2.28.2018
THE CAFETERIA LADY IS PACKING HEAT

President Donald Trump tossed out some wacky nonsense about arming teachers which encouraged the press and public to go nuts debating this ludicrous suggestion, totally ignoring commonsense remedies like banning civilians from purchasing weapons whose sole function is to kill the most people in the shortest time. The man is not as dumb as he looks, which at last count was considerable.

That was just one of the president’s multiple responses to the latest in a distressing series of school shootings. He was all over the map like a class of apprentice cartographers in the belly of a garbage scow during a category 4 typhoon.

First he said we should arm teachers, then yelled at the mainstream media for saying he said we should arm teachers, then he said we shouldn’t just give teachers guns, but bonuses. And snacks. Not rulers. Or pencils. Stationary targets, yes. Stationery, no.

During a listening session with relatives and survivors of various school massacres he was photographed carrying a cheat sheet reminding him to say “I hear you.” His staff is apparently aware that hearing people in a listening session is not his first instinct. Listen, is what people do to him, not he to them.

Trump also promised to focus on mental health issues, forgetting that one of his first moves as POTUS was erasing rules that restricted some mentally ill from purchasing firearms. Like Germany complaining they don’t have any decent Jewish delis anymore.

“Now is not the time to politicize the gun issue.” Why is the time to talk about guns always later? “Now?” “No, later.” “Now?” “No, later.” And repeat. Now is the time to talk about mental health issues. Voting to fund programs to deal with those issues is a different story.

The NRA says the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. The problem with good guys with guns is a lot of them believe in that whole “kill ‘em all and let god sort ‘em out” school of thought. Except that security guard outside the Parkland, Florida high school.

Giving guns to teachers, what a great idea. Probably cut down on tardiness, note passing and backtalk as well, not to mention making faculty meetings and parent teacher conferences a lot more interesting. The penalty for truancy is a flesh wound.

As with most of 45’s ideas, details were murky, but this plan could easily lead to arming janitors, crossing guards and cafeteria ladies. Although many would argue that school lunches were already weaponized during the Reagan Administration.

Besides, 20% of American teachers equals 700,000 people. Do they all get the same gun? Would these teachers going heavy be appointed or volunteers? Or would most folks offered guns spontaneously develop bone spurs like somebody else we know? 

Think back: how many of your high school teachers would you have confidently armed? The ex-Marine wrestling coach? The English teacher who spaced out during John Keats’ “Ode on a Grecian Urn?” The librarian regularly hitting her flask behind the stacks? Sister Mary Uzi?

And you do realize that once teachers start carrying Roscoes, it’s only a matter of time before kids themselves feel the need to start packing. “I’m going to study hall. Cover me.”

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.19.2018
THE CHERRY PICKERS

We all know what “cherry picking” is. Sifting through available evidence to pluck out the bits and pieces that support one particular narrative while ignoring everything that reinforces the contrary. Also known as selective amnesia. Or advertising.

It is used in movie reviews all the time. “An execrable breakthrough in atrocious direction and a new cinematic low in non-achievement,” becomes “A Breakthrough Cinematic Achievement!” 

It happens in real life as well. Like when dad keeps talking about how he was first to change the baby’s diapers. Even though mom was hospitalized at the time and he didn’t touch another in the 2 years since. The letter, but not the spirit.

You can claim pretty much anything, because chances are, nobody’s going to look up the original and that holds especially true when the original is classified. “Look what I got right here. No, you can’t see it. But trust me, it’s as awful as skunk-flavored popsicles.”

And that is exactly what the White House has done by releasing the controversial Republican Intelligence Committee Nunes Memo but withholding the Democratic response, which fills in some of the controversial gaps. This sneaky behavior has become so prevalent amongst our major political parties that it’s acquired a special name: practitioners call it… politics.

To prove that two can play that game, let’s counter with some opposition cherry-picking. Here’s what happens when the words from Donald Trump’s highly regarded State of the Union Address are isolated and rearranged:

“Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, the First Lady of the United States, my fellow North Koreans, criminals and terrorists and pregnant homeless women: Less than one year has passed since I first stood at this podium, in this evil chamber of pain and sorrow, and since then our nation has been witness to the most dangerous menace that threatens our world: my administration.  

I will be asking Congress to assist American car companies to continue building and expanding plants in Cuba and Venezuela and also to increase the height of my package. Only in times of tragedy will this nation turn to rogue regimes like the United States Senate. I will not repeat the mistakes of past administrations that got us into this dangerous position. I will make other shameful and depraved mistakes.

No regime has oppressed its own citizens more totally or brutally than the cruel dictatorship that is Texas. One of my greatest priorities is to ensure floods and fires and storms, devastating hurricanes and a hail of gunfire. And wage stagnation until they experience the pains and scourge of hardship.

So tonight I extend an open hand to work with members of especially cruel gangs of illegal immigrants so that America’s forgotten middle class can be eliminated through opioid and drug addiction.

The final pillar is that our wonderful families will be sentenced to years of hard labor by the savage gangs of our Afghan partners along with China, Mexico and New Mexico. I have foolishly caused the loss of many innocent lives, am a reckless disgrace and must get treatment. Complacency is the surest path to evil. Thank you, and God bless Russia.”

Hey, those are his words. Sure, some stuff got left out and the order was changed around a bit. Just like the Republican memo.  

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
2.9.2018
WOULD RATHER LIE THAN EAT ICE CREAM

During the State of the Union Address, President Donald J Trump said many hopeful things including that he wants to work with Democrats. Yeah, right. He wants to work with Democrats the same way a five year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants. The way a coyote wants to negotiate with a nest of baby ducks. Think incoming ballistic missile and South Pacific atolls.

A week later he called this very same group treasonous. And what heinous crime against the state did they commit: they neglected to stand and applaud during the boasts and exaggerations of his amazing, tremendous, fabulous speech. But nobody took the charge seriously. Why? Because his words mean nothing.

It continues to amaze how people pore over his statements, looking for clues to future behavior based on what’s been previously said. It doesn’t matter. The man never tells the truth. Only what’s expedient. Pundits point out, “previously he said this,” And “let’s not forget he said that.” Go ahead- forget that. He has. Or will.

After a year in office and a lifetime of his self-satisfied, publicity-seeking mug thrust in our faces, people remain oblivious that if the muse moves him, he will reverse course and adopt a totally different position. 180 degrees. In a New York minute. Often during the same interview.

You can’t make a plan based on what comes out of his mouth because words don’t matter to him. He has no respect for them. They’re all made up of the same 26 letters. Letters that can be used to write other words. Words that don’t assist the cause. Hence, he will say anything. To anyone. Any time. Anywhere. Anywhy. Anywho.

He’ll do it for various reasons. Whatever helps at the moment. To carve an advantage. To distract. To buy time. Energize the base. Protect a deal. Create confusion. Stay in practice. Make himself look good. Even if he said he was lying, he’d be lying.

Pity the poor people who work for him, trying to say positive things, handicapped in supporting his goals and beliefs, because they have absolutely no idea what those could be. Except that he’s pro-Donald.

He was against the war in Iraq. That wasn’t him on the Access Hollywood tape. The President of the Boy Scouts called him. Remember how he was going to release his tax returns? He never planned to release his tax returns. Saying he would, was simply a stall. Soon other scandals erupted and the press began asking other questions and tax returns fell by the wayside. And so on and so on.

So when the President says he not only plans to testify under oath in the Robert Mueller investigation but that he’s looking forward to it, don’t believe him. That’s what he thinks people want him to say. Now. It is neither a confirmation that he will testify or a warning he’ll do everything in his power to keep from doing testifying. Could be either/ or. It could mean nothing. Probably the latter.

Maybe he’ll change his mind. Maybe he won’t. There is no way to tell. The man has the integrity of a drunken weasel in a chicken coop. He would rather lie than eat ice cream. And he likes ice cream.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.29.2018
THE 2018 DONALD J. TRUMP STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS DRINKING GAME

Any grouping of American taxpayers: including at least one white guy wearing a suit, somebody in a blue work shirt, and one senior citizen.

One shot glass per person. Everybody brings their own, grouped on a table in front of TV. No matter who brings what, white guy in suit chooses first, work shirts pick next, then everybody else except senior citizen who goes last.

Much beer.

Bowl of guacamole and chips. If women are playing, they should make the guacamole and take care of the beer.

Everybody antes 5 bucks.

RULES OF GAME:

  • Every time Donald Trump says the words “collusion,” or “fake news” drink a shot of beer.
  • Whenever the president sniffs, slurs or mispronounces a word, drink a shot of beer. If he gets name of a world leader wrong, drink two shots of beer. If he blows name of a cabinet or family member, chug an entire beer.
  • Whenever DT mentions the brave members of our armed forces, stand up, salute with your right hand and drink a shot of beer with your left.
  • For every reference to golf or one of his golf resorts, drink a shot of beer. Two shots if the resort is mentioned by name.
  • If Speaker Paul Ryan or First Lady Melania is caught napping on camera, the last person to stand up and sing “Wake Up, Little Susie, Wake Up” drinks two shots of beer.
  • Every time the president mentions Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama the last person to grab his throat in a choking motion drinks two shots of beer.
  • When the camera finds Kellyanne Conway, everybody throw chips dipped in guacamole at TV. Anybody who gets a chip to stick on her face is exempt from drinking 2 shots of beer. 3 shots if it looks like a little beard.
  • If, during a standing ovation, the president claps for himself, take turns drinking shots of beer until the audience sits. If he winks or points to the camera make it double shots.
  • For every actual emotion Mike Pence displays besides smug satisfaction drink a shot of beer.
  • Whenever the president mentions “building the wall” drink a shot of beer. Multiply the shots by the number of syllables in the adjectives used. “Big wall” means one extra shot. “Beautiful wall,” three more shots. “Tremendous, fantastic, amazing wall”- you figure it out.
  • Predict the number of applause breaks. After the speech, drink number of shots of beer equal to difference between your estimate and actual number. The average is 80.

EXTRAS

  1. If Chief of Staff John Kelly’s transmission link breaks and Trump begins to mumble excerpts from Hugo Weaving’s soliloquy in the first “Matrix” on how humans stink, everybody gets to kick white guy in suit once.
  2. White guy in suit gets to kick old person twice just on general principles.
  3. If the president uses a heartfelt story of a senior citizen’s grace under pressure to illustrate a point, the elder gets 15 seconds to kick white guy in suit. 30 seconds if Trump reveals the anecdotal senior is in the audience AND sitting next to an astronaut or member of the Trump family. 45 seconds if it’s Tiffany or Barron.
  4. During the Democratic response, woman players should clean up.
  5. Remaining guacamole and chips go home with senior citizen who also gets to keep the Tupperware container.
  6. White guy in suit takes pot.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.24.2018
REIGN OF ERROR

It’s been quite a year. The exact reverse of that whole “time flies when you’re having fun” thing. These last twelve months have slogged by like cold molasses riddled with bat guano dripping through a tightly woven bamboo sieve. Seems like decades since Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States. Shouldn’t he be termed out by now? 

After a mere 12 months, his problems have stacked up like a bouquet of bombs from the Acme Co. being wafted aloft by helium balloons approaching an archery range for easily distracted pre-teens. Anybody who watched the televised White House bipartisan meeting can tell you the former reality TV star exhibits a mastery of his office on the level of a duck-billed platypus playing a harpsichord.

His administration has been marked by division, derision, indecision and a distinct lack of supervision. Confusion, seclusion, delusion & collusion. Lazy, hazy, crazy: cheesy, sleazy, wheezy, breezy and enough turmoil to make the entire world both uneasy and/ or a little queasy.

During the first 365 days of Dopey Donald’s Reign of Error, we have survived an unending stream of blatant lies, graphic insults, myopic intransigence, illiterate cluelessness, overt racism, monumental chaos, nuclear intimidation and a general coarsening of the culture to where the evangelical community is forced to reconcile a porn star payoff with its own staggering sense of self righteousness. Futilely.

In the recent book, “Fire and Fury,” author Michael Wolff intimated that 100% of White House insiders believe their boss is a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic if you catch his drift. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. Snuck into the gene pool while the lifeguard was chatting up the girl who runs the hot dog stand. Has the same mental capacity that God gave a bucket of hair.

Then, as if to stamp the book with his own fuzzy seal of approval, the former New York City real estate developer demonstrated that no matter how many allies he antagonizes, family members he insults, staffers he impugns, fellow Republicans he alienates, or conventions he flaunts, his own worst enemy remains… himself.

Attempting to stem backlash from Wolff’s book, the president tweeted, (and these are quotes) that he is “like, really smart.” And a “stable genius.” A statement that most experts interpret as meaning he’s really good with horse manure. Which probably comes in handy when interacting with Sloppy Steve Bannon.

Trump also twisted himself into a rhetorical battle with Kim Jong Un over whose nuclear button is bigger. When we all know it has to be Ivanka’s dad, who needs the larger expanse to accommodate his diminutive hands. These two should be locked into a cell on an abandoned freighter in the South Pacific so that they can measure and get it over with.

Then the brief government shut down precipitated an eruption of the Blame Game that witnessed both Republicans and Democrats flinging mud at each other with so much excess hitting the president, many referees questioned the actual target.

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said “I’m looking for something the president supports” making it sound like a mythical beast. Less unicorn– more dodo bird. And all this has gone down in the first three weeks of 2018. Fasten your seat belts folks, it’s going to be a bumpy year.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.14.2018
2018 Predictions

Time for a few choice words for the not-so-dearly departed year of 2017. And those words are… “You sucked. Go away. Stay there. Keep it moving odd numbered year. Don’t linger. No dawdling. Forget about sticking around to watch us shudder whenever the sight of something orange triggers a flashback. Bury your shadow in a deep dark cave. Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”  

The beginning of January is when America dons its rose-colored glasses and anticipates wondrous possibilities in the future pages of our new calendar. So now let us forecast a few of the fabulous events in store for the next twelve months. You can call them predictions, prognostications or prophecies but here at Durstco we prefer to think of them as dead solid certain sure things.

In the year 2018:

Kellyanne Conway will top the bestseller lists with a book entitled, “How to Lie Out of Both Sides of Your Two Faces Even When People are Watching.”
In response to another school shooting the NRA calls for the closing of all schools.
Robert Mueller announces that he has discovered a secret panel in Vice President Mike Pence’s head that is directly controlled by a Siberian bear trainer. 
Hillary Clinton, after 18 months of twice-daily therapy sessions, finally allows herself to let it go.
Donald John Trump continues cutting programs for the poor so rich people can have more money. Through a series of tragic financial reversals, the 45th President dies destitute.
Mitch McConnell’s face actually does freeze like that.
The Internet becomes so user-friendly, trend-setting techies find themselves superfluous and go back to being annoying nerds living in their parents’ basements.
The airline industry is revolutionized by the introduction of discount tickets that require passengers to pedal.
Disney purchases Fox News and children in Disneyland are treated to character breakfasts with their favorite right wing talk show hosts. Sean Hannity is especially popular as Goofy.
LeBron James is voted the best middle linebacker in the NBA.
A 400-pound fat guy on a couch goes on The View to apologize for hacking the 2016 election. Although expressing sincere regret, Joy Behar still beats him senseless with a chair leg.
The stock price of Purdue Pharma crashes, after it is revealed their new drug to combat PTSD (President Trump Stress Disorder) is simply double strength OxyContin.
After heading in multiple directions, the Democratic Party finally buys a compass and sets it to the polar opposite of Donald Trump, helplessly collapsing in a heap after taking six steps.
After Steve Bannon is dismissed then rehabilitated in the eyes of Donald Trump 14 separate times he secures a lucrative sponsorship deal with Duncan Yoyos.
Michael Wolff writes a best selling sequel to “Fire and Fury” called “No, Really, I’m Telling You, He’s Bat Guano Crazy.”
Every single athlete at the Winter Olympics is disqualified when tests reveal the South Korean snow is laced with sake.
Ivanka Trump polishes her Oval Office bonafides by loop watching Gary Oldman in The Darkest Hour in order to imitate his growl. Jared finds it sexy.
Oprah loses thirty pounds.
In the wake of a DC blizzard, all non-essential federal workers are encouraged to stay home and nobody in the White House reports to work. Including The Donald. No one notices.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."
 
1.7.2018
WILL DUR$T’$ XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T

Hey!!! Sorry. Just trying to rouse everyone from their tranquil basking in the afterglow of the most wonderful time of the year. You know, the one where the retail industry celebrates swimming in black ink while the rest of us pray the frigid temps delay the bills a mite longer.

During this postsacred season of super sell-a-thons, many remember sharing our blessings with the less fortunate. But what about the more fortunate? For they truly are the forgotten men and women of the holidays. Fortunately the Republican Congress took care of them with a huge Christmas gift tax reform.

So, to continue our representatives’ thoughtful good works, let us take a few brief belated moments to offer up our much anticipated wish list that endeavors to fill the gaps left by Santa’s sack and detail what folks should have found under their tree in a very special episode of Will Durst’s Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. With many items conveniently now on sale.

For Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. A research sabbatical to Vostok Station in Antarctica.
For Melania Trump: A Nobel Peace Prize for not slapping her husband’s hand away every time they’re in public.
For Roy Moore: A return to the bench adjudicating the daily shenanigans at the Gadsden Mall Food Court.  
For Speaker of the House Paul Ryan: One gift certificate for a surgical procedure to remove that unsightly lump of Freedom Caucus hampering his stride.
For Kim Jong Un: If Trump’s approval rating falls any further, a bunker near hell.
For Donald Trump: Noise canceling headphones so he can drown out the cacophony of negativity surrounding him.
For Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Louis CK, Charley Rose, Matt Lauer, Dustin Hoffman, Brett Ratner & Jeremy Piven: Lunch with Roman Polanski in Paris but no return ticket.
For CNN: More Russian investigation revelations. Either that or another summer of shark attacks. Or best of all… Russian sharks.
For Sarah Huckabee Sanders: A stainless steel muzzle along with detailed instructions on how to self-install.
For Fox News: More Benghazi investigation revelations. Either that or another winter of the War on Christmas. Or best of all… Happy Holidays from Benghazi.
For Dennis Rodman: An all expenses paid trip to the Winter Olympics so he can take a side trip to North Korea to save the world.
For former Minnesota Senator Al Franken: A job opening at Saturday Night Live.
For Vladimir Putin: A year’s supply of treats for his lapdog.
For Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto: A tremendous wall to keep United States citizens from overrunning his country.
For Republican Congresspersons facing midterm elections: Retroactive Snapchat technology that allows any photo of them with President Donald Trump to instantly disappear.
For VP Mike Pence: A strobe light to use at press conferences to give the appearance of movement.
For the CEO of Equifax: A new password that is not his wife’s birthday.
For Medical Science to study: Donald Trump’s brain. Sean Spicer’s mouth. Steve Bannon’s heart. And Chuck Schumer’s spine.
For Anthony Scaramucci: A big bag of coal.
For Colin Kaepernick: A job in the Canadian Football League.
For California Senator Dianne Feinstein: At least two more terms. Because you can’t have an effective government without one nonagenarian to remind us when history starts repeating itself.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website: willdurst.com, to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."


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