA, HAWAII, HAWAII, WHERE THEY CELEBRATED MARDI GRASTHIS WEEKEND. HEY, IT'S KONA TIME. IF YOU GO THIS SUMMER, TRYTO BRING SOME JELLY BEANS FOR THAT WHOLE EASTER IN JULY DEAL.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Governor would like to thank everyonefor their strong indication of either boredom or support in showingup here today. He is thankful for both. I know you're anticipatingan announcement and I'm happy to say your expectation may or maynot be realized. The Governor is definitely considering actuallymaking a decision about becoming a candidate soon. I am proudto proclaim he has authorized me to set up an ad hoc panel toinvestigate the possibility of forming an interim exploratorycommittee that will plumb the depths of the American psyche witha string on a nail to see if a fleeting groundswell can be reachedby his provisional political advisors who have advised him notto answer the many articulate and eloquent questions you haveon the various pressing matters of the day, and neither to verbalizeany firm positions on practically anything he would be accountablefor until he formally and inevitably declares his candidacy sometimemuch later in the near future. It is not fair to the Americanpeople for him to jeopardize his front runner status by prematurelyopening himself to sticky campaign killers like issues. And heand I and his exploratory committee and his political advisorsand his pollsters and everyone else in the party thank you andhope this clarifies everything."

0225-ST
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, WHERE THE TERM BARBECUE CAN MEAN A HUNDREDDIFFERENT THINGS BUT WHEN YOU SAY MUSIC IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE OFTWO THINGS: COUNTRY OR WESTERN.

For a while there, the new green eyed cow the states and municipalitieswere milking was gambling, but the golden goose had some prettyugly friends and they weren't all ducklings, so many an officialhead has turned to the new pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,which is suing the pants off of industries for the hidden costsof using their products. Smoking is bad for you. Who knew. Whatnext? Burning tires make lousy dinner centerpieces? Since thetobacco thing worked out better than free beer at a frat party,we have ourselves a bad case of sue creep, as people are jumpingon the bandwagon as fast as a lottery winner attracts new friends.The next game plan is to sue gun manufacturers for the icky messesmade on city streets eventually clogging up emergency rooms. Ofcourse then Children of Adult Alcoholic Parents Who Fell in Loveat Last Call will file a class action suit against brewers anddistillers so the whole Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearmsdance card is filled out. There has to be other industries justripe for the pickings, and I'm just the guy to help.

• Major television studios take the Internet to court for seducing its audience through the magic of words.
• Religious leaders could sue the Bioengineering Community for getting rid of their most effective weapon; fear.
• The American Dental Association should consider a suit against the makers of sugar substitutes.
• PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals might have a case holding Emeril Lagasse responsible for making his rabbit etoufee so darn scrumdililyumdililyumptious that visitors to his New Orleans restaurant just can't help themselves.
• And of course the People for the Ethical Treatment of Insects have a steel trap case against the makers of windshields.

022699:0145PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE THREE GUYS WHO THREW PIESIN MAYOR BROWN'S FACE WERE SENTENCED TO SIX MONTHS IN JAIL. I'MNOT SURE WHAT THE SPECIFIC CHARGE WAS: BATTERY BY BAKERY, PERHAPS.

Our elected officials have discovered the joys of milking thecash cow of suing people responsible for our vices. The beautyof it, is in the choice of plaintiffs. Which is to say the eggsucking dogs of corporato land. Polls revealed the tobacco gambitto be more popular than free Swedish meat balls at a dog showand the latest plan is to sue gun manufacturers because of thegeneral feeling that kids bleeding to death on sidewalks is notthe perfect cover for a tourism brochure. And you can bet thelawyers won't stop there. A class action suit against the makersof beer and booze is as inevitable as runny cheese in France.But don't stop there. Sue the fast food companies. It's not ourfault we're overweight. It's theirs. How can we not eat the ofcharred decaying flesh of other major mammals when they make itlook so appetizing. Mmm- mmm- mmm. Doesn't that greasy meat slabcovered in congealed cow juice look tasty. You know what it needs:bacon. Take on the television networks for creating an Americathat has become dumber than a bucket of hair. Where cross referencingthe newspaper's TV listings with the onscreen program guide isconsidered intellectually challenging. It is rumored some peopleare unable to complete the TV Guide crossword puzzle.
And maybe a suit is called for against advertisers for makingus buy useless crap we don't need with money we don't have. Wecould even build a case against the oil industry for purposelydestroying the ozone with fossil fuel pollutants. Ice the caseby presenting into evidence their fiendish ties to the giant sunblockcartel. And finally isn't it about time we took off the kid glovesand put a stop to the dealers of America's number one addictivesubstance. The one that destroys households by the millions demonicallytargeting our children. Of course I'm talking about... sugar.

030199:0023HST
KONA, HAWAII, WHERE THE TOURISTS OUTNUMBER THE LOCALS BY THREETO ONE, ALTHOUGH ITS HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE. EXCEPT THE LOCALSARE SMART ENOUGH TO REFUSE TO PAY $4.50 FOR WEIRD PINK DRINKSWITH UMBRELLAS STICKING OUT OF THEM.

My parents are coming out to visit next month, and they're goingto stay with me. Yeah I know, it's a dream come true. It's beenyears since we all lived in the same house. And sure they're setin their ways, but they're just going to have to abide by a fewsimple changes of routine when they stay with me.
"For one thing, mister, nobody goes to bed before three inthe morning. Dad, Dad, wake up old man. This is the shank of theday. Look, here's the scene where Gilligan refuses to get nakedwith Ginger, again." "Separate bedrooms for both ofyou. Hey, I don't care what you do when you're on your own, butwhen you live in my house, you live by my rules." "Iwant to see hair in that sink. A lot of it. If I walk in and thereisn't a regular bush clogging the drain, there will be hell topay." "Try and sit as close to the tv as possible, andremember there are no meals. Just lots of snacks. Except for breakfast.Beer for breakfast. Finish that Anchor Steam young lady. Thereare investment bankers in Bakersfield who will kill for a decentbrew at this hour."

030299:0654HST
HUALALAI, HAWAII, HAWAII, HOME TO THE 4 SEASONS RESORT. REALLYRITZY AND A LITTLE SCARY. I THINK WE ARE THE PEOPLE THEY COMETO THIS PLACE TO GET AWAY FROM.

California is a big state. You knew that. But hey, sometimes yougot to reinforce the obvious. This is the same reason the NationalPark Service issues brochures with bold print warning touriststhat teasing Grizzly bears with pointy sticks might be hazardousto one's limb collection. My point here being, when the CaliforniaRepublican Party held it's convention in Sacramento, and nominatedan anti abortion Chairman; well, that's okay. Big old state asI mentioned. The GOP can handle that. Probably won't cost themmore than a couple of State Senate seats in Democratically redrawndistricts. But for the National ticket, enh. Everybody who wantsto be President showed up to schmooze except the two front runners,the Bush- Dole ticket. And doesn't that sound wonderfully likeold times. One of the dark horses, Senator John McCain said hewould not stoop to negative campaigning against fellow Republicans,like other folks did in the last primary. And Malcolm Steve Forbes,generally considered to be the "other folks" referredto, responded that his blitzkrieg attack ads against the broadside of Bob Dole in 96 weren't personal, they were about the issues.And when you understand the only issue important to any politicianis who is leading the polls, you have to admit, he's right.

021799:0021PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CHINESE COMMUNITY IS CELEBRATINGNEW YEARS. IT'S 4697, THE YEAR OF THE RABBIT.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.

• The good news about Liddy Dole running for the Republican nomination for President is that it will finally force the GOP to make a decision on drafting a platform supporting a woman's right to vote. The bad news is nobody knows how she feels about it yet.
• Mayor Jerry Brown is awfully lucky Oakland doesn't have strict residency requirements. In most municipalities you're required to have lived within our own solar system for three continuous years.
• Disneyland announced plans to raise admission and increase security. Apparently, a number of families have been caught trying to sneak out with room still left on their credit card limit.
• A chain of Baywatch restaurants is scheduled to open. Which would you prefer here; a huge chicken breast joke or a breast platter with a side of implants joke?
• Wasn't the Post Office considerate visibly posting signs on President's Day informing the public they were closed for business? I guess even they realize how hard it is to tell. Did anybody else notice the stamp price increase happened the exact same time the cost of high capacity clips went up?
• Thank God the Senate suspended rules requiring a two thirds majority vote to wake Strom Thurmond. Must have been in appreciation for the invaluable historical research he provided by handing over detailed notes from the Johnson impeachment.

021899:0036PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE OUR HOUSING CHIEF HAS BEEN ACCUSEDOF OWING CLEVELAND'S PUBLIC HOUSING AGENCY $200,000. I BET HISMOST GLOWING REFERENCES WERE FROM FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This.

• Doctors in Louisville, performed the first hand transplant but it won't be considered a real success until the patient picks up the bill.
• Is it just me, or was Teddy Kennedy strangely silent during the whole Clinton thing? And he was the perfect guy to offer up expert testimony.
• Q. What do you call Al Gore leaning on a podium?
  A. A wood pile.
• The good news is Whoopi Goldberg is going to host the Oscars. The better news is production on "Hollywood Squares" will shut down for at least a week.
• The city of Los Angeles has limited gun purchases to one a month. I wonder if you can get a waiver if you can produce a note from your principal.
• During the Impeachment proceedings, Congress kept saying they were voting their conscience. Yeah, right, Congress voting their conscience is a lot like a turtle flexing its wings.
• Disney recalled video cassettes of "The Rescuers" because it contained two frames showing naked breasts. It will be repackaged and re released at a higher price.
• In Washington DC, a mayoral assistant used the word "niggardly" in front of people who didn't know what it meant, were offended, and forced him to resign. If this internal word pejorative- seeking becomes vogue, we'll never be able to say the word "country" again.

021999:0032PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE WE'VE ALREADY HAD THREE OR FOURSTORMS OF THE CENTURY SINCE I MOVED HERE IN 1979. JUST LUCKY IGUESS THAT THIS CENTURY IS COMING TO A MERCIFUL END.

"So, we're just going to let him get away with it, is that what you're telling me?"
"No, of course not. We got plans. For one, Starr-boy is planning on nailing his lip biting face to a civil suit."
"When."
"Well, optimally, we'd love to put him on the defensive during the 2000 election."
"You crazy? Why don't you just ram red hot pokers up Guiliani's butt. Haven't you noticed? Everytime we hit Bill, Hillary manifests martyr marks on her brow and her poll numbers eclipse Mother Teresa's. Besides, you are aware he can't run in the year 2000."
"We're hoping it'll rub off on Prince Albert and affect his fund raising."
"You got to be kidding me. Gore's already milked every Buddhist Temple in the Northern Hemisphere dry. What else?"
"Well, we can circulate a report he's responsible for Michael Jordan retiring..."
"Unh hunh."
"Okay, how bout this... he's leading a secret life, and is really Osama Bin Laden."
"Hmm."
"Dabney Coleman?"
"Proof?"
"Well, have you ever seen the two together?"
"I don't know..."
"I got it. He actually had an affair with Linda Tripp."
"I like it. Leak it to Lucianne Goldberg. She'll give it to Drudge."
"But aren't she and Tripp supposed to be friends?"
"Don't worry. Linda would understand."

022299:0345EST
FORT LAUDERDALE, FLORIDA, WHERE ALL THE MEN LOOK LIKE LEE STRASBERGIN "GODFATHER II", AND ALL THE WOMEN LOOK LIKE SHELLYWINTERS POST "POSEIDON ADVENTURE."

I can't imagine how we missed hearing both the gun and the guywho screams, "Gentlemen, start your engines", but itmust have been while we were hypnotically entranced by Chief JusticeRehnquist's sleeves. Nevertheless, its started and the perfecttime to move to New Zealand until November, 2000. They're runningfor President already by sucking up to the state of New Hampshirelike midwestern beauty queens at a Dreamworks Christmas party.Senator Robert Smith of New Hampshire is the latest to set histiara on the bedroom side table. He's raising campaign funds byselling $20 shares so voters can invest in America. Or at leastBob Smith's vision of America. He hopes to collect $20 million,or 1 million shares, which might explain why he wanted to geta jump on things. Smith said one of his first priorities as presidentwould be to push Congress to define life as beginning at conception.Good idea Bob, and one totally in tune with the nation, but whystop there? Why not make it at intention. That means anytime youcan go up to anyone in a bar and say, "Okay, let's get iton." If they refuse, you can bust them. "All right,up against the wall. Procreation squad. I'm charging you withvoluntary egg slaughter." Or "Spermicidal homicide.""You have the right to maintace. And anything you move maybe held against me."

022399:0738EST
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE, ALSO KNOWN AS MUSIC CITY. BUT YOU HAVE TOUNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE WHO CALL IT THAT ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHOTHINK OF BRANSON, MISSOURI AS A VACATION GETAWAY.

Oh Lawdy Lawdy Lawdy, like we don't have enough in the world toworry about, the USA Today today; all right, last week, or whatever,(I just like saying USA Today today), anyhow, they declared a"What Do We Call The Next Decade?" emergency. "Brnngh!Brnngh! Brnngh! People, we're going to Def- Con 4. Move it. Moveit. Move it. Gunderman!" Of course, you might want to takethis crisis with a grain of salt the size of Rudy Giuliani's ego,since USA Today is to journalism what a double bacon cheeseburgeris to nutrition. Popular, but a steady diet often proves fattening.The Lambada: dance of the Millennium, my ass. The usual suspectshave been nominated, but no clear winner has emerged. The Zeroes.The Zips. The Nadas. The Pre Teens. The Pre Tens. The Oh- Ohs.The Double Ohs. And my favorite: Fred. The author maintains noone knows what the 1900- 1909 decade was called either, then quotesRonald Grele of the Oral History Research Office at Columbia University.(and don't we poor twitching scribes paid by the word love thosetitles) He said WWI "became such a turning point in Americanlife, the teens and aughts faded into 'before the war.'"Ding Ding Ding Ding. No more calls, we have a wiener. People,it's the aughts. And since we are so hip and so tragically choke-on- our- radichhio- pesto au courant, it is incumbent upon usto put our own little post neo- modernist calliope spin on it.The Otz. There you go. Crisis averted. Go back to your lambadalessons.

021099:05631PST
PACIFICA, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE LINDA MAR SHOPPING CENTER WASUNDERWATER BECAUSE OF THE MASSIVE RAINS LAST NIGHT. THE GOOD NEWSIS YOU CAN BELIEVE THE DENNYS ON HIGHWAY ONE WHEN THEY ADVERTISEFRESH FISH.

So let me get this straight. Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschlesaid he wanted to keep final deliberations of the ImpeachmentTrial open, because of the American public's right to know what'sgoing on, and its too important to be conducted in secrecy. Youknow: sunshine laws. The bright white light of the truth shallset us free. Yeah, right, and uranium tailings make an excellentdesert topping. We all know Democrats would rather be blamed forgutting Social security than lose the chance to burn the imageof the Republicans obsessive purge onto the retinas of the votersuntil they rise as one and demand Kenneth Starr's head on a pike.On the other side, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott said he wantedto keep the deliberations secret because of his desire to keepthe proceedings from becoming a circus and an effort to move thiswhole thing right along. You know, tradition. Old Time Politics.Salmon P. Chase. Yeah, sure, and the Roman Catholic Church issurreptitiously funneling money to Planned Parenthood. We allknow Republicans would rather draft Bob Dole as their next Presidentialnominee than let the President's party kiss up to voters withverbal wrist slapping of his behavior while attacking the zealousnessof his accusers. In other words, just like in third grade, theSenate believes "you can't have your cake and eating it too."These guys talk such a load of crap, I'm surprised everytime Iturn on the tv and brown stuff ain't leaking out of their ears.

021299:0037PST
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TOWN DOESN'T CLOSE UP AT NINEPM LIKE EVERYBODY WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE. ITS MORE LIKE EIGHT.

If it ain't over till the fat lady goes back into the dressingroom and changes back into street clothes, she's hanging up herhorn helmet right now. The Most Deliberative Body In The Worldlooks like it won't even get a simple majority much less the twothirds necessary to convict the Big Creep, with even Arlen Spector,R-Penn., saying he won't go on the record with a "guilty"or "not guilty," but rather a "not proven,"which he avers is an old Scottish alternative verdict. So insteadof voting "aye," Spector is going to go with "me."Me, I'm hoping this will encourage other Senators to deviate fromthe boring rut of "yes" and "no." Other possibilitiesinclude...

Ooghar: the ancient Goth verdict of wedging the accused's head into a rotting fir tree until Spring.

Gwisanicz: a Sumerian tradition that involved the indicted one proving his remorse by performing the alleged transgression on every member of the tribe in public.

Paraang: to clear one's karmic sins, this Hindu cleanser required the transgressor to drink two quarts of Ganges River water after the annual cow bathing ceremony.

And finally, someone could cite the Muslim verdict of cutting off a hand for stealing. It's possible spin here would appropriately enough involve a cigar cutter.

021599:0324PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE A FITNESS CENTER PUT UP A BILLBOARDSAYING WHEN ALIENS COME, THEY'LL EAT THE FAT ONES FIRST. AND FATPEOPLE ORGANIZED A SLOW PROTEST. SPOKESMEN FOR THE ALIENS WEREUNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT ALTHOUGH EVERYBODY KNOWS FAT PEOPLE HAVEMORE BUTT FOR THE ANAL PROBES.

So the deal is, we may be feverishly wiping poisonous sweat offour collective brow due to our long national wet dream finallybeing over, but you got to remember we barnacles on the ship ofstate known as "the media" are going to miss the impeachmentprocess like pilot whales in a water park without plankton. Solet's talk about the winners and losers of this whole tawdry thingand then we'll put it aside and not talk about it for most ofthe rest of the millenium. Yeah, right and the Bering Sea needsa surfing report.

• Winner: Bill Clinton. The man is smoother than tapioca pudding after three hours in a NASA centrifuge.
• Loser: Ken Starr. What was that Ken? 11 impeachable offenses? The human equivalent of a ferret with metal shavings in his paw.
• Winner: Hillary Clinton: Heir apparent to Moynihan's Senate seat in New York? Or just another White House refugee willing to do anything to get out?
• Loser: Linda Tripps kids. Linda said she wants people to do to her kids what she did to Ms. Lewinsky, and she thought of herself as Monica's surrogate mom. Which species? One of those that eats their young apparently.
• Winner: Matt Drudge. Big scoop jump started case from day one. Got Fox News show.
• Loser: Matt Drudge. 13 months later, one hit wonder still looking for next scoop. Can't seem to book any other guest other than Lucianne Goldberg.
• Winner: The American people. The system works.
• Loser: The American people. But looks who's running it.
• Winner: Larry Flynt. Too legit to quit.
• Loser: Senator Tim Hutchinson, R-Ark. Hey Tim, who's that coming up behind you on the right? Why, that's your little brother Asa.
• Winner: Teletubbbies.
• Loser: Jerry Falwell.

0020499:0249CST
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE THE ONLY TIME YOU DON'T KEEP BEERIN THE HOUSE IS RIGHT ABOUT NOW IN THE DEAD OF WINTER WHEN IT'SA LOT EASIER TO KEEP IT OUTSIDE.

NBC is shamelessly pandering to us boomers' self importance thisweekend with a miniseries called "The 60's." Of course,I grew up in Milwaukee, where we didn't get the 60's until about1974. The kids obviously don't understand why we old fart babyboomers keep droning on and on about how it was all so much betterwhen we carried the anti authority banners, because we reallyknew how to "stick it to the man", man. "We changedthe world, nipple- ring- boy, and don't you forget it." Andwe did. Oh not for the better necessarily. But change it we did.Here's a tidbit the peacock network will probably skip over butthe most important change we effected curiously had to do withus. See back then, the drinking age was twenty one and we screamedand screamed kids should not be forced to go off to war and diefor a country that wouldn't allow them to drink. So the governmentwhined but finally caved in. And we drank. And drank and drank.Then we all grew up and they decided to raise the drinking ageand we didn't say a word. And neither did anybody else. And that'swhy we're better than you. Because our desire to drink was strongerthan yours. So take your herbal health teas and your ginko bilobashakes and give us a break, okay? Our livers hurt.

020599:0357PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE COLDEST TEMPERATURE EVERWAS 27 DEGREES, AND PEOPLE STILL COMPLAIN. OF COURSE THESE AREPEOPLE WHO HAVE NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS WHEN THEIR LATTE HAS TOO MUCHFOAM.

What burns my toast about the Trial of the Century is it's a perfectchance for our government to finally recoup some cash off thislifetime investigation of Clinton and we're doing nothing. Nothing.That so called budget surplus isn't going to last forever youknow. Monica Lewinsky's suite at the Mayflower Hotel is $5,000a night alone. Guess who's paying for that? You are. Well, okay,we. Where's the merchandising? Where's the product placements?Has anybody even bothered to do a copyright search on the phrase"Trial of the Century?" I can't believe they actuallyargued about releasing the taped depositions when we should behawking them on late night commercials as a boxed set. Think KenBurns' "Civil War" without the Civil. I'm talking TrialOf The Century t- shirts, sweat shirts, oyster shucking knives,sno- globes of the Capitol with 100 tiny senators as the snow."No two are alike." How about a limited edition versionof The Starr Report illustrated by Rodrigue, the guy who doesthose blue dogs? Not just a teaching tool, but a way to bringhistory home. Why isn't every little girl in America whining fora blue dress Barbie? Where are the little tiny gavels signed byChief Justice Rehnquist stuffed in specially marked packages ofHoney Nut Cheerios? I think Rehnquist would go for it. After all,he did show up with those four gold stripes on the arms of hisrobes. In his quiet distinguished way, he's telling us to go forit. I won't be satisfied until House Manager Henry Hyde givesthe closing argument for the Trial of the Century wearing a Nikesweatsuit, a pair of Reeboks, and an officially licensed YodaPatch on his shoulder plugging Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace.Patches, that's the way to go. Think NASCAR.

020899:0037CST
HEALDSBURG, CALIFORNIA, WHERE IT'S RAINING AGAIN AND THE FLOODWARNINGS ARE COMING FAST AND FURIOUS. WHAT WE REALLY NEED IS THATBARF DUST THE SCHOOL JANITORS USED TO SPREAD. ABOUT 20,000 CONTAINERCARS FULL.

For those of you not keeping up.

IMPEACHMENT TIMELINE PART ONE.

• June 1996: Monica Lewinsky buys first pair of thong underwear and goes to work at White House.
• April 1997: Lewinsky begins working at the Pentagon, meets Linda Tripp, and on first day, in a move she lives to regret, makes fat joke at Tripp's expense.
• December 28,1997: Last time Lewinsky met with the president at the White House. Independent counsel Kenneth Starr intimates Lewinsky made approximately 8,444 visits to the White House, most of them naked.
• Jan 7, 1998: Lewinsky denies sexual relationship with Clinton in an affidavit for the Paula Jones sexual harassment case. She does raise a few eyebrows casually referring to herself as a human humidor.
• Jan 12: Tripp turns over to prosecutors 20 hours of surreptitiously taped telephone conversations with Lewinsky. The 20 hours of her audition tapes for phone sex line are understandably never released.
• Jan 16: Court panel gives Starr authority to investigate Lewinsky matters and threaten her with a permanent role on UPN Network sitcom if she refuses to co-operate.
• Jan 17: Clinton testifies in Jones lawsuit denying a sexual relationship with Lewinsky, although he does admit to a certain fondness for old Charlie's Angels episodes, especially the first couple of years with Kate Jackson.
• Jan 26: During a White House news conference Clinton says he never had sexual relations with "that woman." Later he claims to have been pointing at Helen Thomas and Andrea Mitchell but not Dee Dee Myers.

0020999:0909PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THEY SAY ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG,WHICH MAY BE S TRUE, BUT THE BAD ALSO DIE YOUNG AS DO THE MIDDLEAGED AND THE ANCIENT.

For those of you not paying attention. I keep track so you don'thave to.

IMPEACHMENT TIMELINE PART TWO.

• January 27: Kenneth Starr celebrates the opening of his grand jury investigation by drinking a second cup of coffee on his driveway.
• April 1: Jones' sexual harassment suit is dismissed and many second cups of coffee are drunk in the White House.
• Aug 6: After being granted immunity, Lewinsky testifies to the Starr grand jury. That night, she eats herself to sleep. She repeats this behavior 23 times.
• August 17: Clinton undergoes more than four hours of videotaped questioning before a federal grand jury`fesses in a nationally broadcast speech that although he did have an affair with Lewinsky, he never impaled.
• September 9: Starr delivers report to House of Representatives, saying there exists "substantial and credible information that may constitute grounds for impeachment." And if that isn't enough, he also has insubstantial and incredible information. The House opts for the latter.
• October 8: House votes to hold an impeachment inquiry. Rules are set. If he doesn't float he's a witch.
• November 3: Election Day. Democrats pick up five seats in House. In essence, America tells pro impeachment forces to "SHUT THE HELL UP." Unfortunately, the hearing aids are turned off.
• November 27: Answering questions from Chairman Henry Hyde, R-Ill., Clinton writes the Judiciary Committee that his testimony in the Lewinsky affair was "not false and misleading." Later he reveals what he meant was his testimony may have been false or misleading but not both.
• December 11 & 12: Committee approves impeachment articles I, II, III, and IV, accusing the President of perjury in the Jones deposition, his response to Congressional questioning and his grand jury testimony and obstruction of justice in the Jones case, and of being way too popular in the face of normal human reasoning.
• December 19: Clinton impeached by House on articles I and III, perjury and obstruction of justice. The charges he ritually sacrificed cute little kittens is dropped.
• December 10: The day after Clinton's impeachment, polls show his approval rating continues to rise. Republicans slap themselves limp in lump frenzy of frustration.
• January 7, 1999: Impeachment trial begins in Senate. C-SPAN posts it's first TV-14 rating.
  

012899:0432PST
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE GOVERNOR DAVIS SHOWED UP AT HISRECEPTION HOSTED BY YOURS TRULY ALMOST AN HOUR LATE. FUNNY, BEFORENOVEMBER THIRD, HE WAS ALWAYS ON TIME FOR THESE GIGS. USED TOHAND OUT THE NAME TAGS.

"The man is a menace. He should be impeached."
"He was just inaugurated last week. It's only polite to give the guy a month."
"Okay. Don't go away."
Later
"There! There! Did you see that? He collected FBI files on the opposition."
"Yeah, don't they all do that? What's your point?"
"Well, it's illegal!"
"Are you sure?"
"Let me get back to you on that."
Later
"The son of a bitch fired the whole travel office. The whole damn travel office."
"No. Not the whole damn travel office?"
"Well. Most of them. We think. Either him or Hillary."
"Isn't the first couple able to fire their staff when they want?"
"Alright, you wait. We'll nail him yet."
"I'm sure you will."
Later
"Check this out. As governor, he got inside information from a Savings and Loan developer and bought real estate."
"In Arkansas."
"On purpose."
"And he lost money."
"You're hopeless."
"I guess I am."
"Alright Mr. Smarty. She made money."
"Hunh?"
"I'm telling you she made money. On cattle futures."
"Who knew?"
"Who knew what?"
"That cattle had futures."
"It's true. We got the records. She made a hundred grand on a one thousand dollar investment."
"Well, in that case, we should put her in charge of Social Security."
Later
"Vince Foster."
"Get out of here right now. Security!"
Later
"The man doesn't think oral sex is adultery."
"Cool."
"And he lied."
"Wow, a President lied. What's that make, 42 in a row? The streak is unbroken."
"He lied under oath."
"He lied about cheating on his wife. You have to lie. It's one of the rules. Here, I'll show you the manual."
"Look at this tape of him. He goes totally crazy."
"Wow. Yeah. The man's obviously nutso."
"Well, you had to be there. Here, read this. Who's smug now?"
"Well, for no apparent reason, you seem to be."
"Wait, wait, we're going to call witnesses. Now you'll see."
"Is this the real time? I'm really going to have to be going."

012999:O422PST
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE CITY COUNCIL VOTED DOWN A MEASURETHAT WOULD HAVE BANNED SPANKING INSIDE THE CITY LIMITS. I'M SURETHE LARGE S&M COMMUNITY IS EXCITED.

According to the impeachment rules set down by the Constitution,which admittedly seem more flexible than Brad Pitt's accent in"7 Years in Tibet", the Senate can impose any punishmenton the President "not to exceed removal from office."Which means they can't shoot him. Or burn him at the stake. Ormake him wear a belt made entirely of large ill tempered mutantpiranha. But don't mistake that for meaning there aren't morethan a few who'd like to try. Including a couple dozen or so fromhis own party whose offices are receiving refrigerated shipmentsfrom the Amazon as we speak. So the options open to them are limited.They can vote to find him guilty and kick his pasty white buttout. They can vote to find him guilty and refuse to out him. Oroust him. He already seems fairly outed. They can vote to findhim guilty and then make his life miserable. Although, findinga way to make his life more miserable than it already is on thesecond floor of the White House right now is going to be moredifficult than playing checkers with colored discs made of jelliednitroglycerine. "King Me!" The only thing the Senatecan't do is find him innocent.

020199:0003CST
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, WHERE WE HAVE BEER, CHEESE AND SAUSAGE.WE ALSO HAVE BEER CHEESE, SAUSAGE CHEESE, BEER SAUSAGE, CHEESESAUSAGE, AND CHEESE BEER. THE ONLY THING WE DON'T HAVE YET, ISSAUSAGE BEER BECAUSE ITS TOO CHUNKY FOR THE TAPS, BUT WE'RE WORKINGON IT.

Am I the only who thinks it odd that nobody said anything to ChiefJustice Rehnquist when he showed up with the four gold stripeson the arms of his robes? The story goes, he attended a localperformance of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Iolanthe" andsaw a magistrate in the play with the fancy detailing and copiedit. What would have happened if he had come across Carmen Mirandain "Down Argentine Way" on AMC and shown up with a headfull of fruit? Would people still have held their tongues? Howbout if he had seen "Zorro" on an inflight movie? Can'tyou imagine him wearing one of those thin eye masks, ripping agiant "R" in the suits of the House managers with abrisk flick of his foil after the putting forth of another speciousargument? Think of him naked from the waist up with a headbandafter a sneaking out to a particularly sweaty performance of "Lordof the Dance?" What if he had been influenced by a performanceof "Cats?" Or Kiss? Or that scene in "SomethingAbout Mary" involving hair products? Maybe we're all luckyhe keeps his spectating on a semi classical basis.

020299:0432CST
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, THE ONE TOWN IN THE WORLD WHERE YOU WANTTO BE WHEN YOU FEEL BLOATED. BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE THEY WOULDHAVE SAID TO CHRIS FARLEY, "YOU LOOK LIKE A RAIL. EAT SOMETHING."

"Ms. Lewinsky. Thank you for coming. We are aware of the hardship involved with this being the twenty third time you've been deposed."
"I've been what?"
"You've testified."
"Oh. Right."
"Perhaps you can tell us something we've never heard before."
"Well, I found a new recipe for pork chops stuffed with gorgonzola cheese and bacon, covered in bernaise sauce."
"Apparently. But what we're really looking for is something that you haven't told us about your relationship with the President."
"Something worth putting me up at the Presidential Suite of the Mayflower again, hunh?"
"Yes, with full room service privileges, I might add."
"Good point. Well, okay. Did I ever tell you about the time the Big Creep forced me to put ketchup on my scrambled eggs? Gawd, it was the most awful thing I've ever seen. I mean, go to hideous and take a right. It wasn't like mayonnaise on French Fries, that's actually good. You know what I think it is... the color. The red of the ketchup, and the yellow of the eggs. Food should not be orange, if you know what I mean."
"Ms. Lewinsky, I'm sure we're all fascinated with your culinary reflections, but did he ever ask you to do something unseemly."
"Yes. That's what I'm trying to tell you. All the time. He was always trying to get me to eat more greens through example. Brussel sprouts. You know some people shouldn't be eating gaseous foods if they can't handle them, if you know what I mean. And asparagus spears, I'm sorry they make my pee smell funny. Not a problem with everybody, but then I'm just not..."
"Thank you Ms. Lewinsky. Your witness Mr. Ruff."
"Ms. Lewsinsky, do you have that recipe for pork chops handy?"

012099:0120EST
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THE PRESIDENT DELIVERED HIS STATE OF THEUNION SPEECH UNDERWATER IN A SHARK TANK, BUT NEVER ONCE SPOKEOF FISH.

So the State of the Union is exactly what we thought. Good, butit could be better. Full of hope and promise but in need of aconcerted effort to overcome badness. Apparently we're a countrywhere evil is not welcome! Sure, we have plenty of righteous peoplebut unless we maintain a constant vigil, wicked elements willovertake our agenda of goodness. And then old people will die.And that is wrong. Some things we must stand for are happy families,secure jobs, a strong defense and good health. Conditions we cando without, thank you very much, are crime, disease and grumpyHouse members with the cheery optimism of the grey green slimethat grows on sunken cave ceilings. Live and let live is our motto.The economy may the best its been in thirty years, but that doesn'tmean it's good. Or as good as it can get. What it needs to beis better, and then better yet, and then even better still. Untilits the best. But can we relax then? No. Not in America. Becausethat's when we have to roll up our sleeves and really go to work.Not for ourselves, but for our children's grandchildren's nieces'and nephews' stepkids. The ones who will learn to use gills tobreathe because the air has been screwed up for two generations.And that's another thing that's bad.

012299:0342EST
WASHINGTON, D.C., A TOWN THAT JOHN F. KENNEDY SAID COMBINED THEHOSPITALITY OF THE NORTH WITH THE EFFICIENCY OF THE SOUTH. HEFORGOT TO MENTION THE ACCOUNTABILITY OF TURKEY VULTURES.

So, in the midst of Clinton's midterm crisis, the best thing thatcould happen to the President at the end of opening statementsin his impeachment trial, happened. No, not Dale Bumpers. I meanDan Quayle announcing he is running for the Republican nominationfor the Presidency. Not in the year 2000. This year. "Hey,the field's wide open." We're talking the full employmentact for comedians for another twenty months. This shifts the focusof late night talk show hosts from the groin of the Presidentand the sleeves of the Chief Justice to the mind of the formerVice President. Which is as unlike a steel trap as Fort Lauderdaleis a ski resort. The man who worried if George Bush were assassinated,the next President wouldn't keep him on as Vice President. A boywith gray hair covering a herd of deer inside his head who's learnedto look at the headlights without blinking. George Bush wanteda strong economy, Ronald Reagan wanted an impenetrable defenseand Dan Quayle wanted a pony. Somewhere in Huntington, Indiana,a Ken Doll is missing and he's running for the Presidency. I ownedKen Dolls. I played with Ken Dolls. And Mr. Quayle, you are noKen Doll.

012599:0239EST
WASHINGTON, D.C., WHERE THE REFURBISHMENT OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENTMEANS IT SOON WILL BE ENCASED IN A BLUE PLASTIC WRAP. NOT THEBEST TIME FOR BILL TO LOOK OUT HIS BACK YARD AND SEE A FIVE HUNDREDFIFTY FIVE FOOT CONDOM.

"All right gentlemen, we're here to proceed with auditionsfor House Managers to prosecute the Impeachment of the Presidentof the United States. You know the requirements. Only white malesneed apply. It helps to have a lean and hungry look and you willbe judged on the basis of how much you hate Bill Clinton. It'sa one to ten scale with Chelsea Clinton as zero and Kenneth Starra ten. No one is expected to live up to that standard. Pointsfor chicanery will be awarded at the discretion of me. Let's getit started. Mr. McCollum?"
"Thank you Mister Hyde. I hate Bill Clinton so much, I hopehis intestines get all knotted up and fecal matter comes rightout of his eyes."
"Good answer Mister McCollum. You're in. Mister Graham?"
"Reasonable people can differ in this case."
"Aah, very clever. That'll surely confuse White House Counsel.You're a go, Mister Graham. Mister Barr, the panel is aware ofyour qualifications. There's no need for you to go through thisprocess. Mr. Hutchinson?"
"He's a sick cretinous toad who drops the seeds of his satanicspawn all over fine fabrics from great American clothing manufacturers."
"The rhetoric needs work, but the attitude is perfect. Andstop quibbling. If you mean Gap, say Gap. Look at the productplacement deal Rehnquist made with Adidas. As a matter of fact,I'm going to give Nike a call. The rest of you practice your chronologies."

012699:0147PST
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE STONES OPENED THEIR NORTH AMERICAN"NO SECURITY" TOUR AND IT WAS BITCHING. GOT TO ADMIT,SOME OF THE GUYS ARE LOOKING A MITE OLD, BUT HEY, THESE GRANDPASROCK.

Through a partisan vote, the Senate voted to discuss their opinionson dismissing the Impeachment case behind closed doors. Of courseas we all know,Senate rule 29 makes it an expulsionary offenseto reveal what was said when the big boys and girls of Congresslet their hair down. After a couple of discreet cash transactions,we are proud to be able to reveal exactly what was said withoutfear of expulsion since we aren't a big time Senator.

* All those in favor of requiring the House Managers refer to us as the "Right High Overlord Masters," say aye.
* Would someone please empty Senator Thurmond's drool cup.
* Senator Wellstone is hereby refrained from calling Senator Gramm "Ole Bullethead."
* No, I'm sorry Senator, there's no chance we can bend Impeachment rules so Ms. Lewinsky can conduct re-enactments.
* Anybody know what a four letter word for accomplishing a task is? Starts with a w.
* Yes, Senator Schumer, it's always been the tradition of this august body for all new members to make the rest of us lunch.
* Who ate all the cashews out of the mixed nuts? I'm getting tired of this.
* Okay, well, that's a wrap. We agree to check with the Attorney General to see if electrocution is an option.

011399:0124EST
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, ALSO KNOWN AS MOTOWN, MOTOR CITY, THE HOMEOF THE DETROIT TIGERS, BARRY GORDY AND WHERE ALL THE 1974 CHEVYIMPALAS WENT TO DIE.

You hear it all the time. Over and over and over. To the pointno one would fault you for assuming Xeroxed copies had been handedout as a mantra by the American Curmudgeon Society- Seniors Division.I'm talking about the trendy bemoaning of the so-called mallingof America. "Everything has been so homogenized", theywhine. They snivel on, "When I'm on the road the only wayto tell what state I'm in is to keep checking the license plateon my rental car." Usually it's ultra skinny media folksin black rubber pants who consider the space between the Eastand West Coasts as nothing but fly over country, miffed they can'tfind the perfect weekend hideaway for under half a million. Droningthe same old claptrap: "All our regional flavors have beenwashed away by the pale deluge of life sucking franchises, cableTV and John Tesh recordings." Blah. Blah blah. I am hereto tell you my friends, this statement is less apt than liquidsteel eyedrops. America is still as diverse as plaid flip flopsand curried Chinese Hungarian food to- go, and it's changing fasterthan the LED digits on the right of the National Debt Clock. Everytown in this country of ours has a singular imprint. A DNA signature.An identity burned into the consciousness like a cheerleadingbrand that refuses to fade no matter how many times you've seenParee. Small towns. Big towns. Detroit. Home. The places Americanslive to work and the ones where they work to live. Where workhas died and where it has been reborn. And they're all as differentas nuclear radiated mutated snowflakes.

011499:0127EST
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, WHERE THE ROOF OF A BOWLING ALLEY CAVED INBECAUSE OF THE WEIGHT OF THE ACCUMULATED SNOW. GROWING UP IN THEMIDWEST I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW COME THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO SCHOOLS.

You want to know about our towns, I'll tell you about our towns.A strong work ethic tempered with an equally strong party ethicis still essential to fully exercise the big shoulders of Chicago.For better or worse, really pretty people tend to gravitate towardsLos Angeles. Maybe because most of the LA exams are of an oralnature rather than written. Try and find ribs as good as KansasCity's anywhere else in the country. Okay, the world. You'd havebetter odds of uncovering a fully equipped Ford Crown Victoriain your ice cube tray. In Mason City, Illinois, you are recognizedby your patented wave. Boston is not a good place to raise sheep,and if you're looking for a Type A, can- do, have- it- to- you-by- morning atmosphere, perhaps you might look for a town notnamed New Orleans. Seattle has nice weather if you're a stream,and the Four Corners area of the Southwest is as peaceful as Milwaukee'sSummerfest on a Saturday night isn't. For the most part we gravitateto towns based on what we do, or we learn to get good at whatthe town we want to live in does. Grow up on the Gulf of Mexicoand either you will learn to like the smell of dead fish or youmove. The same is true with Iowa and pork. Vegas and sin. Utahand Mormons. Admittedly, a town is only as good as the peopleyou know in it. Meet the right group, and even a Lawrence Welkloving septuagenarian could fashion a wicked hang in the lowerEast Side of Manhattan. Just as a post neo punk performance artistspecializing in cheese by products could blend in nicely in St.Petersburg, Florida, if the appropriate 99 seat equity waivertheater were found. Thornton Wilder was right: you can find Americaon every block of every one of our towns. They hold the promiseof our future and the comforting shadow of our past. And if you'vebeen lucky enough to escape the burning of your collective municipalretinas by the blinding media spotlight, be content with the thoughtit will only take that much longer for us antsy Yuppies to seekout your piece of unspoiled paradise and move there, thereby spoilingit. With a bunch of malls. I hate to admit it, but I like malls;they're convenient and a lot of times you
can get Hot Dogs On A Stick.

011599:0007EST
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, WHERE THEY HAVEN'T CLEARED ANY OF THE STREETSAND MORE SNOW IS EXPECTED. AAH, WINTER IN THE MIDWEST. THE BESTPART IS HAVING TO SCRAPE THE INSIDE OF YOUR WINDSHIELD.

You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This

* Michael Jordan retired, again. Coming right after the lockout, the NBA needs this the same way a lobster needs melted butter. Like a trapeze act needs Louis Anderson. Like Alan Greenspan needs Brazil. The bright side is in a lot of towns the attendance is going to drop so drastically, fans will have their own vendors. Fortune magazine estimated Jordan's impact on the game over his career was around $10 billion. About the same effect the Clinton administration had on the Justice Department's budget. Now that he's out of short pants and overseeing his yearly $40 million endorsement empire I imagine the next edition of Air Jordan's will prominently feature a line of wing tips. I wanna be like Mike. Of course maybe he quit because Larry Flynt had something on him too.
* They raised the price of stamps a penny, and if you're like me, it meant a wait in the line at the Post Office longer than James Sensenbrenner's speech, but nobody went postal. As a matter of fact everybody was extremely polite. Eerily polite.
* From the Oops file, the US bureau of Labor Statistics released producer price data for December a day early because the report was put on the Internet by mistake: the second time this has happened in the last couple of months. One can only hope the Defense Department's nuclear weapons monitors don't come from the same civil service pool. "Oops. There goes Finland."
* Just when you thought it was safe to go to Toys R Us, the newest threat to National Security: Furby. It seems the hot toy of the Christmas season, has the ability to repeat what it hears so the National Security Agency put out a "Furby Alert" and has banned the cuddly plaything from Fort Meade. Just what we need, an NSA toy department. "All right kid, up against the wall. Now back away from the Blue fur ball... slowly."
* And finally, the ball Mark McGwire hit for his 70th home run was sold at auction for over $3 million. The ball was caught by Philip Ozersky, a medical researcher who makes about 30 grand a year. What this means is Dads across the country are going to pay more attention to their kids bleacher skills than they will their pitching skills. Although, Kevin Brown of the Los Angeles Dodgers, who just signed a contract for $105 million, could have bought the ball 35 times.

011899:0035EST
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, WHERE PARENTS WERE TOLD IF THEY WANTED THEIRKIDS TO GO TO SCHOOL THIS WEEK, THEY SHOULD SHOW UP AT THEIR RESPECTIVEINSTITUTES OF LEARNING WITH SHOVELS. THANK GOD, THEY'RE NOT RUNNINGTHE FOOD BANK.

Well, at least we've discovered what the House Managers' strategyis. Bore the Senate to death, then sneak in and vote in abstentia.If these guys moved any slower they'd be in reverse. The presskeeps calling it a circus, but it'd be easier to find an innocentlobbyist than a circus this boring. The only one in true sideshowmode is Chief Justice Rehnquist who decided to augment his robeswith gold lame stripes. You go girl. Show your colors. Don't getcaught in that basic black trap. Spread your wings and fly. TheSenate is often referred to as the Most Deliberative Body in theWorld. I think the key word here is deliberative. Notice nothingis said about decisive. One of the arguments presented over andover was Bill Clinton diminishment of the office of the Presidency.Diminished compared to what? Compared to George Bush throwingup on the Japanese Prime Minister? Compared to Ronald Reagan forgettingthe name of his Secretary of Agriculture? Compared to Jimmy Carterbeing terrorized by a killer rabbit? Compared to Gerald Ford'sresponisiblity for making Chevy Chase popular? Compared to Nixonjust in general?

011999:0909EST
WASHINGTON, D.C., THE ONLY TOWN IN THE WORLD WHERE THE GOOD GUYSAND THE BAD GUYS LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE AND SWITCH ROLES WITHOUT ANYADVANCE NOTICE IN THE PROGRAMS.

What They Say And What They Mean: White Guy Senator Sunday TalkShow Impeachment Edition.
Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) "Face the Nation":

* WHS: "63% of the American people think the President ought to testify. Now he can't have it both ways. If the people want the President to testify, maybe the President should testify."
* WHM: "Although, if 63% of the American people think he shouldn't be impeached, well, then they're just stupid." Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) "This Week Without David Brinkley"
* WHS: "We're more than just jurors."
* WHM: "We should have robes with stripes on them too." Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) "This Week With Cokie And That Annoying Guy With The Bad Rug"
* WHS: "This is not 'Perry Mason.'"
* WHM: "Of course not. 'Perry Mason' had a plot. This is more like 'Seinfeld', a really big show about nothing." Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Ut) "Meet the Press"
* WHS: "It was right on this program, when I told the President,
don't lie before the grand jury, because you'll be impeached."
* WHM: "Nyah- nyah, nyah- nyah- nyah."
Sen. Asa Hutchinson (R- Ar) "This Week With Archer Daniels Midland"
* WHS: "This was the first time we've been able to sit down and listen to how comprehensive the case is, free of interruptions and partisan sniping."
* WHM: "So we get a 55- 45 vote on the witnesses. We'll take it." Sen. Christopher J. Dodd (D- Conn) "Meet the Press"
* WHS: "If you get into the witness issue... we could be talking May or June before you finish this trial."
* WHM: "We can run this thing as long as long as Strom Thurmond can stay awake."

010799:0346PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE HEROIN HAS BEEN RESPONSIBLE FORTAKING TWO OF THE CITY'S YOUNG SCIONS RECENTLY. AAH, REMEMBERTHE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN THEY USED TO GET DRUNK AND DRIVE HEAD ONINTO BRIDGE STANCHIONS? MY, HOW THE TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

Yeah, yeah, I know. People are getting inaugurated all over theplace and we got ourselves what you would call a brand new lineupof lying cheating reprobates runnings things. It's a brand newyear, the President is being impeached, our jets are getting firedon in the Middle East but the number one news story today? Thecold snap in the Midwest. Imagine that. Cold in Minneapolis inJanuary. Well, well, well. What are the odds? This was news? Thelead story? What next? Summer Heat? The Pacific Ocean Moist? Antsat Picnics? Dirt in Wyoming? Potatoes Au Gratin in French Restaurantson the East Coast of Ireland? John Tesh on PBS? Hair Spray inNew Jersey? Blue Haired Ladies Hogging the Nickel Slots in Vegas?White Starchy Thighed Tourists in Orlando? Jimmy Buffet in KeyWest? Airline Main Cabin Food Lacking Seasoning? Inferior Plumbingin Bosnian Crack Houses? Eric Roberts as a Bad Guy? Low PrimarySchool Test Scores in Mississippi? Inflated Cost Estimates onBaggage Door Repairs by Defense Contractors? Strom Thurmond MakingUnintelligible Remarks? Beer Stains On Basement Couch Cushionsin Milwaukee? Crimes Against Rayon by Silicon Implants in Hollywood?Undercover Espionage Agents Posing as UN Weapons Inspectors? OverpricedHula Dolls With Yellow Crepe Hair Made in Taiwan Available atany Hawaiian ABC Store? Robert Vaughn with a Bad Rug? El GrandeHalf De-Caf Non-Fat Milk Lattes in the Shuttle Teminal of Sea-TacAirport? More Partisan Crap Disguised as Party Leadership PressReleases in DC? Hopelessly Nihilistic Black and White Stab YourselfIn The Head Films from Sweden?

010899:0432PDT
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE YOU LIVE AND YOU LOVE AND YOUMOVE AND YOU GROOVE AND YOU END UP IN THE SAME PLACE YOU BEGAN.THEN YOU START OUT AGAIN ALL HOPEFUL.

Gentlemen; start your engines, because the partisan flag is downand here it comes swerving towards the fast track... the Trialof the Century! Totally different than that last Trial Of TheCentury a couple of years ago which involved some silliness witha football player and had rather mixed results. And the eightor nine other Trials of the Century before that which usuallyhad at least something tangentially to due with criminal activity.But not this one. No, this TOTC will definitely earn its monumentalmoniker unless of course... it doesn't or something extraordinarilyunseemly happens in the next 328 days. We can only hope. ThisTOTC began with Strom Thurmond remaining upright only with theGrace of God and a really strong stool stiffener as he administeredthe oath to Chief Justice Rehnquist, who then turned to the Senateand flapped his robes like a raven overdosing on steroids screeching:"Let's Get Ready To Rumble!" All right, he didn't buthe should have. I wonder if Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase hadto worry about the Senate Pro Tem slobbering all over him at theTrial of the 19th Century, 130 years ago. And how did Thurmondvote in that one? But now the entire country is in for an E ticketpolitical ride. Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpyTOTC. Thank God all this isn't going on next year. Be awfullyhard to convince the press you were just plain lucky having aTOTC in the Century's first year.

011299:0321PST
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE IT'S HASN'T RAINED FOR A MONTHAND ALREADY THERE'S TALK ABOUT A DROUGHT. I JUST THINK WEATHERMENHAVE TO FILL FIVE MINUTES EVEN WHEN NOTHING'S HAPPENING. FIVEMINUTES OF NOTHING. THAT'S NOT WEATHER. THAT'S NEWS.

However low your opinion of the United States Senate: you gotto admit, it does seem obsessed with taking whatever measuresit deems suitable in order to do the right thing for the Americanpeople. Which apparently consists of protecting its own reputation.Just a little DC game we like to call: "Cover Your Ass."God forbid it appears on televisions across the country behavinglike the bunch of screaming crybabies we all have come to knowas the House. To prove they are up to their dignified dour duty,the American House of Lords is solemnly working on two separateschemes to try the President. On the one hand, you got the Republicanplan which admittedly, sounds a bit complicated. According toa highly placed source, (not really, I just made that up, butit sounds really official, hunh?), it reportedly entails tyingBill naked to a cactus with Monica Lewinsky's pantyhose and beatinghis backside with laminated strips of Hillary Clinton's missingfiles while on an overhead projector, Henry Hyde shows transparenciesof Linda Tripp naked. On the other hand, the Democratic plan isa mite simpler. It involves a strongly worded memo and prohibitshim from eating French Fries for a week.

010499:0234PDT
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA, WHERE MAYOR JERRY BROWN IS BEING INAUGURATEDTODAY WITH A CITY WIDE FESTIVAL FEATURING FREE CONCERTS AND ARTDISPLAYS. PERSONALLY, I THINK A PARKING METER MORATORIUM WOULDBE MORE APPRECIATED.

For a while there, it didn't seem likeit was ever going to happen but 1998 has finally come to a merciful end. Yeeha! 1998 was to years what Alexander Haig is to pantyhose. What Truman Capote was to mule skinning. But the American financial world didn't really care both Thomas Jefferson and BillClinton had DNA tests come back positive and stock markets recordednew highs. Imagine what could have happened if Washington had been calm. This started me thinking of the multitudes of people who hopefully have plans to change their nefarious ways in the coming annum. And in case they don't, here's a list of what Resolutions should be made for the 9th year of the last decade of the 20th century. In 1999:

* Al "Chainsaw" Dunlap will attempt to rehabilitate his image by changing his nickname to Al "Cuddlelips" Dunlap.

* Alan Greenspan assures Business Week the only time he will use the words "irrational exuberance" is when he's at a Metallica concert.

* Mayor Jerry Brown promises to focus less on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the run down long term parking shuttle that is Oakland.

* Amazon.com vows to get out of the book business altogether and concentrate on getting it's stock up to Berkshire Hathaway levels.

* Bill Gates resolves to have an airtight alibi when Janet Reno's personal computer crashes.

* The Asian Financial crisis promises to fade into the wings.

* The South American Financial crisis promises to take center stage.

* The Airline Industry will make every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man: the second carry on bag.

010599:0023PDT
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE GREY "AND THAT'S A GROSS EXAGGERATION"DAVIS WAS INAUGURATED YESTERDAY AS CALIFORNIA'S FIRST DEMOCRATICGOVERNOR IN 16 YEARS. 1983 WAS ALSO WHEN PRINCE RECORDED "1999."COINCIDENCE? PROBABLY.

1998 was to years what Henry VIII was to marriage counseling. What Kate Moss is to $3.99 all-you-can-eat buffets. It was the year Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr treated the entire country as innocent victims in a vicious custody battle, and a lot of us felt like taking steel wool to our television screens. And now that we're in a new year, and people are goingto act differently, right? Right, and you can teach a dog to type.Here are the resolutions people should but probably won't make for the new year. In 1999:

* Boris Yeltsin makes an internal covenant to do everything in his power to get out of rehab in time to accept our bailouts.

* California's Governor Grey Davis will not rest until he gets a colorful nickname like "Slappy."

* Congress resolves to do absolutely nothing. A lot like last year.

* Janet Reno takes an oath to open every Congressional hearing with "Who wants a piece of me?"

* Phizer, the maker of Viagra, reluctantly swears it will not use the terms; "rising", "solid" or "rigid", in any more of its quarterly reports.

* President Clinton pledges to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all. Unfortunately, it involves raising the retirement age to 90.

* Stung by the NBA strike, Nike vows never again to tie its star to overpaid athletes and starts featuring politicians in its ads. Its reasoning: nobody will ever get these guys to stop talking.

010699:0235PDT
SAN RAMON, CALIFORNIA, A SUBURB IN THE EAST BAY OF SAN FRANCISCO,JUST A LITTLE WHITER THAN MASHED POTATOES ON A PAPER PLATE, ACCOMPANIED BY A SIDE OF STEAMED CAULIFLOWER AND WASHED DOWN WITH A VANILLAMILK SHAKE. NOT MUCH. JUST A LITTLE.

All right. Let's whip through this.1998. Was to years what stainless steel was to Sans-A-Belt pants. What Pamela Anderson is to advanced trigonometry. So here's some resolutions people should make for this year but probably won't. In 1999:

* Dick Gephardt resolves to try stray pieces of yarn, belly button lint, a no. 4 pencil, anything, to give the illusion of eyebrows.

* Latrell Sprewell promises to drop his lawsuits in exchange for a 3 month scholarship to the Albert Belle Anger Counseling Clinic.

* The Nobel Peace Prize Committee devotes its spare time to reward Hillary Clinton for the restraint she's shown by not belting Bill with a lamp everytime they're seen in public.

* The Long Distance Giants affirm their committment to continue merging and merging and merging until they evolve into a single entity which will be renamed: Ma Bell.

* Saddam Hussein steels himself to fabricate human shields made up of various sons-in-law.

* Bill Clinton professes his desire to build for the initial part of his Presidential Library: a stone wall.

* Al Gore vows to use strobe lights during Press Conferences to give the appearance of movement.

* Newt Gingrich commits himself, sometime during the year, against his better wishes; to stumble onto a clue.